Dadisms

Dad tries very hard to be 'with it'. In the simplest of ways, he misses the point in a lot of conversations. Tonight he asked Laura where she got the pumpkins she had carved. (She'd really done a great job. One was a howling wolf and the other was an entire haunted house.) She said she had bought the pumpkins and had carved them using stencils. He asked what the seeds were. She said we had gotten the seeds from inside the pumpkins. He asked if they had been in a plastic bag.

A letter arrived from the investment company. About 12 years ago Dad had set up a charitable gift trust with some money he had inherited. That was a great thing about having a father who was gay and had many gay friends. Few of his friends had any children. In fact, many had been estranged from their families. They usually left everything to someone in the circle of gay friends. Over the years he had inherited a few thousand dollars here and a few there. But 12 years ago he hit the Mother Lode: the second of a gay 'couple' died and left their entire estate to Dad. This couple had lived very simply, trieying to survive off their Social Security checks, and salting away the rest of what they had ever had. Dad inherited a quarter of a million. He set up college funds for his grandchildren, an additional IRA for himself, and this charitable gift trust. The purpose of the trust was to use the increase in its value to make donations to charitable or non-profit organizations. By donating only interest earned, the trust would perpetuate itself, thus enabling us to make donations forever. Last month we donated a couple thousand to Dad's alma mater and the remainder of his annual tithe to the church. This letter was the quarterly statement. He wrote on it, "Cindy, what is this? It looks really interesting."

On the annual statement of his life insurance policy he wrote, "What is this?"

On another insurance policy, he wrote: "This looks like a come-on."

For his 90th birthday, I made Dad's favorite dishes: apricot-glazed chicken, rice pilaf, pineapple upside down cake. When we were eating it, he asked if we'd ever had it before.

Lawyer Stunt #1

The other day at work,I received a letter in my box. It was from the County Office of Education and it had 'confidential' stamped all over it, I mean ALL over it. I usually don't pay much attention to things from LACOE; they're usually items for the circular file. But the stamps told me this one wasn't for tossing. When I opened it, it said that there was some kind of action going on against one of their employees, and that employee was me. It took me a while to figure it out; it wasn't all that easy to read. Apparently, Bill's attorney took it upon himself to contact the court to have my spousal support payments deducted from my paycheck. Why would he do that after I had already set it up to have Bill paid twice a month on billpay? I had set it up on time, despite Bill's closing his back account and not notifying my attorney until the day the first payment was due. Bill was receiving $1250 checks twice a month, and had been since the end of September. This order I received from LACOE said that $2500 was to be deducted from my pay once a month on the first of every month, starting Novenber 1. So here's the problem with that: 1) Having the entire amount taken from my account at once makes it difficult for me to pay my mortgage, which costs quite a bit and 2) if you give Bill a lump sum at the beginning of the month and tell him to make it last for the entire month, he can't do it. He's horrible with money and needs to have it doled out to him in small quantities or he will blow it within two weeks and will then cry poverty to his attorney. And what will happen then? His attorney will go back to court and ask for more money, claiming his client can't exist on the paltry sum to which we have agreed. I can see it now. I, on the other hand, will argue that Bill has a gambling addiction that no amount of spousal support will ever be able to feed. And 3)if I hadn't been notified by LACOE, this would have gone into effect on November 1, resulting in me having the money deducted twice: once from the billpay I have set up and another time by LACOE deducting it from my check. And once that money would be given to Bill, I'd never see it again. I would double pay the spousal support and he wouldn't give it back.

I called my attorney. He knew nothing of this action. He wrote up an amendment to the action Bill's attorney had made. I signed it. Bill's attorney didn't call him back on it; he rarely does. I hope we can get it done. Now we get to spend more unnecessary money in attorney's fees.

Note to self: Bill's attorney is not trustworthy.

October 28

I only had to take the medication for four days, and then, and I don't know how, but it could have been a result of the power of prayer, my breathing was normal again and I was no longer feeling depressed. It is such a relief to be able to inhale and get a lungful of air. The tension is no longer in my chest. What a relief!

Dad turned 90 on the 23rd. He had a lot of anxiety going up to the day. He was worried he wouldn't make it to 90. I told him I thought he'd make it. He did.

I made him his favorite dishes for dinner: apricot-glazed chicken, rice pilaf, pineapple upsidedown cake. I also threw in some garlic bread and a salad. I used the formal china, crystal, flatware and found some damask linen napkins and tablecloth. There were only four of us but it went well. He asked me if he'd ever eaten that kind of chicken before....Yeah, I got the recipe from you, Dad. That memory---on again, off again.

I hadn't thought of having Beth and Mark down until about the 15th. They couldn't drive because Mark was doing some guy hunting trip which put Beth in a situation of flying instead of driving. But flying within 14 days of your departure date makes for a pricey plane ticket. So, Beth flew down on the 26th and we had a belated birthday celebration for Dad. On Tuesday evening we went up to Kriss's in Beverly Hills for a special birthday dinner. AS usual, Kriss had the china and crystal set out in the formal dining room with Luis serving all the courses. Is it serve from the left and take from the right? Or is it serve from the right, take from the left? Laura and Kyle went up with us. I think they had a good time but Kyle had worked a graveyard shift the night before, and he was unusually quiet. Dad was a little controlling ----- but what else is new? Since the divorce started, he has tried to assert himself as the dominant personality in the house but we either politely ignore him or try to joke him out of it.

Saturday

Although I first woke up at 5:18, I was able to go back to sleep for at least two more hours. I had uncomfortable dreams about the novel I've been reading. The anti-anxiety meds I've started taking aren't really wonderful in reducing my physiological reaction to the tension but they help me sleep, thus elliminating my need for medical marijuana at bedtime. And I wonder? If I can't fall asleep on my own, which is better: medical marijuana in chocolate bar or brownie form, or Lorazapam?

