A Final Dad

When Bill locked me out of the house, Carmi and I managed to hide it from Dad. It was near the end of the school year which tends to be quite busy. Carmi would tell Dad I had an early breakfast meeting, or a concert or meeting at night. Dad understood but was not really too comfortable with it. On the third day, when the judge had ordered Bill out of the house by 6:00 p.m., I was able to return.

As Bill was leaving, Dad was getting up from a nap. Bill told him goodbye and that he might not ever see him again. At least he wasn't rude. I then told Dad about the divorce and how the judge had made his decision based largely on keeping Dad safe. I thought that things would be better with Bill gone.


At first it was pleasant. We could keep the door open between the front and back of the house. We ate dinner together. There was a release of tension. But in time, Dad started making plays for control. I found myself having to make boundaries with him. I had to make sure I didn't budge on tidiness and the constant conversations about what's for dinner and who's going to be there. Comments about weight, people's driving, lights being left on --- and the like,--- were soon back in full force. Not only is Dad a critical person by nature but I think his mind is starting to play tricks on him. He assigns meanings to situations and people's behaviors that are patently untrue. It seems a struggle I will have for as long as he lives. And I don't know how long that will be.

Ten days ago I came home from work in a very good mood. I had had a long phone conversation with a friend, and I was feeling light-hearted and happy. Dinner was very pleasant. Afterward Dad asked me if we could talk. We had the best talk we had had in about two years. I thought maybe we had turned around and were going to return to the relationship we had had in the past. That lasted about a week.

I now must make peace with the fact that my relationship with Dad is not going to change. It's going to be filled with criticisms and, in the cases where he doesn't like my answers, he will recycle those topics. My sister says maybe I should write down our topics of discussion in a notebook for him to review during the week. And maybe he can just look in it when he wants to talk about something. It might save me some serious grief.