Five Days

My family had a get-together at my sister's pool on Monday. It had been planned a couple of weeks ahead, before we knew Bill was so close to passing. I was glad I was with them when Bill went. They are my only family around except, of course, for Dad who lives with me and isn't really the same person he was even four years ago. My siblings were a good comfort yet I felt that they, too, didn't understand why I'd be grieving a man who had been such a poor husband to me and who had also embarrassed me so many times in their presence. The next day, Tuesday, I drove home. I met a friend for lunch about 90 minutes away. The drives up and back were good times to let out my feelings. I didn't want to be grieving. On an intellectual level, I know it's understandable to feel sad, but on an emotional level, I felt I shouldn't be grieving because Bill had caused so much pain. Wednesday I took care of the baby for Laura. He was very, very tired because he had been out in the desert until late Tuesday night. It was a fussy baby day. I was exhausted and he was wailing by the time I left for an appointment at 5:40. I came home afterward and went to bed. Thursday was a day without plans until 2:45. I sat around in my pajamas wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life and coming up with no answers. My future was stretching out like a giant blank slate before me and I was forcing my self to fill it in. I got in the shower at 1:15. It was then I realized it was my first shower in five days.