I rode my bike down to Manhattan Beach, turned around and rode back. I had parked at Dockweiler, a big beach right under the take-off paths from LAX. It was good to ride far again and to reach a real destination but I long to make the complete ride down to Hermosa Beach where I feel like I've truly entered another world. I was back home before 10:00 a.m. I hadn't eaten breakfast but decided I'd rather clean out Quincy's yard, wipe down his cage and put in some carpeting for comfort when the weather is drizzly or rainy. He is bored back there; I hope to do something to make it more pleasant for him.

The day crawled on......

I scooped a lot of poop. I picked up mushy grapefruits. I swept. I tidied. It was barely noon. The kids kept talking about buying sandwiches for lunch. I went to the sheds to rearrange the things there. When I came back the kids were gone. Where's my lunch? It was 2:00 when they came back. I was reading. We ate and I asked them to help me clean the third shed. They headed off to the Westside Animal Shelter to check on the dog they had rescued out in San Bernardino. Why do they go there to visit? It's just torture. Everytime I go there, I come home crying for the sweet animals I'm unable to adopt.

Bill wrote. He wants things. Laura doesn't want to be in the middle when Bill wants stuff. We want to circumvent unnecessary legal costs but we don't want to do something that could end up with me having to pay more in the end. For instance, one day last month Bill contacted the insurance department at my district. He told them he needs a 'life saving' procedure but couldn't have it done until he was released from the coverage I have him on at Kaiser. I agreed, but in doing so, I had him taken off my dental coverage as well. This was another instance where Bill made a demand and made people feel it had to be taken care of instantly. What I didn't realize was that by taking him off Kaiser and dental, I made myself vulnerable to him claiming that he only wanted off the Kaiser, and that he wanted to stay on the dental. Now I have to get the person in the health office to write a letter saying that Bill asked to be released from all my coverage.

Today he sent Laura an email asking for a number of items. HE wasnts his desk, dressers, a flat screen and wall mount, a blender, a Bamix and a table. That's fine with me but he still hasn't taken some items we set out for him a long time ago. HE needs to take the benches from the van and other things. We're spending a lot of time packing things for him. Even after I thought I had gotten everything of his out of the house, I kept finding more and more things. It is tiring and neverending.

My down-sized mood and anxiety continue to color my perspective on everything. I feel low and time drags on slowly.

October 15

I spend the last four months being surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family. I have made several trips out of town and my home is a happy, more relaxed place now. I have even had house guests several times. Laura and Kyle have moved in with me and we have lots of laughs. Laura got a job coaching cheer at the high school and assists at her favorite beauty salon three days a week. She is happy. In fact, she is thriving. She had an emergency appendectomy on Labor Day weekend but has fully recovered. I spent the night sleeping in a chair in her room. She did so well through it all. She kept her sense of humor and was kind and gracious to everyone she met. I was so proud of her. She continues to become more and more of a remarkable young woman. I am excited to see what she becomes as she continues to mature.

The school year started with a bang because that was the day after Laura came home from the hospital. Four wonderful people came in and helped me set up my classroom. It wouldn't have happened without them. My children are a good group, but not without their own little problems. But this year I have been using a community-building program in the room and it seems to be making a difference. We seem to be coming together as a unit, and there is a greater spirit of helping and cooperation. I am hopeful that this year will be one of the best ones I have had in a long time.

Dad will turn 90 next week. He is healthy but cognitively he doesn't catch on like he used to. And he doesn't seem to filter out many comments, comments that do nothing other than hurt. I have become almost gun-shy of him. I cringe when he wants to talk to me and some of the dinner criticisms are not so well disguised anymore. He obsesses about his weight and how often he poops. It seems to be a form of anorexia. He can't see that he weighs far less than he ever has and that he needs to gain about fifteen pounds. If the caregivers give him the mail before I can get to it, he writes weird comments on the envelopes for me. For instance, on his life insurance policy he wrote, "I don't know what this is. Is it some sort of come-on?" We will celebrate his birthday slightly on his real birthday but the following Tuesday my sister will fly down as a surprise and we will go up to our oldest friend's house at the top of Beverly Hills for a lovely and formal dinner that evening. I am hoping it will be very special. I will bake him a pineapple upsidedown cake for his real birthday at home; I just don't know if I should invite some people over. I have been invited to two parties that day but don't plan on going. It's a busy one.

Bill is happily living in the desert smoking cigars and playing lots of poker. He took two of the dogs and has gone back into some Search and Rescue work. I hear he is finally coming down from this mania. He has been manic since April. I thought he'd come down by late August, early September, but he didn't until now. He has treated this divorce as a business deal, and he intent has been to try to get as much money as he can from me. I never wanted to be on this end of a business dealing with him. I am no match for his wiles.

As happens in all divorces, I'm sure, my time of euphoria has come to an end. I checked my finances a couple of weeks ago and realized that I won't be able to make ends meet. A few days later I started having a stress/anxiety problem that I haven't had in over 26 years. I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I try to inhale but it feels like my lungs don't fill up. After an hour of this I start to feel panicky. I went to the doctor. Dang. I had to get anti-anxiety medication. The doctor offered me Prozac as well but I told her, no, I'm really a pretty 'up' person. Then a text message from a friend brought me crashing down. I feel alone, lonely, despondent, down. It was time, I guess. This is just another phase I'll go through. Certainly I won't stay down in the dumps forever. But I'm thinking I should have taken that Prozac.