I write this blog as a way of getting through a difficult divorce with a difficult man who was the love of my life but turned out to be bipolar, self-absorbed and controlling. After being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he told me he had never stopped gambling, an addiction that had caused us a lot of pain in our earlier years. This led to me filing dissolution papers before he had a chance to run up any more debts against community property.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Surprising Timing
Yesterday was the first day of school. It would have been the first day of my last year of teaching if circumstances surrounding this divorce hadn't put me in a situation where I had to retire a year early. Nevertheless, I have felt wonderful about school starting and my not being there. I visited some colleagues on Monday, not envying their daunting classroom tasks, knowing all too well that what they are doing now is only the beginning of a long journey. Then I went off to have a pedicure. I didn't feel even the slightest twinge of nostalgia. Walking into classrooms only made me how tired and overwhelming this can be.
Wednesday morning I lolled around in bed until 8:20, approximately the time school started, then rolled out for a leisurely cup of coffee. At 9:25 I loaded my bike onto the rack and drove to the marina for a nice long bike ride. I rode for over an hour. As I was putting the bike back on the rack, my cell phone rang. It was Laura. She asked if I was going to be home and if I could watch KJ. I said I would. When I got home, Dad's caregiver said David, Bill's friend, had come over and asked that I call him as soon as I got in. He had asked his ex-wife to get Laura's number the night before. She didn't want to be in the middle. It had ended up with me passing David's numbers to Kyle because Laura had misplaced her phone.
When Laura arrived I asked if she had found out what David wanted. She said yes. He told her Bill is in the hospital and has been there for two weeks. His liver and kidneys are shutting down. He's not doing well. He might be on his death bed.
Laura visited him. He was thin, yellow, only somewhat coherent, and there was a bag collecting fluids from his stomach.
The onus is on her now. She has to get durable power of attorney, has to take over his finances, pay his bills and clean out his apartment. He will go to a woman's house after he leaves the hospital and will have no need for a home of his own. The woman is a former nurse and will take care of him. Hospice will begin. I told Laura that I would help her with whatever she needs me to do. But tomorrow I leave to go to north for my annual vacation. It is likely he will pass while I am away. I said I'd go out to his place with her and help pack on the weekends during September.
My emotions are raw now. I am sad, confused, conflicted, torn, and just generally feeling bad. I didn't want him to spend his final days this way. I wanted to be the one who cared for him during his exit from this world. Even though he hadn't been a really good husband, we had had many good times, we had passed many milestones together, he was the father of my child, he had been both my best friend and my worst enemy. And now he would be leaving this world far away and in the company of strangers.
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