As I reflect on 2011, I am awed by the enormity of changes it brought. It started with a great experience with family and local folk showing love and kindness as we celebrated and prayed-in the new year in Idaho. Laura became my classroom teaching assistant in January, and my classroom never ran so well. She is magical with children; they respond to and adore her. She gained the admiration of my co-workers and awed me with her abilities. She also started building a clientele for hair and babysitting. In March she had a burst ovarian cyst that required several trips to the emergency room. Then she had her wisdom teeth removed right after that. The amount of antibiotics she was given in these two events resulted in a pregnancy. She and Kyle were thrilled with that news but she miscarried after two months. Before I had a chance to have a little 'talk' with her about waiting for their lives to be a little more settled down before having children, she got pregnant again. This time by design. When next year wraps, I'll be a grandmother.
In the summer I celebrated my sixtieth birthday with many friends. I had hoped to take a trip but the reality of my time and finances didn't leave much room for that. I have not abandoned the idea of traveling. I certainly don't want to travel alone, and would like to find a travel partner. But I will travel again. There is no doubt in my mind. I am even intrigued by the idea of traveling for a reason, for a purpose or to do a certain job. Travel desires aside, I had a very nice dinner party with friends and even some family members to ring in the 60's. Let it not be said of me that I let the big 6-0 go by unnoticed.
Things at work actually improved for me this year, and I rejoice in that. I have administrators who are efficient, effective, conscientious and kind human beings. They are capable and supportive. The office is a sane place where parents, students, teachers and problems get handled appropriately. (That's a nice way of saying that our psycho assistant principal left and somebody really, really good took her place). I like the changes there, the office manager, the librarian, the new special support staff, and the STEM coordinator (a science teacher +++ other responsibilities). My newest crop of parents is amazing. They take care of business like no group I can remember in recent history. I have a strong group of six or seven students who have begun to read simple books and recognize large numbers. My new aide doesn't have a lot of Laura's strengths but he is good with the children and plays organized games with them at recess and at lunch. I can hear him coaching them in basketball when I'm working in the room during lunchtime, and he and the other school coaches take the kindergarten classes out for P.E. once a week. He's different but he's good.
My divorce dragged on and on. My attorney spent much of the year not getting me closer to a settlement. I am getting resentful about this. I gave a deposition at Bill's attorney's office and then, before Bill could give his depo, his attorney got rear-ended, had to have surgery, and eventually left his practice. In the meantime Bill got manicky again and filed an Order to Show Cause which is another way of telling me to prove why I shouldn't have to give him a lot more money per month. Bill hired a strange and unethical attorney, and I have been villainized in court. I am now pushing my attorney, in a not-too-subtle way, to get this all over. He is brilliant in the courtroom, absolutely awe-inspiring, and has a way of weaving words, testimonies and evidence into pure gold. But I have paid him too much money and need to both close this deal and move on with my life. Will I be able to afford to keep my house and pay off Bill? It is the question that occupies too much of my mental energy.
Laura, Kyle and Dad stayed here with me all year. Dad continued to be critical and eventually alienated Kyle, as he has managed to do with all alpha personalities who don't play his control game. He exhausted his retirement plan and is now into his savings. He continues to be quietly stubborn. As my first ex-husband asked me, "Do you expect him to change?" He's right about that. I guess I should not have that expectation. My ex also said, when I told him that I was surprised by how continually critical Dad is, that I had never really lived with Dad and that maybe Dad had always been that way. He said, "You were really only with your dad for a few days at a time. It might have been easy for him to be pleasant for a few days at a time when the real person was negative." I can remember times when Dad took us up to the ranch in Angwin and, how after a week or so, he would get pretty tough. Once I was made to wash all the dinner dishes because I hadn't adequately cleaned my knife and the sink area at lunch that day. Lately, Dad's short-term memory has gone south and is starting to take his long-term memory with it, also in a critical way. He is losing it but, to his credit, he recognizes his propensity for criticism and wants, on some levels, not to do it any more. I just don't think he can at this point.
I got up-close and personal with my retirement system and am seriously considering retirement in June. I both look forward to and dread this possibility. I worry that I'll have too much time and too little money when I retire, that I might regret leaving, and that I might not be able to replace the teaching with anything I enjoy as much and that that will cause me to feel depressed. But I am hopeful retirement will suit me nicely. I will get to spend more time with my grandchild and won't have to hit the ground running five days a week. I do feel the pull to slow down a bit but the divorce might put me in a situation where I have to do some substitute teaching in orders to make ends meet.
I lost a co-worker and friend in July, on Carmi's birthday. It shook me more than I thought it would; sometimes her absence is acutely painful. Sometimes I miss her gutsy, in-your-face style. She was a good contrast to me at times.
One of my sisters got angry at the other. I tried to gently mediate and the offended sister said I didn't support her enough therefore deciding that my behavior had driven a wedge into our previously devoted relationship. I was trying to be a neutral party; it didn't work.
I fear I can't overcome the downward pull of so many things that have happened to me. I am now considering asking for medication to help me through these times. I have an appointment next month and inwardly hope I feel a lot better by then and am on the road to a better mental state of mind so that I don't have to start messing with meds. I have enough trouble dealing with meds to help me sleep; I don't want to throw something else into the mix.
My spiritual life is challenged. I don't feel like I have a church home now. The morning service is too dull and the evening service too unpredictable and, frankly, a little too young for me. I have continued with two Bible study groups this year and find they are the only places where I feel I am being spiritually educated. I have committed to reading a daily devotions book and a daily walk Bible for 2012, and I will somehow continue to look for a church service that gives me a feeling that my needs are being met. On top of that, I am angry with God. I think a person can still praise God and be angry with him at the same time. At least that's what I think is happening to me. I don't have the same undercurrent of secure faith I had a year ago, and it cuts into most of the other things in my life.
There are certain years I don't mind ushering out of existence and into the history books. 2011 is one of them.
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