It's Time

It's been a long while since I've posted here. Some of this is a result of my feelings that I have put the divorce with Bill behind me, some because I have made several attempts at moving on, some because I've been busy, and some is avoidance behavior. What am I avoiding? The inevitable. My part. My culpability. My shortcomings. Although my life is radically changed from what it was when I started writing this blog; I am, in a myriad of ways, still the unrefined person I was then, more specifically, the woman who entered into two marriages that both turned out to be enormously disappointing to her. Still that same woman. I must take responsibility for my end of these epic failures. It is now time to try again to get inside that woman. I must figure out what I do that makes me end up being unhappy. It may be as simple as 'I don't look at enough qualities when I choose'. It could be, as my daughter once told me: "You have low standards, Mom." OUCH! It may be that I'm a malcontent---that is, once settled into a comfy marriage I, like countless other women, start looking at all the bad stuff, wanting more, always more. Nope. Sheesh, I was afraid to write that. I want so badly to hit the backspace key now. But as a good friend said (about themself) 'What's it like to be married to me?' I have been so afraid to investigate that. So terribly afraid. The hopeful me has so many lovely things to say about myself; the negative me becomes paralyzed at some of the thoughts that come slamming into my head. Those negative thoughts bring with them every criticism that has ever been launched at me, each of them bringing a little friend for backup. It's time to face these guys, but honestly, the task looks daunting.