When I examined marriages, B & D were one of my favorites. B was my mother's only sister. She had breast cancer in 1987 and beat it after aggressive radiation therapy. She lived for another twenty years. She died in June of 2007, leaving behind a grieving D.
When I was eleven, my mother, sister, baby brother and I lived with B & D in a little farming town in central California. My somewhat new stepfather was going through bankruptcy in Los Angeles but we had moved to the northern part of the state. Parking ourselves in the farming town put us on the road between LA and northern CA. My mother was pregnant, she and her sister adored each other, and we figured we'd see as much of my stepfather there as we would if we stayed in our home.
The months at B & D's were mostly delightful, primarily because of D. He was a kid magnet. He did things neither my father nor my stepfather would do. He built stilts for my cousin, my sister and me. He let us dig a 'swimming pool' in their side yard. He was playful and a good companion for us. They were a big game playing family. Most evenings we would play Tripoly, a combination game of hearts, poker and gin rummy. He never let us win, and we worked to hone our card-playing skills. We all got to be very good card players. Every night he, my aunt and my mom would tuck in the three of us, and it became a wonderfully fun routine with the three of us girls trying to be silly with D.
One day B took me to the local junior high to a have a 'look'. That ended up with me being enrolled in a sixth grade classroom. The school was having a spelling bee and our class emerged as a dark horse. In a large sixth, seventh and eighth grade school, it's highly unusual for one of the sixth-grade classes to be leading in the schoolwide spelling bee. We were on a roll for a while there. D was the president of the chamber of commerce that year. He was a very successful realtor in town. He had built a good business, was a good man, and was respected by all. He arranged for my class to have a 'spelling bee' against the chamber of commerce board. It was so sweet, and we beat them----that time he might have let us win....
Our time there eventually ended. The school year let out and we went back up to northern CA. My mom went into premature labor and a little sister was born. We moved over and over again, but the months with B & D remained as one of my favorite times and places.
D walked his stepdaughter down the aisle in 1960. She didn't want her own father to do it. D had been her father. D walked that new little sister of mine down the aisle when she got married in 1992. Her father had agreed to do it if she would have flown out his four older children from Texas for a 'family reunion'. What a jerk. D was the man for the job.
When I got married 23 years ago, I wanted to have it at B & D's. We all went to Tahoe, where they were living at the time, so that all my people could gather at B & D's, a place where two solid people could support us.
Yesterday my cousin called. D had gone for his morning walk, came back to where he was living, sat down in his favorite chair, had a massive stroke and died. He was 86. He will live on in my mind as one of the best father figures I have ever known, one who embodied so many of the qualities I wished my father or stepfather had had.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sex and Sympathy
When the kids go to visit Bill, they come back and fill me in. In a way, it feels like they're my spies. Ok, they ARE my spies. But it's a good thing. This weekend they went out and stayed all three days. This is a great time to deal with him; his mood is no longer elevated and he is being very nice. As Kyle puts it, "Bill's a retard but he can be very clever and, when he wants to, he can be a great conversationalist. We were at the hot springs and he was talking and being friendly with all kinds of people."
"Yeah, I know the drill."
"We went out to lunch with him and three of his friends from the cancer group. Two were a gay couple and one was a woman whose husband passed away from cancer six months ago. She's really old but I think she's his latest squeeze."
"Really?"
"Yeah, if it's any consolation, she's really old and looks like a hag."
"Hmmmm, thanks. He can be really seductive when he wants to get laid. I figured he'd find some rich widow out there. The desert is full of them."
"I asked him if he'd ever get back with you. He said, 'no, because she divorced me because I have cancer and I'm in the fight of my life. What kind of woman does that?'"
"Oh, geeeezzzzz, not that again. Are you telling me he doesn't remember the night we sat at the kitchen table and he told me----and I quote, 'I've made a decision. I want a divorce, I want to split everything down the middle and move to the desert. I've always wanted to live in the desert.'? Who buys this crap? Is he telling everyone he meets that his wife divorced him because he has cancer?" That question answers itself. Of course he does. It's how he manufactures and maintains his own artificial reality. How could ANYONE be so brazen as to not only tell that lie to strangers but -----start believing it himself????? And to a sweet, nurturing woman, that story would sell like hotcakes.
Sex and sympathy for Bill.
Oh, yeah. And he's going to be asking for more spousal support.
"Yeah, I know the drill."
"We went out to lunch with him and three of his friends from the cancer group. Two were a gay couple and one was a woman whose husband passed away from cancer six months ago. She's really old but I think she's his latest squeeze."
"Really?"
"Yeah, if it's any consolation, she's really old and looks like a hag."
"Hmmmm, thanks. He can be really seductive when he wants to get laid. I figured he'd find some rich widow out there. The desert is full of them."
"I asked him if he'd ever get back with you. He said, 'no, because she divorced me because I have cancer and I'm in the fight of my life. What kind of woman does that?'"
