Anyone who lived through the sixties, any past or present primal-heavy-rock-loving person from back in my day, can identify a classic piece from that era within the first two bars of the introduction. Such is the case with 'House of the Rising Sun'. So on Sunday when the choir got up to sing the 'anthem', I knew within two notes that it was 'House of the Rising Sun'. Hold on, I thought! Did that song have a huge underlying religious message I never recognized? I couldn't WAIT until they started the actual singing. Hmmmm....there is a house in New Orleans..... Finally, when the choir came in, the words were 'Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!'
REALLY? The words all seemed to fit; I just couldn't help thinking that the next words would possibly be 'and it's been the ruin of many a poor boy, and God I know I'm one', which would definitely fly in the face of any Christian message they would be trying to deliver. Fortunately, they weren't, and the choir continued on with the lyrics to Amazing Grace. But I still wondered, "Were those of us who had 'experienced' the sixties supposed to overlay the lyrics of House of the Rising Sun with those of Amazing Grace?"
After church I saw the choir director, a sweet and generous twentysomething. I asked him how the words to Amazing Grace were meshed with House. Was that a brainstorm on his part? Oh, no, they weren't. He'd never heard of House of the Rising Sun and had chosen the anthem after he heard the Blind Boys of Alabama sing it on one of their albums.
How disgustingly old I felt.
But our conversation went on. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do for me. Is there something he could do at the house? He's in this part of town a lot and would love to help out in anyway he could. Did I have his number? Did I need anything?
Then he told me about his mother. I knew his stepfather had been diagnosed with some form of cancer. I remember when he went to wherever they live for his stepfather's surgery. But what he told me next both surprised and didn't surprise me. He said that shortly after his stepfather was diagnosed with cancer, his mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. At that point his stepfather emptied all of their savings and bank accounts and took off. His mother is now virtually penniless. How long had they been married? I asked. Since he was a little boy he said. About as long as Bill and I were married. But as awful as that sounds, I somehow 'get it'. Sometimes when you know your life is ending, you don't want to have to deal with anyone else's "stuff". You don't want to make any compromises, any concessions. You want to spend your remaining days doing what you want to do and that's it.
I think that's a big part of what happened with Bill. He had been told his life was ending. He didn't like my dad. He wanted to play poker whenever and wherever he wanted, and he wanted to have the money to do it without having to work. Looked perfect. Could happen. It was a slight gamble but then, hey, that's his game. Take what you can get your hands on and get out. Go live your life the way you want to. No critical father-in-law, no disapproving wife. No responsibilities. The rest is collateral damage and that isn't important. Probably sounded good, especially considering the mental state of mind he was in at the time.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Internet Wisdom
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about marriage and the long-term effects two of them have had on me. And I have had some big 'aha's'.
As I have said before, my mother and the other females in my family sent very strong messages about the necessity of marriage. In their minds marriage completed a woman. There was no place in this world for an unmarried woman. Her life was beyond tragic; it was pointless. In their minds all I needed was to be loved. Everything else would fall into place. I just needed to find a man who would love me. Then he would take care of me. I had no other purpose in life. First, however, I had to finish my education. That was the only caveat: get the college degree. But it was a little tricky because I was also supposed to meet my husband in college. Leaving college without being engaged was tantamount to being a sailor in the 15th century and sailing straight west. If I left college without having found 'the one', I would fall off the edge of the earth. The timing had to be just right. I had to find someone, get engaged, graduate, and then get married. There was an unbreakable sequence. I have spent much of the past several months combating those messages.
A friend of mine suggested marriage is a necessity for two purposes only: home ownership and children. The other stuff doesn't make marriage a necessity. I agree but with one additional purpose: end-of-life affairs. If you aren't married and your significant other dies, then their family members make all 'arrangements'; you have no say. That would be a reason supporting late-in-life marriages. The down side, in case no one has thought of that, would be your new spouse's children feeling you were going to steal their inheritance. I think if I ever married again (and for the past year I have been pretty sure there's not much of a chance of that), I would have to work hard to assure my new stepchildren and step-grandchildren I wasn't going to take all the money and goods they were expecting upon my spouse's death.
But that is by no means my big 'aha'. Nope. My big 'aha' was much bigger than that. In fact, it led me to my revelation. And this is it: I have discovered, to my amazement, that in both my marriages, I ended up feeling both trapped and taken advantage of. In fact, although both instances were vastly different unions, these were their end-products and they were remarkably similar. What was the common denominator? ME. Geeez, back to me. Again.
