Saturday

Although I first woke up at 5:18, I was able to go back to sleep for at least two more hours. I had uncomfortable dreams about the novel I've been reading. The anti-anxiety meds I've started taking aren't really wonderful in reducing my physiological reaction to the tension but they help me sleep, thus elliminating my need for medical marijuana at bedtime. And I wonder? If I can't fall asleep on my own, which is better: medical marijuana in chocolate bar or brownie form, or Lorazapam?

I rode my bike down to Manhattan Beach, turned around and rode back. I had parked at Dockweiler, a big beach right under the take-off paths from LAX. It was good to ride far again and to reach a real destination but I long to make the complete ride down to Hermosa Beach where I feel like I've truly entered another world. I was back home before 10:00 a.m. I hadn't eaten breakfast but decided I'd rather clean out Quincy's yard, wipe down his cage and put in some carpeting for comfort when the weather is drizzly or rainy. He is bored back there; I hope to do something to make it more pleasant for him.

The day crawled on......

I scooped a lot of poop. I picked up mushy grapefruits. I swept. I tidied. It was barely noon. The kids kept talking about buying sandwiches for lunch. I went to the sheds to rearrange the things there. When I came back the kids were gone. Where's my lunch? It was 2:00 when they came back. I was reading. We ate and I asked them to help me clean the third shed. They headed off to the Westside Animal Shelter to check on the dog they had rescued out in San Bernardino. Why do they go there to visit? It's just torture. Everytime I go there, I come home crying for the sweet animals I'm unable to adopt.

Bill wrote. He wants things. Laura doesn't want to be in the middle when Bill wants stuff. We want to circumvent unnecessary legal costs but we don't want to do something that could end up with me having to pay more in the end. For instance, one day last month Bill contacted the insurance department at my district. He told them he needs a 'life saving' procedure but couldn't have it done until he was released from the coverage I have him on at Kaiser. I agreed, but in doing so, I had him taken off my dental coverage as well. This was another instance where Bill made a demand and made people feel it had to be taken care of instantly. What I didn't realize was that by taking him off Kaiser and dental, I made myself vulnerable to him claiming that he only wanted off the Kaiser, and that he wanted to stay on the dental. Now I have to get the person in the health office to write a letter saying that Bill asked to be released from all my coverage.

Today he sent Laura an email asking for a number of items. HE wasnts his desk, dressers, a flat screen and wall mount, a blender, a Bamix and a table. That's fine with me but he still hasn't taken some items we set out for him a long time ago. HE needs to take the benches from the van and other things. We're spending a lot of time packing things for him. Even after I thought I had gotten everything of his out of the house, I kept finding more and more things. It is tiring and neverending.

My down-sized mood and anxiety continue to color my perspective on everything. I feel low and time drags on slowly.