"Oh, geeeezzzzz, not that again. Are you telling me he doesn't remember the night we sat at the kitchen table and he told me----and I quote, 'I've made a decision. I want a divorce, I want to split everything down the middle and move to the desert. I've always wanted to live in the desert.'? Who buys this crap? Is he telling everyone he meets that his wife divorced him because he has cancer?" That question answers itself. Of course he does. It's how he manufactures and maintains his own artificial reality. How could ANYONE be so brazen as to not only tell that lie to strangers but -----start believing it himself????? And to a sweet, nurturing woman, that story would sell like hotcakes.
Sex and sympathy for Bill.
Oh, yeah. And he's going to be asking for more spousal support.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Big Sunglasses
I attend a women's book and Bible study. It's a group of extraordinary women of faith. We all have our trials. We share them. We pray for each other;we support each other. A few of the women are friends I get together with outside of the group. We attend different churches and come from different parts of the city but we would drop everything to help one another.
These women know my story; some know more details than others.
One night I shared that I was starting to experience loneliness. Afterwards, one of my friends came up to me and said, "Get a pair of big sunglasses. Really big sunglasses. Then go for long walks on the beach and cry. Just walk and cry. Walk for hours. That's what I used to do."
"Can I ride my bike?"
"Yes."
These women know my story; some know more details than others.
One night I shared that I was starting to experience loneliness. Afterwards, one of my friends came up to me and said, "Get a pair of big sunglasses. Really big sunglasses. Then go for long walks on the beach and cry. Just walk and cry. Walk for hours. That's what I used to do."
"Can I ride my bike?"
"Yes."
Examining Marriages: B & M
B met M when she started sixth grade. Although only four months younger than B, M was in fifth grade, the unfortunate result of being born two days after the cutoff date for starting school with B's class. B had a way of saying M's name that made me sure that he was more than just another guy. They dated off and on through most of school.
They went their separate ways for the most part. She went off to college. He went off to college. She transferred to a big university in another part of the state. Then she went to study abroad. He dropped out of college and went to a small village in Alaska where a lot of our classmates had gone. He started fishing and crabbing, working seasonally on boats and bartending in the off-season. Somehow B and M got in touch again. She graduated, went to work for the airlines. They got together again and never looked back.
Their wedding was beautiful. They set off on their life, a life that has had many, many twists and turns. They have been through several jobs, enormous financial ups and downs, a special needs child, deaths of parents, and long periods of time when they lived what seemed like 'parallel lives'. At the moment they are living a hand-to-mouth existence. The economic downturn has effected both their fields of work. They go through months where neither of them have any work. They have 3 grown children.
For them, an additional boost to their relationship came in the form of religion. About 15 years ago they became born-again Christians. It has given them a solid foundation on which to build the rest of their lives. It gives them strength to endure hardships and a set of rules to live by. It has really given them a way to navigate the waters of having a special needs child and seeing their jobs vanish right in front of them. They believe God will not only provide but will be there with them and protect them.
They went their separate ways for the most part. She went off to college. He went off to college. She transferred to a big university in another part of the state. Then she went to study abroad. He dropped out of college and went to a small village in Alaska where a lot of our classmates had gone. He started fishing and crabbing, working seasonally on boats and bartending in the off-season. Somehow B and M got in touch again. She graduated, went to work for the airlines. They got together again and never looked back.
Their wedding was beautiful. They set off on their life, a life that has had many, many twists and turns. They have been through several jobs, enormous financial ups and downs, a special needs child, deaths of parents, and long periods of time when they lived what seemed like 'parallel lives'. At the moment they are living a hand-to-mouth existence. The economic downturn has effected both their fields of work. They go through months where neither of them have any work. They have 3 grown children.
For them, an additional boost to their relationship came in the form of religion. About 15 years ago they became born-again Christians. It has given them a solid foundation on which to build the rest of their lives. It gives them strength to endure hardships and a set of rules to live by. It has really given them a way to navigate the waters of having a special needs child and seeing their jobs vanish right in front of them. They believe God will not only provide but will be there with them and protect them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Examining Marriages: B & D
When B was 15 she got knocked up. Her 'beau' was a Stanford grad, a photographer, and was very handsome. B looked a lot older than she was. The baby was beautiful, so beautiful that people would stop her in the store and go on and on about this child. That was 1940. A couple of years later, B was expecting again, but something went wrong with their two-year-old. Her husband, C, was restless. The second child was born and C started 'seeing' his secretary. The first child, however, was having phantom pains. It ramped up and became crippling arthritis. This little girl was in constant agony. One evening B's parents were out dancing, and who should dance past them? C and his secretary. B's dad tapped C on the shoulder, "Are you enjoying your evening?"
B moved in with her parents. She had to give her older daughter all kinds of medications at all kinds of hours. She was consumed with meeting her daughters' needs. She was working on getting her high school diploma. C had married his secretary.
B met D somehow. He was attracted to her but she thought no one would be interested in a young woman with two children, one of whom was severely disabled. B tried to set D up with other women. D wasn't interested in them. D was in love with B.
