It Ain't Just a River

I was saying that I felt some relief when my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Why would I have such a feeling? It doesn't feel good to feel that. I had underlying guilt. That I felt that was understandable for someone who knew the details of my life with him. It still didn't take away the gnawing sense of guilt. Human but not humane.

So, if it was understandable, was it okay? Given the totality of our years together and the ongoing betrayals, was it okay? I can forgive if behavior stops. Remorse, repentance, sincere apologies go a long way with me. I can forgive. I can forget (believe it or not). Despite my steel-trap memory, I can do that. But when the behavior keeps returning, I can't. I used to love it when Bill went into his depressions because all the things he did during his manic episodes that I said he shouldn't do, he would agree with me and apologize for. But in time he would do them again. And the cycle would repeat itself. My thinking, and this is where my religion worked against me, was that if I showed enough love, if I modeled the right behavior, if I acted as my faith tells me I need to act, then he would 'get it'. He would see how his behavior, his lack of ethics, his low morals, were hurting the two people he loved most. And he would act in love, through love, with love, and stop being an Asshole. A huge asshole. But I was an asshole to think that way. I should have either accepted what I had or thrown in the towel years ago. To have stayed on as I did was not right. It only changed temporarily. He wasn't capable of acting out of love consistently. He isn't hard-wired that way.

This was a topic in my counseling this week and it is where the title of this entry comes in. If I had come to my senses, if I had opened my eyes and finally said to myself, "This is not going to get any better than it is. I don't like this. I'm outta here!" I would have been making the best choice for me. Maybe it would have been the best choice for Laura too. To have believed he could change through love and my examples was an exercise in futility. I was in denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt, it's also flowing through my brain. In this time of reflection, this time of getting my thought patterns onto a healthier track, I have got to think of denial and the part it plays in my life. Am I unable to see when something is a loser? Can I get to the point where I see when something is just not ever going to be right? I denied what was really Bill and then, instead of realizing what was, I deflected his nasty comments to me and detached from him------while all the while playing the role of the loving wife. My bad. Can't do that again. Can't near that point again. It will be interesting to see how I deal with any instincts I have towards denial.