In my early days as a Christian, the pastor once said God doesn't give us any more than He knows we can handle. Trials on this earth are always tough subjects for believers. If I'm a Christian, if I believe God and try to follow His ways, then why do bad things happen to me? Shouldn't the bad people, the wicked, the vicious, have the bad stuff happen to them? If I'm saved and a believer, then don't I get a pass?
Apparently not.
Today I reviewed my FB photos and noticed I posted some from last Easter. A whole year has gone by. And what a year it's been: Cancer, bipolar escalation, accusations, divorce, court, attorneys, attorneys' bills, packing and cataloging, restraining orders, my 90-year-old father, emergency surgery, hospital visits, and wage garnishment. And work. Let's don't forget that little old job that makes my world possible. It seemed that I spent much of this past year in the greatest torment ever. At every turn I faced something I thought was too big for me to handle. And I learned I could handle each horrid thing that came my way. I was pleased the God I love had so much faith in me. "Really?" I'd think. "You REALLY think I can handle THIS too? Wow, God! You must think I am very, very strong. Thanks."
This week more was added. Thanks again. Thank you for the vote of confidence, Lord. But this time I think You hit my limit. All full. No more room for stress. This time I'm out on the ledge and I'm teetering.
First, my sisters are having a 'tough time' with each other. This has been an undercurrent in our lives that hasn't truly been put to rest. We went to lunch to 'clear the air'. I could barely eat. It was so difficult I am not even going to write about it here. I am worried about the future of my siblings' relationships. I am worried about our future get-togethers, and our future as a family. It is already decided that we will NOT have our annual holiday reunion this December, but will move to alternate year reunions, and who knows what will happen after that? The kids are all getting older. They're getting ready to go out in the world. There is little or nothing I can to do heal this sibling conflict. I am deeply concerned.
After my 'sister luncheon', I was drained. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I could barely move. I laid down. Laura and Kyle came to where I was staying. I had missed the kids. I had been at one sister's and they had been at the other's. I didn't know how much of the conflict was being 'shared' with them, and I was nervous they were taking sides. But that quickly became unimportant because the next thing I knew they were telling me Laura is pregnant.
OK, God! Once again, I appreciate the vote of confidence. I don't want to sound ungrateful. But remember me? Nice person, intelligent, decent worker but not exceedingly driven, not a type A, not highly competitive, handles stress BUT DOESN'T LIKE IT? Is this ringing any bells? Well, I just want you to know that's it!!! No more tests of my strength. You've hit it. It's right here. In fact, I think we hit it back there at the luncheon. My bowl of stress did not need extra whipped cream AND a cherry on top. The sister thing maxed me out. I didn't need a pregnant, unwed daughter too. Not fair.
(Dear Reader, now would NOT be the time to give me that tripe about life not being fair.)
There is a wonderful bumper sticker that plays on the children's song "Jesus Loves Me". It says 'Jesus knows me, this I love'. I wonder if Jesus knows me better than I know myself. If this stress stuff ramps up any more than it has, then if Jesus knows me, He should know He better run for cover when I get to heaven cuz I'm gonna punch Him right in the kisser.
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