On the heels of this work came a little article on the internet this morning. It was about marriage. I liked much of what it said. It wasn't full of the commonplace jargon about how to make marriage work. It had a pragmatic style that captured my attention so I copied some of it here. But one thing jumped out at me, one thing that had been a huge realization for me. Can you find it? Here are the 'facts' according to this article:
Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
There are marital breaches worse than an affair.
A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.
Did you think it was the one about having a 'good enough' marriage? It wasn't. Although that was eye-opening. Or that there are marital breaches worse than an affair? That was a surprise, too, but I have had other betrayals, so that wasn't such a surprise. In some conversations and thoughts I've had over the past year or so, it has become increasing obvious that the one thing that doomed both of my marriages was when I lost respect for my husbands. That is irreparable. I stayed both times in hopes that each would do something to redeem himself in my eyes. I waited for some new avenue to pop up where they could each show me how they could do the right thing, or succeed, or get their lives on a great track, but it never happened. Respect. You've got to respect your spouse. Or at least, I've got to respect my spouse. Lose respect and eventually the marriage will die. And in my case, lose respect and if you don't regain it, you will feel trapped and taken advantage of.
As I have said before, my mother and the other females in my family sent very strong messages about the necessity of marriage. In their minds marriage completed a woman. There was no place in this world for an unmarried woman. Her life was beyond tragic; it was pointless. In their minds all I needed was to be loved. Everything else would fall into place. I just needed to find a man who would love me. Then he would take care of me. I had no other purpose in life. First, however, I had to finish my education. That was the only caveat: get the college degree. But it was a little tricky because I was also supposed to meet my husband in college. Leaving college without being engaged was tantamount to being a sailor in the 15th century and sailing straight west. If I left college without having found 'the one', I would fall off the edge of the earth. The timing had to be just right. I had to find someone, get engaged, graduate, and then get married. There was an unbreakable sequence. I have spent much of the past several months combating those messages.
A friend of mine suggested marriage is a necessity for two purposes only: home ownership and children. The other stuff doesn't make marriage a necessity. I agree but with one additional purpose: end-of-life affairs. If you aren't married and your significant other dies, then their family members make all 'arrangements'; you have no say. That would be a reason supporting late-in-life marriages. The down side, in case no one has thought of that, would be your new spouse's children feeling you were going to steal their inheritance. I think if I ever married again (and for the past year I have been pretty sure there's not much of a chance of that), I would have to work hard to assure my new stepchildren and step-grandchildren I wasn't going to take all the money and goods they were expecting upon my spouse's death.
But that is by no means my big 'aha'. Nope. My big 'aha' was much bigger than that. In fact, it led me to my revelation. And this is it: I have discovered, to my amazement, that in both my marriages, I ended up feeling both trapped and taken advantage of. In fact, although both instances were vastly different unions, these were their end-products and they were remarkably similar. What was the common denominator? ME. Geeez, back to me. Again.
On the heels of this work came a little article on the internet this morning. It was about marriage. I liked much of what it said. It wasn't full of the commonplace jargon about how to make marriage work. It had a pragmatic style that captured my attention so I copied some of it here. But one thing jumped out at me, one thing that had been a huge realization for me. Can you find it? Here are the 'facts' according to this article:
Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
There are marital breaches worse than an affair.
A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.
Did you think it was the one about having a 'good enough' marriage? It wasn't. Although that was eye-opening. Or that there are marital breaches worse than an affair? That was a surprise, too, but I have had other betrayals, so that wasn't such a surprise. In some conversations and thoughts I've had over the past year or so, it has become increasing obvious that the one thing that doomed both of my marriages was when I lost respect for my husbands. That is irreparable. I stayed both times in hopes that each would do something to redeem himself in my eyes. I waited for some new avenue to pop up where they could each show me how they could do the right thing, or succeed, or get their lives on a great track, but it never happened. Respect. You've got to respect your spouse. Or at least, I've got to respect my spouse. Lose respect and eventually the marriage will die. And in my case, lose respect and if you don't regain it, you will feel trapped and taken advantage of.
Finally Started
Back to the day we were in court.
We didn't get started until 2:30. Bill's attorney alleged that I had retaliated against Bill when I took him off the medical coverage and when I removed him from the life insurance. He said I earn $10,000 a month twelve months of the year and that my dad should be paying $1750 a month to live in the house. He also said I retaliated when I put Bill's cell phone line on hold. That's when I realized why it was that this attorney's 'short matters' in another courtroom had turned into 'long matters'. Bill's attorney can't get to the point. He talks around and around. He slurs his words together a little and is the unfortunate recipient of the gift of poor oratory skills. I have no idea why Bill hired him. He charges $425 an hour and now wants $30,000 in attorney's fees. He used the word 'clearly' a lot, but what I saw was that whenever he said that word, he was about to stretch the truth. It became a 'marker' word. He'd say, "Clearly," and I'd think, "Here comes a lie." It never failed.
