Didya Know????

Did ya know it costs about $35 to get married at City Hall, $350 to file for divorce and $35,000 to pay attorneys to get a settlement? What's wrong with this picture? I contend that our society has blinders on when it comes to marriage and its dissolution. We live in an age---if not a society as a whole-----where marriage suffers greatly from the 'Disney Effect'. Now there's a good title for a book.

What's the Disney Effect (besides a term I just made up)? It's the notion that weddings are grand events and magical moments. And no matter how difficult it was for that couple to get to the point where they walked down the aisle and said their 'I do's', they will, once those 'I do's' are said, live happily ever after. End of movie. No more to discuss. Maybe Walt Disney should have had a Dr. Phil consulting during his movie productions. I contend it was almost reckless of Disney to turn off the cameras (I know these were animated films but how can I describe this?) when he did. Take your vows, and THEN life begins. That is the point when life yells, "Action!" Not, "Cut and print!"

We get our marriage licenses with stars in our eyes. We think we are going to live happily ever after. In so many instances, we don't. I, for one, am a good example of that. I have been married twice. Both times I walked down the aisle as a woman who was incredibly in love. Both times I had stars in my eyes and absolutely no inkling the marriage wouldn't last the rest of my life. Both times I thought I was marrying my soulmate, my best friend, my partner for life. There are absolutely volumes on wedding planning. There are TV shows about sumptuous weddings, bridal gowns costing well into the five figures, destination weddings, and brides competing to see who throws the 'best' wedding bash. Where is the movie that tells you how hard marriage can be? Where is the book that illustrates the beauty of sticking it out, and when to bail out? Where is the handbook that tells us to be flexible? I don't discount the Bible; it's by far the best book ever written. It's God's big instruction book on life. But what it lacks (should I be so bold as to say the Bible LACKS something?) is the specificity on dealing with things like husbands who go into deep depressions and refuse to seek help. [I would bet large sums of money (which, unfortunately, I wouldn't actually be able to pay since I am going through a divorce) that my first husband still hasn't sought professional help for his ongoing and pernicious depressions.] Where is the tome that a starry-eyed spouse can consult when hisorher partner develops a condition that renders that partner unable to fully participate in a healthy marriage? What can a person consult when their spouse is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she has a 3-year-old to raise? There were a smattering of books, and I read them, but no lifeline, no good answers.

What I am thinking now is that we have more-than-ample resources for planning a great wedding. Our resources for undoing the resulting marriage are limited to, basically, attorneys. Divorce is long, arduous, expensive, and foreign. The language, the approach, the paradigm is not something the average person is ready to tackle. At this point I think only a fool would try to undo a marriage without an attorney. A fancy wedding can cost more than a divorce. Is there a correlation between the cost of the wedding and the cost of that marriage's divorce? I don't think so. My last wedding was almost free of cost. My divorce isn't. And a word to the wise: Even if you think the marriage will last forever, you aren't necessarily the one who makes that decision. Your spouse can divorce you. Hang onto your paperwork. Remember how much you and your properties were worth when you said your 'I do's' because you get to subtract that from the grand total when you ---or your partner----decide to end it all.