Stalled

I feel stalled and impatient. My emotions have been on lockdown for almost three years now. Who knows? They may have checked out years ago as a way to survive the 'surprises' of my time with Bill, keep the family intact, and not let my child see me upset, or worse, angry. Was it a conscious choice at some point? Did they give me some kind of notice they were checking out? Or did this happen at the break-up? As I sit here writing this stream of consciousness, I think perhaps the correct answer is the second one. They probably gave me notice and I was probably relieved to hear the news. In order to simply survive and not unravel, my emotions had to step out. And I think I knew this happened. Many years ago. The question now is: Will they be coming back? Because my gut feeling is that this had been a means of emotional survival for me for quite some time. It's how I forged ahead with raising Laura and keeping the peace in the house. It's how I insulated myself against the emotional impact of the 'surprises'. In this manner I could steel myself for anything and not be knocked over by unexpected events. It enabled me to successfully and even adeptly walk on egg shells. The upside is tremendous personal strength and the ability to generally look at things logically before, or sometimes instead of, reacting to them. I created a distance with my emotions. I became more logical, less reactive and, I think there is a nice piece of maturity in that. The downside is that I am not open to starting any new kind of relationship. I meet men and I feel nothing. The thought of even the remotest possibility of dealing with a demanding, idiosyncratic, and most frighteningly, critical male companion is currently outweighing all other considerations, and I am losing patience with it. I don't want to give up the logical and self-controlled qualities I've developed. I would say they almost give me wisdom. In fact, when I was touring Russia and Ukraine with a group of Christians, the leader called me the Voice of Sanity, but I don't want to live my life without being open to something that might enhance what I now consider to be a very full life. Now the need for caged emotions is no longer in my best interests. How do I invite them back into my life, and to what degree? Do I have much control over this? What's the procedure? How do I let go and open up? Unfortunately, I think I still have a long way to go.