October 15

I spend the last four months being surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family. I have made several trips out of town and my home is a happy, more relaxed place now. I have even had house guests several times. Laura and Kyle have moved in with me and we have lots of laughs. Laura got a job coaching cheer at the high school and assists at her favorite beauty salon three days a week. She is happy. In fact, she is thriving. She had an emergency appendectomy on Labor Day weekend but has fully recovered. I spent the night sleeping in a chair in her room. She did so well through it all. She kept her sense of humor and was kind and gracious to everyone she met. I was so proud of her. She continues to become more and more of a remarkable young woman. I am excited to see what she becomes as she continues to mature.

The school year started with a bang because that was the day after Laura came home from the hospital. Four wonderful people came in and helped me set up my classroom. It wouldn't have happened without them. My children are a good group, but not without their own little problems. But this year I have been using a community-building program in the room and it seems to be making a difference. We seem to be coming together as a unit, and there is a greater spirit of helping and cooperation. I am hopeful that this year will be one of the best ones I have had in a long time.

Dad will turn 90 next week. He is healthy but cognitively he doesn't catch on like he used to. And he doesn't seem to filter out many comments, comments that do nothing other than hurt. I have become almost gun-shy of him. I cringe when he wants to talk to me and some of the dinner criticisms are not so well disguised anymore. He obsesses about his weight and how often he poops. It seems to be a form of anorexia. He can't see that he weighs far less than he ever has and that he needs to gain about fifteen pounds. If the caregivers give him the mail before I can get to it, he writes weird comments on the envelopes for me. For instance, on his life insurance policy he wrote, "I don't know what this is. Is it some sort of come-on?" We will celebrate his birthday slightly on his real birthday but the following Tuesday my sister will fly down as a surprise and we will go up to our oldest friend's house at the top of Beverly Hills for a lovely and formal dinner that evening. I am hoping it will be very special. I will bake him a pineapple upsidedown cake for his real birthday at home; I just don't know if I should invite some people over. I have been invited to two parties that day but don't plan on going. It's a busy one.

Bill is happily living in the desert smoking cigars and playing lots of poker. He took two of the dogs and has gone back into some Search and Rescue work. I hear he is finally coming down from this mania. He has been manic since April. I thought he'd come down by late August, early September, but he didn't until now. He has treated this divorce as a business deal, and he intent has been to try to get as much money as he can from me. I never wanted to be on this end of a business dealing with him. I am no match for his wiles.

As happens in all divorces, I'm sure, my time of euphoria has come to an end. I checked my finances a couple of weeks ago and realized that I won't be able to make ends meet. A few days later I started having a stress/anxiety problem that I haven't had in over 26 years. I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I try to inhale but it feels like my lungs don't fill up. After an hour of this I start to feel panicky. I went to the doctor. Dang. I had to get anti-anxiety medication. The doctor offered me Prozac as well but I told her, no, I'm really a pretty 'up' person. Then a text message from a friend brought me crashing down. I feel alone, lonely, despondent, down. It was time, I guess. This is just another phase I'll go through. Certainly I won't stay down in the dumps forever. But I'm thinking I should have taken that Prozac.