The beauty of this June is that I don't have to deal with Bill. I am free. I can come and go as I please, and I like that. I have finished my progress reports and turned them into the principal. He ok'd them and now I have not only printed them out but one copy is already in the progress report envelopes and another is in the cum folders. Wow! I have cleaned out most of the cupboards in my enormous classroom as well. I feel like I'm ahead this year. But ya never know.....
Bill wants $4000 a month in spousal support now. He alleges that my dad should be paying $2000 to live in the house. He also claims that Laura and Kyle are paying me rent. (Really???) He wants $2000 for legal fees and he insists that I either put him back on my dental insurance or I pay him $3000 for dental work he needs to have done. But the best, the winner, the deal-breaker, is that he wants Laura removed as the beneficiary of my life insurance policy ($500,000) and himself put on. So, these things are crazy. I know enough about the legal system to feel reasonably sure he won't get most of these demands. The only one I think he might get granted is the $2000 to pay his lawyer. I am shocked again at the temerity of these demands. The writing sounds like Bill. His attorney didn't write it, I'm pretty sure. He wrote it up himself, had his attorney's partner sign it, then took it to the courthouse and got the June 28 hearing date. I'm sure he played the cancer card at every turn. I think it's why he got such an early hearing date. My attorney says you usually can't get a date within the next sixty days.
I sent my response to my attorney. Do I have to fill out another Income and Expenses report? I haven't heard back from him yet. I know that one time you can't change the beneficiary on a life insurance policy is when you're in the throes of a divorce, I checked my policy paperwork, and I had put Laura on as my beneficiary six years ago for sure, maybe longer. My dad has only his bedroom as private space in the house. He shares all the other spaces, including his bathroom, he buys his own food, and his caregiver expenses are very high. In fact, when his Keogh IRA runs out next month, he'll be running deeply in the red and we'll be drawing from his savings to the tune of several thousand dollars a month. Bill asked to be taken off my benefits; I only signed what he asked for. If he needs dental insurance, he should have specifically asked to stay on that. And the kids don't pay me rent. I wish they did.
I am emotionally damaged from this marriage. I have felt that I'll bounce back in time, but I have my doubts now. I still seem to be so shut down, so emotionally unavailable romantically, and there seems to be no end in sight. I need to get off the online dating site I joined because they focus on relationships. I must admit that I don't want a relationship now. It is something that goes against the way I was raised by my mom, and I still feel the dissonance. This sensation is annoying. On the one hand I was raised to crave and strive for relationships. On the other hand I feel I have made bad choices---maybe even engaged in behaviors that were counter-productive to relationships. I don't know-----and am now in a place where I have shut down emotionally and don't want a relationship. That's sad. I'm usually a passionate and highly engaging person in a relationship. Will I ever be ready to go for that again?
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