Then the judge said we needed to take a break for the court reporter. I was worried the little squirt would disappear again.
My attorney had Bill on the stand and reminded him that he had been removed from the house on a domestic violence charge. Bill was quick to say he had never laid a hand on me. The rest was a blur.
How did the day go by so quickly? I don't know. But soon it was 4:30 and time for court to close for the day. We had not even begun to present our case. As if that weren't bad enough, the judge asked the attorneys to run the Dissomaster program (a program that's used statewide to calculate spousal support) on $10,000 a month and additional $750, $1750 and $1300. We tried to tell the judge that I didn't make $10,000 a month but he wouldn't allow any additional comments. I felt like a victim. I felt myself sinking into a depression.
Two days later I came down with a cold that moved into my chest and I've been ill ever since.
We didn't get started until 2:30. Bill's attorney alleged that I had retaliated against Bill when I took him off the medical coverage and when I removed him from the life insurance. He said I earn $10,000 a month twelve months of the year and that my dad should be paying $1750 a month to live in the house. He also said I retaliated when I put Bill's cell phone line on hold. That's when I realized why it was that this attorney's 'short matters' in another courtroom had turned into 'long matters'. Bill's attorney can't get to the point. He talks around and around. He slurs his words together a little and is the unfortunate recipient of the gift of poor oratory skills. I have no idea why Bill hired him. He charges $425 an hour and now wants $30,000 in attorney's fees. He used the word 'clearly' a lot, but what I saw was that whenever he said that word, he was about to stretch the truth. It became a 'marker' word. He'd say, "Clearly," and I'd think, "Here comes a lie." It never failed.
Then the judge said we needed to take a break for the court reporter. I was worried the little squirt would disappear again.
My attorney had Bill on the stand and reminded him that he had been removed from the house on a domestic violence charge. Bill was quick to say he had never laid a hand on me. The rest was a blur.
How did the day go by so quickly? I don't know. But soon it was 4:30 and time for court to close for the day. We had not even begun to present our case. As if that weren't bad enough, the judge asked the attorneys to run the Dissomaster program (a program that's used statewide to calculate spousal support) on $10,000 a month and additional $750, $1750 and $1300. We tried to tell the judge that I didn't make $10,000 a month but he wouldn't allow any additional comments. I felt like a victim. I felt myself sinking into a depression.
Two days later I came down with a cold that moved into my chest and I've been ill ever since.
My Very Own Auto Policy
I had caught the auto policy expiring at least twice since the separation. I had called the insurance 'mother ship' wherever they are. They told me that since the policy was in my husband's name, the bills would be sent to him. Even though they had our home address, the premium letters were being forwarded to wherever it is Bill lives by the post office. The mother office was neither going to add my name to the mailing envelope nor put the policy in my name.
Catching the premiums by 'intuition', or by what I thought might be a time they were due, became quite a trick. And so I discovered on Wednesday evening that the policy had expired two days before our last court visit. Game over! I sent my attorney a quick email and he called me at 7:30 the next morning. He said to go ahead and get my own auto policy.
You may ask why I had continued to keep my charming ex covered all this time? No, it's not because I am too kind. There is something called an ATRO, it's a type of temporary restraining order that goes into effect as soon as your separate. The ATRO restrains you from changing or discontinuing many things during the course of the divorce. One of the elements of the ATRO prohibited me from making any changes in any insurance policies. (Bill's attorney had claimed I had violated the ATRO by changing the beneficiary on my life insurance policy. Even after presented with the evidence that I had taken out the insurance policy in 2002. But that's another story.)
I could take off any car that did not have me listed as the owner. That was just the Acura. I only saved $10 but at least I'll get my premiums and won't be putting myself, my child, and my grandchild in the precarious position of driving around without insurance.
My attorney sent Bill's a letter notifying him that since Bill had put me in peril, the ATRO was no longer applicable and Bill would now need to get his own policy for the Acura. Bill's attorney will probably say he never received the letter. That would come as no surprise.
Catching the premiums by 'intuition', or by what I thought might be a time they were due, became quite a trick. And so I discovered on Wednesday evening that the policy had expired two days before our last court visit. Game over! I sent my attorney a quick email and he called me at 7:30 the next morning. He said to go ahead and get my own auto policy.