They married in late 1950. At their wedding, D gave little wedding rings to B's two little girls. He raised them as his own. Luckily for B, D loved children. He was a kid magnet, and not in a creepy way. They played golf together, played bridge together, raised her daughters and had another one of their own. They were two well-matched people. She proved herself to be not only bright but organized, efficient, and hard-working. He went into real estate, then investments. She managed his office. Evenings at their home were fun. There were all kinds of games, parties, company. They socialized, they danced, they had a full life.
All three of their girls married young. C only 'gave away' his first daughter. The second didn't even want him at her wedding. D got lung cancer, they both quit smoking cold-turkey, and D had more than one lung removed. After the third daugher's wedding, they went happily into their empty nest years. They continued with their activities. They built a home in Tahoe. At first they just vacationed there but in time they moved there. They were lucky in love, gaming, sports, horse racing. They had grandchildren. B found a lump in her breast. She had radiation and lived cancer-free another twenty years.
B and D didn't always agree. D got too serious during golf and bridge so B refused to play either of those games with him. But they presented a united front. They admired and adored each other until B died a few years ago.
B moved in with her parents. She had to give her older daughter all kinds of medications at all kinds of hours. She was consumed with meeting her daughters' needs. She was working on getting her high school diploma. C had married his secretary.
B met D somehow. He was attracted to her but she thought no one would be interested in a young woman with two children, one of whom was severely disabled. B tried to set D up with other women. D wasn't interested in them. D was in love with B.
They married in late 1950. At their wedding, D gave little wedding rings to B's two little girls. He raised them as his own. Luckily for B, D loved children. He was a kid magnet, and not in a creepy way. They played golf together, played bridge together, raised her daughters and had another one of their own. They were two well-matched people. She proved herself to be not only bright but organized, efficient, and hard-working. He went into real estate, then investments. She managed his office. Evenings at their home were fun. There were all kinds of games, parties, company. They socialized, they danced, they had a full life.
All three of their girls married young. C only 'gave away' his first daughter. The second didn't even want him at her wedding. D got lung cancer, they both quit smoking cold-turkey, and D had more than one lung removed. After the third daugher's wedding, they went happily into their empty nest years. They continued with their activities. They built a home in Tahoe. At first they just vacationed there but in time they moved there. They were lucky in love, gaming, sports, horse racing. They had grandchildren. B found a lump in her breast. She had radiation and lived cancer-free another twenty years.
B and D didn't always agree. D got too serious during golf and bridge so B refused to play either of those games with him. But they presented a united front. They admired and adored each other until B died a few years ago.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Quintessential Bill
In our marriage there were times when I thought I had insulated myself against future damage from Bill's gambling or 'creative' spending-----usually running up charges on my credit cards. Each time he would blindside me with a newer and more clever approach to his antics. I could never anticipate how he was going to surprise me when the next shoe dropped. I never ceased to be startled.
Getting divorced was a way I thought I would be able to protect myself from being shocked with another show of amoral behavior. I think of it as a form of damage control. (i.e., we'll get divorced and there will be a final dollar amount and that will be it. I'll be done with his financial surprises for life.) NOT SO!!! The tried and true Thatcher Sucker Punch from the Grave was looming. Ahhhhhh....what I have discovered is, once again, something I never would have thought up myself. But it's brilliant.
I knew that Bill had written a new last will and testament sometime during the summer. It has just come to my attention that Bill not only wrote a will but completely cut Laura out. That's right ---- nothing for his only child. Because she was angry with him and didn't want to meet with him and his 'people' this summer. His 'people' it turns out, were his friend, David, and David's friend, Dan. David works for the DA's office. His employment contract states unequivocably that he cannot practice law or even give legal advice if it's not district attorney business. I believe he has been giving Bill legal advice. However, he could not write a will. Not even if the will was going to be tucked away in some folder waiting for death. That's where Dan comes in. Dan has, through the years, traveled through many jobs and finally went to law school. He passed the Bar and now makes a bundle as an attorney somewhere impressive. Dan wrote the will. David is Bill's heir. If David is deceased when Bill passes, then Dan will be Bill's heir. If Dan and David are both gone before Bill, then David's daughter gets everything.
There are several reasons why this is wrong and disgusting. For starters, and most importantly, Laura is completely left out. I have discovered that this is an old Thatcher family tradition: they cut close family members out of their wills as a final sucker punch from the grave. When Laura found out about this, she asked that I not be told. She didn't want me to worry about it. She wanted to take care of this herself. How sad did she feel when she learned this? I don't know. She understands her dad and his disease pretty well. Can she get him to change it? I don't know.
