The kids went away this weekend. They had invited me but I had progress reports to do and I wanted to do some things around the house. I have always loved being by myself.
But this weekend, for some reason, it was too quiet. It was too still. It was too lacking in human interaction. For the first time, I got blindsided by loneliness. I have to say the loneliness is something I fear. Honestly. I think it's crazy but it is, nontheless, true. I have to start admitting this. Perhaps it will help me confront it. How can a person who loves being by herself be afraid of loneliness? What do I normally do to divert it that I didn't do this weekend? I'm at a loss to understand it.
When loneliness attacks, it feels like time is standing still. Moments feel like eternities. It feels like the world has stopped turning. It feels like everything is devoid of sound. I get sad. I even cry. I want to reach out to someone. I can go out with a friend but when I come home the loneliness is there waiting for me. My uninvited house guest. How long will you be staying? We haven't seen each other in such a long time. I was hoping to get through this divorce without a visit from you.
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