You may ask why I had continued to keep my charming ex covered all this time? No, it's not because I am too kind. There is something called an ATRO, it's a type of temporary restraining order that goes into effect as soon as your separate. The ATRO restrains you from changing or discontinuing many things during the course of the divorce. One of the elements of the ATRO prohibited me from making any changes in any insurance policies. (Bill's attorney had claimed I had violated the ATRO by changing the beneficiary on my life insurance policy. Even after presented with the evidence that I had taken out the insurance policy in 2002. But that's another story.)
I could take off any car that did not have me listed as the owner. That was just the Acura. I only saved $10 but at least I'll get my premiums and won't be putting myself, my child, and my grandchild in the precarious position of driving around without insurance.
My attorney sent Bill's a letter notifying him that since Bill had put me in peril, the ATRO was no longer applicable and Bill would now need to get his own policy for the Acura. Bill's attorney will probably say he never received the letter. That would come as no surprise.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Two Months????
Has it really been two months since I've written? So much has happened.
School started on August 30 and was its usual whirlwind, there were many bumps in that road, Laura's pregnancy has progressed with continuing difficulties, I've been dragged back into court in a living nightmare followed by weeks of emotional and physical fatigue, depression and a respiratory ailment that knocked me off my feet.
I will briefly describe my return to the county courthouse. Bill filed another OSC (Order to Show Cause). What IS an Order to Show Cause? Does it mean I have to show cause as to why I shouldn't have to pay him more spousal support or does he have to show cause as to why he needs more spousal support? I don't know which one applies here. The order was filed in May while Bill's attorney was going through physical therapy in a rehabilitation facility for back surgery he had as a result of getting rear-ended on the freeway. The guy already had a back problem and walked with a cane. Bill got the man's associate to file the paperwork. We were ordered to show up to respond to it on a date in June. However, my attorney was doing a trial in the Criminal Courts building on the same date and had to get a postponement. The new date was set for September 28. I had to fill out another Income and Expenses Report (takes a looonnngg time) and had to pay my attorney to appear. I had to be there as well. But first we needed to finish the deposition nightmare. The former attorney had taken my deposition in March but my attorney had not deposed Bill. By September, Bill had a new attorney.
Here's where it gets creepy. I showed up for Bill's deposition at the appointed time. I sat alone in the waiting room at my attorney's office for forty minutes. The entire time I worried about Bill showing up and the two of us having to sit in the waiting area alone together. Forty minutes can be an extremely long time when you're dreading something. My attorney called from the road. He was going to be late and said that both Bill and his attorney were going to be late too. When he walked in he looked at me and said, "What's wrong? Why do you look like a deer in the headlights?"
"I was sitting here alone and I was afraid Bill would come in before you."
"I'm so sorry. I promise I'll never do that to you again."
Bill and his attorney showed up shortly after that.
It was hard for me to sit through the depo and not say anything. Bill claimed 'chemo brain' and misremembered many, many things. He said he thought he was still in law school when we got married. He wasn't. He had been out of law school for almost a year when we married. But the reason why this is important is that if he were still in law school when we married then I would be responsible for many of the student loans he never repaid. He also said the Acura was purchased with funds from his inheritance. Another bit of misinformation. If he had bought the car with his inheritance, then the car would not be part of community property, and it was worth almost $20,000 at the time we separated. So, here in his deposition, these two pieces of misinformation could be costly for me. But they won't be because I have the paperwork to prove the truth on both of those issues.
Both in the depo and in court, he claimed his last job was owner/general contractor on the remodel of our house. There is no denying the sweat equity he put into the house. He worked alongside the construction crew and supervised everything. But the 'job' only lasted seven months from start to finish, and I have had to spend money 'fixing' a lot of things since then.
The worst thing was the court date on September 28. I was supposed to meet my attorney at 7:30 a.m. but traffic was bad and I got there a bit late. Of course it was the first time I ever had been late and the first time my attorney had shown up on time. I think he was very careful to show up on time because Bill's friend, David, had been talking loudly about my attorney bleeding me and that he, David, was going to check the court records to see if my attorney was really in court on the June date he canceled. David had also said Bill's attorney had made a 'settlement offer' and I had turned it down. The truth was, there was no settlement offer. Here's what it was: the little squirt had said they wouldn't take me to court if I would give them EVERYTHING they asked for in the OSC and if I would pay the little squirt $25,000. That's not a settlement offer. That's a 'deal' not to make me show up in court.
