That River in Egypt

In discussions with my counselor, denial seems to be popping up as a bad habit of mine. Maybe I have mistaken some issues as things to let slide when in fact they were issues I should have addressed or met head-on. This puts me in a quandary. In the moment that something happens, something that should be addressed, something I would find unacceptable, I tend ---or have tended----to blow it off. Why do I do that? And, now here's the hard part, why don't I recognize in the moment that this is not okay? I don't react in 'real time'. I don't see the ugly issue in the moment. I wonder if I am even capable of seeing the issue in the moment. And, if I am to change this behavior that has led me to this place in relationships where I am not happy, where I wake up one day to discover I am leading not only a life I don't want for myself, but have allowed another person to craft an existence for them but not for me, how do I do it? What's the first warning sign? How do I see it when it comes? And what's the proper reaction in the moment? What's that ladylike way that tells your husband his action or request is not okay without getting into a tiff? That's a good one. Food for thought.

My parents' generation --or maybe it was the subsection of society from which they came-- avoided confrontation at all costs. Yes, at all costs. They raised me to stuff it down, look the other way, let it go, not to react when unpleasantries jumped into my path. There was much shushing. Arguing, even disagreeing, was not okay. I learned to sidestep; I learned to pretend it wasn't there and to move on as if it had never happened. I now see this was not good. When I didn't tell one of my spouses that what they were doing was unacceptable, then I, in essence, told them their actions were okay. How were they to know I didn't like what they were saying or doing if I didn't tell them? I didn't tell them because I didn't want to argue or fight, and with Bill, I never knew what kind of passive/aggressive thing he would do next. If I confronted Bill and he was pissed, one of two things would happen: 1) he would disappear, usually to gamble or 2)he would 'reward' himself for my "bitchy" behavior by buying something on my credit card. And I have a lot of credit cards......living with someone who is passive/aggressive is a no-win situation. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has to endure that. And his definition of 'bitchy' was pretty all-encompassing. It was used to describe any behavior of mine that didn't please him. What an ass he was; what an idiot I was.

So back to the river. What is my first step? How do I go about this change where I name and claim the unacceptable in the moment? Good question. More will follow, I'm sure.