Wind in My Sails?

As I went to send a FB friend a birthday message this morning, I saw that she had sent me a message last fall. Her husband passed away suddenly three years ago. She is ahead of me on the grief trajectory. She had some sage advice for me. Had I seen this message before? Had I read it but not processed this information? What struck me this time were her words telling me to be patient with myself and not to worry if I felt like my life was a blank slate. Why am I having so much trouble being patient with myself? Is my history of going, doing and being productive so deeply ingrained in me that I am incapable of slowing down? Am I some kind of 'busyness' junkie? The quiet, the unscheduled hours, can be unnerving. Perhaps I will never be the old woman who sits in her house all day, putters in her yard and only uses her car to go to the grocery, or worse yet, to the grocery, church and doctors' appointments. I seriously doubtI will ever be that woman.It would have to happen as a result of physical inability. And although, sadly, that may happen, I won't give into it without a fight. Then I'll probably spend my time reading and watching TV. Now, however, I feel like I am spinning my wheels. And the HOUSE. Oh, heavens, THE HOUSE! There are rooms---yes, ROOMS!---I don't use. From being absolutely cramped for space as recently as six years ago, to having rooms I don't enter for days is such irony. This is unheard of in my past. And now I have plumbers and electricians and painters finding all sorts of things that are not in working order. News is being revealed to me that the remodel we finished five years ago was improperly wired and piped. The new heating and air conditioning system has opened up its own can of worms and the plumbing change I wanted to make to the guesthouse has resulted in the same. Today's treasure may be that the main line has a stoppage. NO! We had that last year---the day after the kids came home from the hospital with the baby. It can't be happening again. But in the midst of all that, I have this strange, uncomfortable feeling that I am a ship caught in the doldrums and can't catch a wind in any direction. There is a restlessness, a feeling of lack of purpose. I want to find a direction and get my life on some sort of course. This is all to say that I am temporarily feeling a lack of purpose, and that is not acceptable to me.