Apparently, he said if it weren't for David he would be dead. David gave him money when I wouldn't. David bailed him out. Bill's lucky to have David. If Bill were naming David as his heir when he has terminal cancer, David could look forward to inheriting-----what? So here's where it gets dicey for me: If Bill were to die and the divorce wasn't final and Laura were his heir, then Laura would just tell me to forget about the final property settlement and the dispersing of funds. If Bill dies and the divorce isn't final and David is his heir, David would force me to finalize the property settlement and give all to which Bill would have been entitled to him. If I try to ignore or stonewall him, he and Dan will make motion after motion in courts until I cough up the money. It's brilliant. Dan will help David for free; they've been friends for 35 years. They can literally bury me in legal work and, consequently, legal fees. If Bill dies and the divorce has been finalized and Laura is his heir, then all the belongings, cars, etc., would revert back to her (I realllllyyyy miss that Acura....) If Bill dies and the divorce is final and David is his heir, all the belongings then become David's. (And amongst other things, the Acura would then be David's....) By setting David as his heir, Bill is thus ensuring that I will never recoup anything I give him in this divorce settlement. Notice how I didn't say anything about money after the divorce is final and Bill passes? Right! Because once funds, actual dollars, are transferred from me to Bill, they will vanish in the blink of an eye. Only if he passes before the divorce is final will there be any money involved in the inheritance.
A final sucker punch from the grave, the Quintessential Bill.
Getting divorced was a way I thought I would be able to protect myself from being shocked with another show of amoral behavior. I think of it as a form of damage control. (i.e., we'll get divorced and there will be a final dollar amount and that will be it. I'll be done with his financial surprises for life.) NOT SO!!! The tried and true Thatcher Sucker Punch from the Grave was looming. Ahhhhhh....what I have discovered is, once again, something I never would have thought up myself. But it's brilliant.
I knew that Bill had written a new last will and testament sometime during the summer. It has just come to my attention that Bill not only wrote a will but completely cut Laura out. That's right ---- nothing for his only child. Because she was angry with him and didn't want to meet with him and his 'people' this summer. His 'people' it turns out, were his friend, David, and David's friend, Dan. David works for the DA's office. His employment contract states unequivocably that he cannot practice law or even give legal advice if it's not district attorney business. I believe he has been giving Bill legal advice. However, he could not write a will. Not even if the will was going to be tucked away in some folder waiting for death. That's where Dan comes in. Dan has, through the years, traveled through many jobs and finally went to law school. He passed the Bar and now makes a bundle as an attorney somewhere impressive. Dan wrote the will. David is Bill's heir. If David is deceased when Bill passes, then Dan will be Bill's heir. If Dan and David are both gone before Bill, then David's daughter gets everything.
There are several reasons why this is wrong and disgusting. For starters, and most importantly, Laura is completely left out. I have discovered that this is an old Thatcher family tradition: they cut close family members out of their wills as a final sucker punch from the grave. When Laura found out about this, she asked that I not be told. She didn't want me to worry about it. She wanted to take care of this herself. How sad did she feel when she learned this? I don't know. She understands her dad and his disease pretty well. Can she get him to change it? I don't know.
Apparently, he said if it weren't for David he would be dead. David gave him money when I wouldn't. David bailed him out. Bill's lucky to have David. If Bill were naming David as his heir when he has terminal cancer, David could look forward to inheriting-----what? So here's where it gets dicey for me: If Bill were to die and the divorce wasn't final and Laura were his heir, then Laura would just tell me to forget about the final property settlement and the dispersing of funds. If Bill dies and the divorce isn't final and David is his heir, David would force me to finalize the property settlement and give all to which Bill would have been entitled to him. If I try to ignore or stonewall him, he and Dan will make motion after motion in courts until I cough up the money. It's brilliant. Dan will help David for free; they've been friends for 35 years. They can literally bury me in legal work and, consequently, legal fees. If Bill dies and the divorce has been finalized and Laura is his heir, then all the belongings, cars, etc., would revert back to her (I realllllyyyy miss that Acura....) If Bill dies and the divorce is final and David is his heir, all the belongings then become David's. (And amongst other things, the Acura would then be David's....) By setting David as his heir, Bill is thus ensuring that I will never recoup anything I give him in this divorce settlement. Notice how I didn't say anything about money after the divorce is final and Bill passes? Right! Because once funds, actual dollars, are transferred from me to Bill, they will vanish in the blink of an eye. Only if he passes before the divorce is final will there be any money involved in the inheritance.
A final sucker punch from the grave, the Quintessential Bill.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Examining Marriages: R & B
Several months ago I was talking with a friend about marriages. Do you know any happy marriages? I asked. Because I don't. My friend rattled off several. Hmmmmm.....this has been living in the back of my mind since that conversation. I keep looking at people I know. I have come up with a few. Two of my close friends who are widows had two of the happiest marriages I knew, and their husbands both died relatively young. One was 56 and the other was 68. But I know some people whose marriages are happy, I think. It seems that the more I scratch the surface with most marriages, I see unhappiness. I have made a concerted effort not to write off a marriage if there is some unhappiness, but I'm pretty picky in this area. A little happiness, an occasional disagreement are part of life and part of all relationships. I have decided I will not write off a marriage on account of a little discord.
#1 R & B:
R & B got married when R was 20 and B was 22. He was a substitute teacher and a lifeguard who was about to start pharmacy school. She was just graduating from college. Her father was not happy. He thought B was a flake. R isn't smiling in the picture of her walking down the aisle with her father in her wedding album because at the top of the aisle her father had told her it still wasn't too late to back out. He had even offered to send her to Europe with a friend for the summer. Right there. Right when he was about to walk her down the aisle.
