Laura Deals With It

Laura and Kyle were gone for a long time. By the time they got back, I had met the neighbors, had one party interested in the van and another person interested in the Kawasaki. I had been through the refrigerator, most of the clothes, and all of the kitchen. I had packed several things and had run a couple of loads of laundry. They said the service was nice. Bill had been working with a Life Counselor and had been trying to become a better person, they said. The counselor had gone to Donna's house from 12 - 2 last Sunday and that when he left, Bill had been at peace. Bill passed away at 3:40. His counselor eulogized Bill at the memorial. Laura spoke with him afterward. He said he would talk with me too if I wanted to call him. "What did the counselor say about Daddy?" I asked. "Call him and he'll talk to you, Mom." "No, Honey, what did he say about Daddy when he spoke?" "He said that Dad was working on becoming a better person, that he felt bad about some mistakes he had made, and that he and Dad were friends as well." "What did you say to him?" "I said, it felt like they were all talking about a person I didn't know, that they didn't seem to know the person who had been my dad." They said one of the group members had shared how lonely Bill was when he first joined the group, that he had been in the desert for six months at that time, and he was feeling really, really lonely. What they never seemed to wonder was why he was so lonely. Kyle had spoken with someone who asked why Bill hadn't been invited to their wedding. Kyle suggested it would be better for them to ask Laura and then mentioned how they hadn't had a real wedding and there were only five us there. I like the way Laura expressed her perspective on her dad with the life counselor. She and I both cried a lot thinking that, if he had been making such a huge effort to become a better person, why had he not been making that effort with us? Why did he take the two people who, together with him, constituted a family, and treat them so poorly, only to go out to the desert and treat strangers so well? Kyle suggested that for Bill it was probably easier to start over and reinvent himself with completely unknown friends, than it was to try to make restitution to the two of us. It made good sense. I understand the concept. But it makes me want to scream.