Court????

In August the judge scheduled a status update for tomorrow, December 2. I have not seen my ex since then. It's been a relief. I have become accustomed to my 'Bill-less' life. I don't want to see him again.

My attorney wanted to settle the wage assignment in court tomorrow. He thought it would be a good time for me, Bill and the two attorneys to take care of that paperwork and get my wages straightened out. After all, they paid Bill twice for October and told me I had to prove I'd paid him myself before they'd undo it. I called my attorney and told him to make it go away. But now Bill is unwilling to change the assignment and it would be a waste of time to go to court if I'm not going to be able to get that.

We've been back and forth on whether or not I'd be going to court. At this moment, it looks like I'm not going. But next Thursday Bill's attorney will take a deposition on me at his office out in Norwalk. I am not looking forward to it. My attorney and I will meet and strategize earlier in the week. I know I will need a strategy. His attorney comes across as a bumbling old guy with a cane but I have a feeling he might be sly like a fox.

Limbo

The divorce has been on hiatus, or on the back burner, for some time now. I like the absence of drama and contentious interactions. I don't miss the bullying and taunting emails my attorney forwards to me from Bill. What I DO like is living my life free of another's demands and persnickety behavior. I don't miss the sense of always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the revelation of the latest treachery, for the next insult or instance of bad behavior. I am relieved that I don't have to protect my father from insults or mistreatment. Things could have ended up worse than they did. I am so thankful that it never got to the point where my father was the subject of any abuse, and am even more thankful that my restraining order also has my father named on it.

Since Thanksgiving came last week, I spent time thinking about all for which I am thankful, and the list is long. I am blessed. I am thankful. Even for the little innocuous things. I have most recently started saying that I love my life. And I really do. Do I like having to pay $2500 in spousal support? Do I like paying my attorney obscene sums of money? No. But the end result, my freedom, is priceless. Sorry to sound corny. My freedom is priceless. Whatever it costs me to have this, is worth it. I know people stay in unhappy relationships because they are afraid of the financial implications a divorce might bring. Let me just say----"Don't let that motivate you to stay." If you are fighting an uphill battle, if you feel like you don't know when the next curveball is coming, if you are living in a world where you can't feel comfortable, where your friends or family can't come in and put up their feet, then I feel sorry for you. I have discovered that nothing is more valuable than living a life where you feel you are doing the right thing, living life the way you feel it should be lived, unfettered by the capricious behavior and 'rules' of another, and laughing and enjoying yourself. There is no price tag on that. There is no material trapping that can replace that. I am not a huge advocate for divorce. But sometimes it is not only necessary, it opens the door to a life that is much better than the one you have been leading.

Veteran's Day Weekend

The school district scheduled a furlough day for us for Friday, November 12. I thought that was a good idea considering that Thursday the 11th was a holiday. When I first heard of this four-day weekend, I thought it would be a good time to do a road trip to Oregon with Marj. But that didn't turn out and I decided to take the four days and go up to see the fam in NorCal. Kyle's birthday was on Sunday the 14th, and Laura informed me that there would be no traveling on a birthday. So I took off the Monday so we wouldn't be driving back home on Kyle's birthday.

The kids picked me up right after school on Wednesday and we headed up I-5. We made decent time and got to Beth's around 10 pm. We had to stop at the grocery store first. Beth had a miserable cold and on the drive up Kyle announced that he thought he was coming down with a cold. I began to wonder whether or not I was going to be able to dodge that particular bullet. Beth had felt so awful that she had gone to bed before we arrived. Mark was in Idaho and Haley was in a little production of Peter Pan for which Beth had helped do the choreography. The performances were that weekend and Beth was mired in driving Haley to and from the final ---- and very long--- rehearsals. We didn't realize it ahead of time, but we weren't going to see much of Beth that weekend. When we were at the house, she was at a rehearsal or performance with Haley, and the times she was at home she was either sleeping or we were away.