B dropped out of pharmacy school. He changed his mind. He substituted and then decided to go to dental school. He took R to Chicago for it and they came back when he graduated. He became a brilliant dentist, a children's dentist no less. He had a big practice in Westwood and now teaches at the university dental school. R finished her credential and became a teacher. She put B through dental school. They had two sons.
The wonderful thing I see in their marriage is that they think the world of each other. I worked with R for a long time. Although she is gifted with kids, she was flighty, stubborn, and at times uncooperative with staff. I soon learned that R is an interpersonal kind of person. Work is not her priority. Her friends and family are. I consider myself very fortunate to be one of her friends. But my co-workers could be slightly rude and disrespectful of her. It's tough when someone doesn't want to play along, and R could be that way. She was nice about it but she had her limits. Once I had a birthday party, and R & B came. One of the other teachers who was there made this great observation. She said, "You get a whole new appreciation for R when you see her through B's eyes." Their devotion to each other is remarkable. He talks about her in the most loving and respectful terms. He loves who she is. He even loves her when she gets flighty and anxious. Since you don't know what a good wife, mother, friend and family member she is when you're working with her, it takes time with B for you to get a window into R's world outside of work.
R & B have had their crosses to bear. They have cared for aging parents, both his and hers. Their son lost an eye in an unfortunate encounter with a fork at a Greek restaurant. B's sister is a princess with a huge sense of entitlement. She came to visit them and squatted for nine months. She's an attorney in several states but for some reason has no job and has not saved for retirement, which is quite a feat considering that all of her work has been with DA's and PD offices where witholdings for retirement are mandatory. R & B would tell her she needed to look for a job and she would say that, no, what she needed was another yoga class. They even got health insurance for her. The squatting dragged on and on until R & B had to throw her out. Then when B's mother died, she sued R & B----because she's a lawyer, I guess. B started riding bicycles about 15 years ago and has had two terrible falls, one resulting in a multi-fractured tibia (complete with steel rods) and the other ending with a broken hip. But through all of these times, R & B have been of one mind. It's refreshing to know that trials didn't separate them, they more likely united them. Bill and I didn't do crises well. Only illnesses. We did illnesses well. I took great care of him when he was ill; he was a super nurse for me when I was ill. Beyond that, the other crises usually pulled us apart.
After 41 years of marriage, R & B are still going strong. Nothing is going to tear them apart, not even if R found out that B still smokes.
#1 R & B:
R & B got married when R was 20 and B was 22. He was a substitute teacher and a lifeguard who was about to start pharmacy school. She was just graduating from college. Her father was not happy. He thought B was a flake. R isn't smiling in the picture of her walking down the aisle with her father in her wedding album because at the top of the aisle her father had told her it still wasn't too late to back out. He had even offered to send her to Europe with a friend for the summer. Right there. Right when he was about to walk her down the aisle.
B dropped out of pharmacy school. He changed his mind. He substituted and then decided to go to dental school. He took R to Chicago for it and they came back when he graduated. He became a brilliant dentist, a children's dentist no less. He had a big practice in Westwood and now teaches at the university dental school. R finished her credential and became a teacher. She put B through dental school. They had two sons.
The wonderful thing I see in their marriage is that they think the world of each other. I worked with R for a long time. Although she is gifted with kids, she was flighty, stubborn, and at times uncooperative with staff. I soon learned that R is an interpersonal kind of person. Work is not her priority. Her friends and family are. I consider myself very fortunate to be one of her friends. But my co-workers could be slightly rude and disrespectful of her. It's tough when someone doesn't want to play along, and R could be that way. She was nice about it but she had her limits. Once I had a birthday party, and R & B came. One of the other teachers who was there made this great observation. She said, "You get a whole new appreciation for R when you see her through B's eyes." Their devotion to each other is remarkable. He talks about her in the most loving and respectful terms. He loves who she is. He even loves her when she gets flighty and anxious. Since you don't know what a good wife, mother, friend and family member she is when you're working with her, it takes time with B for you to get a window into R's world outside of work.
R & B have had their crosses to bear. They have cared for aging parents, both his and hers. Their son lost an eye in an unfortunate encounter with a fork at a Greek restaurant. B's sister is a princess with a huge sense of entitlement. She came to visit them and squatted for nine months. She's an attorney in several states but for some reason has no job and has not saved for retirement, which is quite a feat considering that all of her work has been with DA's and PD offices where witholdings for retirement are mandatory. R & B would tell her she needed to look for a job and she would say that, no, what she needed was another yoga class. They even got health insurance for her. The squatting dragged on and on until R & B had to throw her out. Then when B's mother died, she sued R & B----because she's a lawyer, I guess. B started riding bicycles about 15 years ago and has had two terrible falls, one resulting in a multi-fractured tibia (complete with steel rods) and the other ending with a broken hip. But through all of these times, R & B have been of one mind. It's refreshing to know that trials didn't separate them, they more likely united them. Bill and I didn't do crises well. Only illnesses. We did illnesses well. I took great care of him when he was ill; he was a super nurse for me when I was ill. Beyond that, the other crises usually pulled us apart.
