June Again

Bill knows this is the busiest time of year for me. It's June, school is about to close, I have to write progress reports, attend year-end functions, close up the classroom, fill out tons of paperwork, get ready for summer school, etc. It's horrendously busy right now. As was the case last June, he is dragging me back into court on his trumped-up perceived needs. And this time he's probably doing a little bit of lying too. Last year at this time he did a LOT of lying. I don't think he's so crazy right now. He is asking for increased spousal support, attorney's fees, dental insurance and God knows what else. So I will be back in court on June 28 to deal with these issues. There is a new judge who I haven't met. My attorney says he's old-fashioned. But can he see Bill's baloney? Will he be able to cut through the cancer-patient bull to see the lazy, opportunistic, compulsive gambler? Will I look like a sympathetic person to him like I did to the other judge? Will Bill's contention that I took him off my dental care get the judge to force me to cover him again? I've already spoken with the health benefits coordinator at the district office and I can't get him back on my policy. I'd have to take out a separate private policy for him. It could be a hardship for me to pay for that AND the $2500 a month I currently pay in spousal support. This is me and the legal system: I don't 'get' it. It's foreign to me.

I know that Bill's moving (again!) and that he's starting to feel better. That means he has energy to gamble again and his bank account can't handle that particular extra-curricular activity. So, go for the goose that lays the golden eggs, deep pockets,--- or lots of credit cards, to be more accurate.

Court makes me physically ill. The thought of going back upsets me and I want to somehow avoid it. How can people feel comfortable there? How the heck do they pay for all the attorneys' fees and spousal support? Why is this happening to me?

I also wonder how I'm going to give Bill his money if he is somehow granted more. I wonder how I'm going to pay him during the summer. I haven't saved as much as I needed while at the same time not spending very much. I don't know how I'm going to pull it off this summer. Forget taking a trip to celebrate my birthday! Forget even having a birthday party. I've got to pay a mortgage and bills----and all those credit cards I've run up.

Somehow over the past month or two, I've diminished my contacts with people and a sense of isolation and powerlessness is starting to creep in. I feel tired and don't want to exercise. I don't even want to ride my bike. I've taken a couple of walks. I need to walk or get on the bike every day because I know that if I sink into a 'funk', it will be hard for me to push myself to do even the tiniest amount of exercising

There is a possibility that I can get some money from the insurance policies I have for cancer and heart attacks. Bill's hospital stays and surgeries could possibly net me between $12,000 and $15,000. That would be an enormous help. It will have to be a summer project for me. They company stopped offering those policies because they turned out to be so costly for them so they do a little 'bait and switch'. Even though they say they will give a flat $300/day for every day you're in the hospital and $600/day for every day you're in intensive care or ICU, when I called them about it they said I needed to get a cost-per-day itemization from Kaiser. Funny, but that isn't what the policy says. It's going to be tough summer, I can tell right now.