On Thursday Laura, Kyle and I took the ferry into San Francisco. It was a stunningly beautiful day. That city is so gorgeous when the sun is out! I was meeting my friend Tim for lunch. I wanted Laura and Tim to meet but didn't want to put Laura and Kyle in an awkward situation where they would sit around at lunch and have to listen to old stories from our high school years. I thought a few minutes together, just casual and unpressured, would be best.

On Friday we had a little luncheon for five of us who went to high school together. We weren't people who hung out together in high school but somehow we assembled for lunch at Marj's house in Novato.

REALLY??

This is my first day in a long time where I had complete control over what I did. I wasn't visiting anyone, I didn't have any appointments, I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere, and the one party I was to attend was too far away and the weather was supposed to be stormy. I didn't ride my bike because it was so cold and my knees have been a little quirky since my last ride. I don't think I have been as conscientious about warming up and cooling own as I should be, especially considering my age. I know that if I mess up my knees, they'll never be 'right' and I will struggle with exercise for the rest of my life. So today I didn't ride; instead, I did Pilates in the evening. I need to do the Pilates more anyway because it is the only exercise that flattens my stomach and keeps any semblance of a waistline on me. Left only to bike riding, my body starts looking weird, sort of like a barrel with no backside. I sat around in my bathrobe until almost noon. I went outside and cut roses for the kitchen table-----in my bathrobe. There is something so precious about being able to control my time. I wonder if that is something common to people who have to work. This afternoon I tackled the dreaded pile of filing. I cleaned up my filing drawer, rehung the guides and the existing files, and then I was all ready to file the papers that had been stacking up for over six months. There is still more filing to do, but I am feeling victorious. The files should be all put away by Thanksgiving. How exciting!

Yesterday was payday again. My attorney had submitted the necessary paperwork for Bill to be paid his money twice a month instead of on the first of every month. The secretary put a note in my mailbox saying she had my paycheck. When I picked it up, it was small again. I thought, "WHAT???" I looked on the stub. They had taken another payment out for Bill!!! So, whoever got the new order, didn't read the fine print that said the two payments a month should start on December 1. Now I have paid Bill $3750 for the month of November. Will I ever get that extra $1250 back? Not a chance.

I called my attorney and told him what had happened. He told me to call the person in charge of payroll at the district. I called the person, a guy with a really unusual name, Rsk Rsk. I left a message on his phone at 10:00 a.m. He didn't call back. I called again at 2:30, still no answer. I almost feel sorry for him when he finally has to talk to me. I am losing my patience with this whole payroll warrant thing. When Bill's attorney takes my deposition on December 9, I'm going to ask him what the HELL he was trying to do when he went and had the spousal support payments taken out of my payroll. I will also tell him that I will be asking that my attorney's fees for undoing that screw-up be charged to Bill. I am angry. This all was unnecessary.

At this point in time, I have been 'celibate' for six months. All of a sudden, this has become a physiological challenge. I hope it's just a phase I am going through. I don't have a big sex drive. After all, I'm almost sixty. On the other hand, though, I have been continually sexually active for over thirty five years. I had no problem with this predicament until a few days ago. Now I don't know what to do. In time, I am sure, I will get used to this. Right now it's a little tough.

November 5, 2010

Yesterday I had Jessica come over to help me get the medical records together for the cancer diagnosis and the three-week stay Bill had in the hospital last year. I had spoken to a supervisor at the insurance company explaining that since the surgery our marriage had deteriorated beyond the point of just divorce but to restraining orders and a lack of cooperation. After the stunt with my paycheck, I am not feeling too inclined to cooperate either. It took us three hours to go through the 1000 pages from Kaiser. We finally copied three pertinent pages and wrote a cover letter stating the purpose of the three pages and summing up the total for reimbursement. It should come to $12,400. It would be very nice to get it. Bill agreed, through attorneys, that he would split whatever we get. As for requisitioning any other medical records, I don't know. That will be more for the attorneys. I don't remember whether or not we had received the records for his triple bypass. I thought we had. That will be an easier one to do. All we need is the proof of a heart attack and the number of days in the hospital broken down by days in ICU and days in a regular room. Then there's the hospital stay he had about six weeks after that. Those could amount to about another $6000. My half of that would pay for the property taxes---and then some.