After 41 years of marriage, R & B are still going strong. Nothing is going to tear them apart, not even if R found out that B still smokes.
Loneliness
The kids went away this weekend. They had invited me but I had progress reports to do and I wanted to do some things around the house. I have always loved being by myself.
But this weekend, for some reason, it was too quiet. It was too still. It was too lacking in human interaction. For the first time, I got blindsided by loneliness. I have to say the loneliness is something I fear. Honestly. I think it's crazy but it is, nontheless, true. I have to start admitting this. Perhaps it will help me confront it. How can a person who loves being by herself be afraid of loneliness? What do I normally do to divert it that I didn't do this weekend? I'm at a loss to understand it.
When loneliness attacks, it feels like time is standing still. Moments feel like eternities. It feels like the world has stopped turning. It feels like everything is devoid of sound. I get sad. I even cry. I want to reach out to someone. I can go out with a friend but when I come home the loneliness is there waiting for me. My uninvited house guest. How long will you be staying? We haven't seen each other in such a long time. I was hoping to get through this divorce without a visit from you.
But this weekend, for some reason, it was too quiet. It was too still. It was too lacking in human interaction. For the first time, I got blindsided by loneliness. I have to say the loneliness is something I fear. Honestly. I think it's crazy but it is, nontheless, true. I have to start admitting this. Perhaps it will help me confront it. How can a person who loves being by herself be afraid of loneliness? What do I normally do to divert it that I didn't do this weekend? I'm at a loss to understand it.
When loneliness attacks, it feels like time is standing still. Moments feel like eternities. It feels like the world has stopped turning. It feels like everything is devoid of sound. I get sad. I even cry. I want to reach out to someone. I can go out with a friend but when I come home the loneliness is there waiting for me. My uninvited house guest. How long will you be staying? We haven't seen each other in such a long time. I was hoping to get through this divorce without a visit from you.
A Final Dad
When Bill locked me out of the house, Carmi and I managed to hide it from Dad. It was near the end of the school year which tends to be quite busy. Carmi would tell Dad I had an early breakfast meeting, or a concert or meeting at night. Dad understood but was not really too comfortable with it. On the third day, when the judge had ordered Bill out of the house by 6:00 p.m., I was able to return.
As Bill was leaving, Dad was getting up from a nap. Bill told him goodbye and that he might not ever see him again. At least he wasn't rude. I then told Dad about the divorce and how the judge had made his decision based largely on keeping Dad safe. I thought that things would be better with Bill gone.
At first it was pleasant. We could keep the door open between the front and back of the house. We ate dinner together. There was a release of tension. But in time, Dad started making plays for control. I found myself having to make boundaries with him. I had to make sure I didn't budge on tidiness and the constant conversations about what's for dinner and who's going to be there. Comments about weight, people's driving, lights being left on --- and the like,--- were soon back in full force. Not only is Dad a critical person by nature but I think his mind is starting to play tricks on him. He assigns meanings to situations and people's behaviors that are patently untrue. It seems a struggle I will have for as long as he lives. And I don't know how long that will be.
Ten days ago I came home from work in a very good mood. I had had a long phone conversation with a friend, and I was feeling light-hearted and happy. Dinner was very pleasant. Afterward Dad asked me if we could talk. We had the best talk we had had in about two years. I thought maybe we had turned around and were going to return to the relationship we had had in the past. That lasted about a week.
I now must make peace with the fact that my relationship with Dad is not going to change. It's going to be filled with criticisms and, in the cases where he doesn't like my answers, he will recycle those topics. My sister says maybe I should write down our topics of discussion in a notebook for him to review during the week. And maybe he can just look in it when he wants to talk about something. It might save me some serious grief.
As Bill was leaving, Dad was getting up from a nap. Bill told him goodbye and that he might not ever see him again. At least he wasn't rude. I then told Dad about the divorce and how the judge had made his decision based largely on keeping Dad safe. I thought that things would be better with Bill gone.
At first it was pleasant. We could keep the door open between the front and back of the house. We ate dinner together. There was a release of tension. But in time, Dad started making plays for control. I found myself having to make boundaries with him. I had to make sure I didn't budge on tidiness and the constant conversations about what's for dinner and who's going to be there. Comments about weight, people's driving, lights being left on --- and the like,--- were soon back in full force. Not only is Dad a critical person by nature but I think his mind is starting to play tricks on him. He assigns meanings to situations and people's behaviors that are patently untrue. It seems a struggle I will have for as long as he lives. And I don't know how long that will be.
Ten days ago I came home from work in a very good mood. I had had a long phone conversation with a friend, and I was feeling light-hearted and happy. Dinner was very pleasant. Afterward Dad asked me if we could talk. We had the best talk we had had in about two years. I thought maybe we had turned around and were going to return to the relationship we had had in the past. That lasted about a week.