Then we had our strategy meeting and headed up to the courtroom. Bill came in shortly after the courtroom opened and his attorney showed up right after that. So here's where it gets dicey. Our case looked to be coming up at about 11:00. At 10:30, Bill's attorney came over to my attorney and said he'd been called up to another courtroom on another matter which wouldn't take long. At noon, he still wasn't back. Our case had already been called more than once and the judge just had to slip others in. The court took its lunch recess. At 1:30, the little squirt was out in the hall with Bill and I thought 'yippee, we're on next'. At 1:31 the sleazeball came over to my attorney and said he'd just be recalled up to the other courtroom for about ten to fifteen minutes. We didn't see him again until 2:30.
I was pissed.
School started on August 30 and was its usual whirlwind, there were many bumps in that road, Laura's pregnancy has progressed with continuing difficulties, I've been dragged back into court in a living nightmare followed by weeks of emotional and physical fatigue, depression and a respiratory ailment that knocked me off my feet.
I will briefly describe my return to the county courthouse. Bill filed another OSC (Order to Show Cause). What IS an Order to Show Cause? Does it mean I have to show cause as to why I shouldn't have to pay him more spousal support or does he have to show cause as to why he needs more spousal support? I don't know which one applies here. The order was filed in May while Bill's attorney was going through physical therapy in a rehabilitation facility for back surgery he had as a result of getting rear-ended on the freeway. The guy already had a back problem and walked with a cane. Bill got the man's associate to file the paperwork. We were ordered to show up to respond to it on a date in June. However, my attorney was doing a trial in the Criminal Courts building on the same date and had to get a postponement. The new date was set for September 28. I had to fill out another Income and Expenses Report (takes a looonnngg time) and had to pay my attorney to appear. I had to be there as well. But first we needed to finish the deposition nightmare. The former attorney had taken my deposition in March but my attorney had not deposed Bill. By September, Bill had a new attorney.
Here's where it gets creepy. I showed up for Bill's deposition at the appointed time. I sat alone in the waiting room at my attorney's office for forty minutes. The entire time I worried about Bill showing up and the two of us having to sit in the waiting area alone together. Forty minutes can be an extremely long time when you're dreading something. My attorney called from the road. He was going to be late and said that both Bill and his attorney were going to be late too. When he walked in he looked at me and said, "What's wrong? Why do you look like a deer in the headlights?"
"I was sitting here alone and I was afraid Bill would come in before you."
"I'm so sorry. I promise I'll never do that to you again."
Bill and his attorney showed up shortly after that.
It was hard for me to sit through the depo and not say anything. Bill claimed 'chemo brain' and misremembered many, many things. He said he thought he was still in law school when we got married. He wasn't. He had been out of law school for almost a year when we married. But the reason why this is important is that if he were still in law school when we married then I would be responsible for many of the student loans he never repaid. He also said the Acura was purchased with funds from his inheritance. Another bit of misinformation. If he had bought the car with his inheritance, then the car would not be part of community property, and it was worth almost $20,000 at the time we separated. So, here in his deposition, these two pieces of misinformation could be costly for me. But they won't be because I have the paperwork to prove the truth on both of those issues.
Both in the depo and in court, he claimed his last job was owner/general contractor on the remodel of our house. There is no denying the sweat equity he put into the house. He worked alongside the construction crew and supervised everything. But the 'job' only lasted seven months from start to finish, and I have had to spend money 'fixing' a lot of things since then.
The worst thing was the court date on September 28. I was supposed to meet my attorney at 7:30 a.m. but traffic was bad and I got there a bit late. Of course it was the first time I ever had been late and the first time my attorney had shown up on time. I think he was very careful to show up on time because Bill's friend, David, had been talking loudly about my attorney bleeding me and that he, David, was going to check the court records to see if my attorney was really in court on the June date he canceled. David had also said Bill's attorney had made a 'settlement offer' and I had turned it down. The truth was, there was no settlement offer. Here's what it was: the little squirt had said they wouldn't take me to court if I would give them EVERYTHING they asked for in the OSC and if I would pay the little squirt $25,000. That's not a settlement offer. That's a 'deal' not to make me show up in court.
Then we had our strategy meeting and headed up to the courtroom. Bill came in shortly after the courtroom opened and his attorney showed up right after that. So here's where it gets dicey. Our case looked to be coming up at about 11:00. At 10:30, Bill's attorney came over to my attorney and said he'd been called up to another courtroom on another matter which wouldn't take long. At noon, he still wasn't back. Our case had already been called more than once and the judge just had to slip others in. The court took its lunch recess. At 1:30, the little squirt was out in the hall with Bill and I thought 'yippee, we're on next'. At 1:31 the sleazeball came over to my attorney and said he'd just be recalled up to the other courtroom for about ten to fifteen minutes. We didn't see him again until 2:30.
I was pissed.
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