25th

April 30th would have been the 25th wedding anniversary for me and Bill. Although not wanting to think about it, I did. I wasn't overcome by waves of sadness. There were no large or overwhelming feelings, but I found myself reflecting back not so much on the wedding itself but on the regrets I have about things I didn't do and things I let go uncontested during the marriage. Of the faults I have in regard to the demise of that relationship, I now believe that the biggest one was that of not letting Bill know when something was unacceptable to me. It should come as no surprise to anyone that was also my biggest downfall in my first marriage. Biggest fault times two means I have to unearth what drives this in me. I think I know. I think that somehow I came to marriage feeling I couldn't ask for anything for myself and that if I confronted my husband on inappropriate or what I would consider unacceptable behavior, I would be a bitch. Somewhere I developed a thinking that said nice girls don't scold their husbands.

It's Time

It's been a long while since I've posted here. Some of this is a result of my feelings that I have put the divorce with Bill behind me, some because I have made several attempts at moving on, some because I've been busy, and some is avoidance behavior. What am I avoiding? The inevitable. My part. My culpability. My shortcomings. Although my life is radically changed from what it was when I started writing this blog; I am, in a myriad of ways, still the unrefined person I was then, more specifically, the woman who entered into two marriages that both turned out to be enormously disappointing to her. Still that same woman. I must take responsibility for my end of these epic failures. It is now time to try again to get inside that woman. I must figure out what I do that makes me end up being unhappy. It may be as simple as 'I don't look at enough qualities when I choose'. It could be, as my daughter once told me: "You have low standards, Mom." OUCH! It may be that I'm a malcontent---that is, once settled into a comfy marriage I, like countless other women, start looking at all the bad stuff, wanting more, always more. Nope. Sheesh, I was afraid to write that. I want so badly to hit the backspace key now. But as a good friend said (about themself) 'What's it like to be married to me?' I have been so afraid to investigate that. So terribly afraid. The hopeful me has so many lovely things to say about myself; the negative me becomes paralyzed at some of the thoughts that come slamming into my head. Those negative thoughts bring with them every criticism that has ever been launched at me, each of them bringing a little friend for backup. It's time to face these guys, but honestly, the task looks daunting.