I now must make peace with the fact that my relationship with Dad is not going to change. It's going to be filled with criticisms and, in the cases where he doesn't like my answers, he will recycle those topics. My sister says maybe I should write down our topics of discussion in a notebook for him to review during the week. And maybe he can just look in it when he wants to talk about something. It might save me some serious grief.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Dad (continued some more)
Now to me it was a surprise to see how critical my dad had become as he recovered from his illnesses. To others, such as my sister, it was no surprise at all. I, apparently, was so used to deflecting Bill's critical nature that I used the same deflection when Dad was negative or critical. Living with him made it tough for me to deflect. It was too apparent. I couldn't deflect and ignore like I had always done. The nosiness, the criticisms, the constant judging, couldn't be wished away. Maybe I had created a wishful and false reality that the men in my life were kind and looked at the glass as half full.
Soon Bill and I were having date nights. Then we got into bike riding. We were finding ways to avoid Dad. Dinner with him got to be uncomfortable. It was like walking on eggshells. When was the next snarky comment coming? Who was eating too fast? Who was eating too much? Sitting at the table with him had become unpleasant. Date nights with Bill were very fun. As we got more and more into bike riding, we took longer and longer rides. We started going to dinner in Hermosa Beach, eating on the glassed-in rooftop at Hennessey's or in the cantina on the promenade.
During the summer we took extended trips to San Diego where the bike paths go on and on. The beaches are warmer, the water is cleaner, the traffic is lighter. We had a couple of good trips there. It was a way of avoiding Dad and a way of getting a vacation. Bill was more sensitive to Dad's criticism than I. He saw, I think, qualities in Dad that he disliked in himself. He was projecting. Again. He's the best 'projectionist' I know. How he could be so highly reactive to a quality he has in spades is beyond me. He reacts strongly. It isn't fair when he's that way himself. But he does it nonetheless.
When I went to my high school reunion in September of 09, things took a turn for the worse. First of all, Bill was vomiting. At first we thought he had the flu. Then we thought he'd had some bad food. He was not well. A friend of his was sitting on the porch waiting for him to come home from a photography class. Dad was there too. Dad started in on how Bill is always late and a host of other criticisms. Well, when Bill got home the friend was quick to tell him all that Dad had said. That was IT!! Bill called me and told me. He was beyond pissed. He was irate. Things went south from there. When I got home from the reunion, Bill was livid. He wanted Dad OUT! He came to my classroom at lunch soon after and told me he either wanted my dad to pay $6000 a month to live at our home or he wanted him to move out. We had a primary disagreement about how you treat someone after you sell all their furnishings and personal possessions and move them into your home. In my mind, you don't then kick that person out. You try to work it out. In Bill's mind, if he deemed their behavior inappropriate, it was enough to oust them. It never mattered how horrible, I mean HORRIBLE, Bill behaved. His behavior, for some reason, was not only excusable but not open for discussion. The rules for Bill were (and still are) different and more forgiving than those for the rest of us.
A few days later Bill wanted to buy a $3300 camera. He said he wanted me to give him the money for it and it would be an 'investment', a 'business venture' for me. He was going to make some money in photography. Yeah, right. I said no. I mean really no. No no no and no, he couldn't charge it on my credit card either. "Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks," he said. "No," I said. I went to work and he charged the camera to my credit card. And I never would have found out if I hadn't checked my credit card the next day. I tried to stop the charge but they had already put it through.
When the camera arrived, I told Bill to return it. He told me he didn't want to and if I wanted to I would need to do it myself. Also, I would have to absorb a 10% restocking fee. $330 down the tubes.
So where in the world does a person think charging things to their spouse's credit card when they expressly said 'no', is a good idea? Does ANYBODY think this is a good idea? Really? REALLY???? I am ashamed to admit how many times that happened in my marriage to Bill. He never thought that was a had idea. Never. In Bill's world, he has no bad ideas.
I sent the camera back, took the restocking loss, and tried to address the issue of my dad. Bill had insisted on Dad not dining with us. In fact, he didn't want to have any contact with Dad at all. There was a part of me that understood that. But the part of me that didn't understand it was much larger. How could Bill, who didn't work, didn't manage money, didn't clean, didn't do much to help, be so unkind to my dad, the person who had set up a college fund for his child, bailed us out whenever we were in a financial pinch, always encouraged me, been so generous with us? Oh, well. It makes sense now.
Shortly after I sent the camera back to New York, Bill was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This was tragic. We were shocked. It explained the vomiting and the inability to digest, but it gave Bill ----or so he thought----license to do and demand whatever he wanted. Having a deadly form of cancer was supposed to trump anyone else's wishes. At first, I really went along with it. Then, like typical Bill, he started to run away with it. And then I had to find a way to hit the brakes.
