Oh, Lord have mercy on me. Did I do something so horrible in my earlier years that I am being punished? I used to tell my sister that she was from a Mexican orphanage. I don't know what possessed a six-year-old to say that to her four-year-old sister. But once I saw her reaction to it, I couldn't let it go. I built on it. She tanned easily, had brown hair and dark eyes. I would embellish the story as the years went by. She would get sooooo upset. Am I paying for it now?
Dad rides again! He is transferring his hatred of Bill onto Kyle. And the tension returns to the household. If Kyle so much as questions Dad's behavior, Dad is all over him. And Dad, when he gets angry, is relentless now. He hasn't always been this way but I have seen this creep into his behavior over the years. He used to be that way only about strong and successful businesswomen. He had some choice names for them. I have watched this; these types of women are terribly threatening to Dad. I have sensed that they are just plain unacceptable to him. He has no room in his brain to accommodate them. After all, he is a misogynist underneath it all. When men come into our household, Dad's first reaction is to go to them whenever he needs help. Through the years he has developed a pattern of building people up and then expecting them to let him have his subtle control over them. I saw this in his relationship with Bill and now with Kyle. At first he thinks they're wonderful; he's so grateful for all they do. But then, in time, he sees that they are strong personalities, alpha dogs. And suddenly it's no longer working for him. He turns on them. There isn't enough he can criticize. And I become the recipient of all his vitriol.
On Saturday Dad was trying to get the relief caregiver to fetch his wine at 3:30 instead of the regular 5:00. The caregiver was gently protesting and Kyle heard Dad tell him to do what he says because that's why he pays him. Oh! Uncomfortable for the caregiver.....Kyle asked Dad if he was supposed to be drinking so early in the day. Kyle's voice is very strong and he doesn't kowtow to Dad. Dad got livid.
On Sunday Dad tried to tell me about it. He thought he'd just have a glass of wine. He thought it would help him sleep. He's 90 years old, why not? Who is Kyle, a 23-year-old to tell him, a 90-year-old what he can and cannot do? He was treating Dad like a naughty little boy. I told Dad that was 'inference'. Kyle wasn't 'saying' he's a naughty boy, Dad's mind was assigning that meaning to Kyle's words via inference. Dad didn't quite get my definition of inference. He doesn't like Kyle butting into his business. Well, he was treating me like a naughty boy. That's inference, Dad. All he asked was a question, 'is it a good idea to be drinking at 3:30 in the afternoon?' Wine has never helped you sleep. Never. It just messes with your balance and with your thinking.
More of same today. Carmi, the regular caregiver, was on a business call with her brother---long distance. Dad kept carping at her to get off the phone. She doesn't do that very often. But he wasn't going to have it today. It was upsetting Carmi. Kyle started speaking to Carmi,asking her if she was all right, when Dad came into the kitchen and told him to get out of his business.
What does this mean? Is Dad now going to become mean and demanding? My sister says that no matter where Dad lives, he's going to make the environment toxic. How right is she? In my childhood, when my parents were married, my dad was mean. He couldn't force something nice to come out of his mouth. My mom knew she could never do anything to gain his approval. I don't know what his memories of that time are, but mine are clear. He was unhappy, he didn't like the life he had made, and when he was at home, no one could please him. Is he reverting back to that person again? Will he try to chase Kyle out of the house now? Kyle is very uncomfortable at the dinner table now. I can feel the tension. He and Dad don't speak to each other. They avoid making eye contact. Kyle holds his head low while he eats. Is what happened with Dad and Bill going to happen with Dad and Kyle now? If so, what can I do to avoid it? I don't want Kyle and Laura to move out. They're great kids and they work hard to do the right thing. Is Kyle misguided in stepping into Dad's business? At what point will Kyle say enough is enough, I'm outta here?
And this brings up another matter: Is there going to be a point where Dad is so mean or so disagreeable that I will want to put him in a rest home? Could it possibly get that bad?
And now for the nagging question: Was Bill right about my dad? Is my dad as big a jerk as Bill said? Is my dad as negative and toxic and destructive as Bill said? I didn't give Bill's comments too much credence. He had/has a way of driving his agenda so hard and so relentlessly that he is not above lying if it means he might get his way. It was a universal quality of Bill's. Lying, if it meant it would get you what you want, was absolutely fine. Somewhere in Bill's past, he developed a pattern of lying and absolving himself of any guilt if the lie got him the results he wanted. Big lies, little lies, harmless lies, white lies, lies of omission---all were totally okay if,in the end, Bill got what Bill wanted. So, did he LIE about my dad, or did he EXAGGERATE about my dad? I think I might be finding out it might be neither. It might just be a slight exaggeration. My dad might really be somewhat of the jerk Bill said he was.
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