But this is about Dad. The criticism went on. Even after Bill left, Dad was still critical. Somehow he thinks being critical is a way of endearing himself to someone. After Bill was ordered out of the house, several friends came to dinner. After each one left, he would say, "I didn't think she would ever stop talking! I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I finally got up and left the room." Apparently, there is some planet where this is a good conversation starter. Hmmmmmm....it happened after EVERY ONE of my friends left. Geeezzzzz.....When my friends come over we talk. We talk and talk. There are no awkward silences. I like it. I look forward to it. When I think of having dinner with my friends, I think of the joy I get from talking with them. I finally told Dad that really upset me. He may have eventually gotten the message. I'm not sure.
Soon Bill and I were having date nights. Then we got into bike riding. We were finding ways to avoid Dad. Dinner with him got to be uncomfortable. It was like walking on eggshells. When was the next snarky comment coming? Who was eating too fast? Who was eating too much? Sitting at the table with him had become unpleasant. Date nights with Bill were very fun. As we got more and more into bike riding, we took longer and longer rides. We started going to dinner in Hermosa Beach, eating on the glassed-in rooftop at Hennessey's or in the cantina on the promenade.
During the summer we took extended trips to San Diego where the bike paths go on and on. The beaches are warmer, the water is cleaner, the traffic is lighter. We had a couple of good trips there. It was a way of avoiding Dad and a way of getting a vacation. Bill was more sensitive to Dad's criticism than I. He saw, I think, qualities in Dad that he disliked in himself. He was projecting. Again. He's the best 'projectionist' I know. How he could be so highly reactive to a quality he has in spades is beyond me. He reacts strongly. It isn't fair when he's that way himself. But he does it nonetheless.
When I went to my high school reunion in September of 09, things took a turn for the worse. First of all, Bill was vomiting. At first we thought he had the flu. Then we thought he'd had some bad food. He was not well. A friend of his was sitting on the porch waiting for him to come home from a photography class. Dad was there too. Dad started in on how Bill is always late and a host of other criticisms. Well, when Bill got home the friend was quick to tell him all that Dad had said. That was IT!! Bill called me and told me. He was beyond pissed. He was irate. Things went south from there. When I got home from the reunion, Bill was livid. He wanted Dad OUT! He came to my classroom at lunch soon after and told me he either wanted my dad to pay $6000 a month to live at our home or he wanted him to move out. We had a primary disagreement about how you treat someone after you sell all their furnishings and personal possessions and move them into your home. In my mind, you don't then kick that person out. You try to work it out. In Bill's mind, if he deemed their behavior inappropriate, it was enough to oust them. It never mattered how horrible, I mean HORRIBLE, Bill behaved. His behavior, for some reason, was not only excusable but not open for discussion. The rules for Bill were (and still are) different and more forgiving than those for the rest of us.
A few days later Bill wanted to buy a $3300 camera. He said he wanted me to give him the money for it and it would be an 'investment', a 'business venture' for me. He was going to make some money in photography. Yeah, right. I said no. I mean really no. No no no and no, he couldn't charge it on my credit card either. "Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks," he said. "No," I said. I went to work and he charged the camera to my credit card. And I never would have found out if I hadn't checked my credit card the next day. I tried to stop the charge but they had already put it through.
When the camera arrived, I told Bill to return it. He told me he didn't want to and if I wanted to I would need to do it myself. Also, I would have to absorb a 10% restocking fee. $330 down the tubes.
So where in the world does a person think charging things to their spouse's credit card when they expressly said 'no', is a good idea? Does ANYBODY think this is a good idea? Really? REALLY???? I am ashamed to admit how many times that happened in my marriage to Bill. He never thought that was a had idea. Never. In Bill's world, he has no bad ideas.
I sent the camera back, took the restocking loss, and tried to address the issue of my dad. Bill had insisted on Dad not dining with us. In fact, he didn't want to have any contact with Dad at all. There was a part of me that understood that. But the part of me that didn't understand it was much larger. How could Bill, who didn't work, didn't manage money, didn't clean, didn't do much to help, be so unkind to my dad, the person who had set up a college fund for his child, bailed us out whenever we were in a financial pinch, always encouraged me, been so generous with us? Oh, well. It makes sense now.
Shortly after I sent the camera back to New York, Bill was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This was tragic. We were shocked. It explained the vomiting and the inability to digest, but it gave Bill ----or so he thought----license to do and demand whatever he wanted. Having a deadly form of cancer was supposed to trump anyone else's wishes. At first, I really went along with it. Then, like typical Bill, he started to run away with it. And then I had to find a way to hit the brakes.
But this is about Dad. The criticism went on. Even after Bill left, Dad was still critical. Somehow he thinks being critical is a way of endearing himself to someone. After Bill was ordered out of the house, several friends came to dinner. After each one left, he would say, "I didn't think she would ever stop talking! I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I finally got up and left the room." Apparently, there is some planet where this is a good conversation starter. Hmmmmmm....it happened after EVERY ONE of my friends left. Geeezzzzz.....When my friends come over we talk. We talk and talk. There are no awkward silences. I like it. I look forward to it. When I think of having dinner with my friends, I think of the joy I get from talking with them. I finally told Dad that really upset me. He may have eventually gotten the message. I'm not sure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)