Today I received an envelope in my mailbox at work. It looked just like the envelope that comes on the 5th and 20th of every month notifying me that my paycheck has been deposited into my bank account. Inside was a check, a check too big to be an extra-duty check and much too small to be my paycheck. It was, however, my paycheck. A paycheck roughly the fifth of my usual paycheck. The attorney's warrant had somehow nullified my direct deposit, the full amount for a month of spousal support had been deducted, and the remainder sent to me. I called my attorney to find out what the progress was with getting it changed so that the money is deducted twice a month. I had signed the form and faxed it back to him over a week ago but it needed to be signed by both Bill and his attorney. By the end of the day my attorney was threatening to go back to court and ask for legal fees if they didn't sign. Maybe by December, I'll be back on my old payment schedule.

Dadisms

Dad tries very hard to be 'with it'. In the simplest of ways, he misses the point in a lot of conversations. Tonight he asked Laura where she got the pumpkins she had carved. (She'd really done a great job. One was a howling wolf and the other was an entire haunted house.) She said she had bought the pumpkins and had carved them using stencils. He asked what the seeds were. She said we had gotten the seeds from inside the pumpkins. He asked if they had been in a plastic bag.

A letter arrived from the investment company. About 12 years ago Dad had set up a charitable gift trust with some money he had inherited. That was a great thing about having a father who was gay and had many gay friends. Few of his friends had any children. In fact, many had been estranged from their families. They usually left everything to someone in the circle of gay friends. Over the years he had inherited a few thousand dollars here and a few there. But 12 years ago he hit the Mother Lode: the second of a gay 'couple' died and left their entire estate to Dad. This couple had lived very simply, trieying to survive off their Social Security checks, and salting away the rest of what they had ever had. Dad inherited a quarter of a million. He set up college funds for his grandchildren, an additional IRA for himself, and this charitable gift trust. The purpose of the trust was to use the increase in its value to make donations to charitable or non-profit organizations. By donating only interest earned, the trust would perpetuate itself, thus enabling us to make donations forever. Last month we donated a couple thousand to Dad's alma mater and the remainder of his annual tithe to the church. This letter was the quarterly statement. He wrote on it, "Cindy, what is this? It looks really interesting."

On the annual statement of his life insurance policy he wrote, "What is this?"

On another insurance policy, he wrote: "This looks like a come-on."

For his 90th birthday, I made Dad's favorite dishes: apricot-glazed chicken, rice pilaf, pineapple upside down cake. When we were eating it, he asked if we'd ever had it before.

Lawyer Stunt #1

The other day at work,I received a letter in my box. It was from the County Office of Education and it had 'confidential' stamped all over it, I mean ALL over it. I usually don't pay much attention to things from LACOE; they're usually items for the circular file. But the stamps told me this one wasn't for tossing. When I opened it, it said that there was some kind of action going on against one of their employees, and that employee was me. It took me a while to figure it out; it wasn't all that easy to read. Apparently, Bill's attorney took it upon himself to contact the court to have my spousal support payments deducted from my paycheck. Why would he do that after I had already set it up to have Bill paid twice a month on billpay? I had set it up on time, despite Bill's closing his back account and not notifying my attorney until the day the first payment was due. Bill was receiving $1250 checks twice a month, and had been since the end of September. This order I received from LACOE said that $2500 was to be deducted from my pay once a month on the first of every month, starting Novenber 1. So here's the problem with that: 1) Having the entire amount taken from my account at once makes it difficult for me to pay my mortgage, which costs quite a bit and 2) if you give Bill a lump sum at the beginning of the month and tell him to make it last for the entire month, he can't do it. He's horrible with money and needs to have it doled out to him in small quantities or he will blow it within two weeks and will then cry poverty to his attorney. And what will happen then? His attorney will go back to court and ask for more money, claiming his client can't exist on the paltry sum to which we have agreed. I can see it now. I, on the other hand, will argue that Bill has a gambling addiction that no amount of spousal support will ever be able to feed. And 3)if I hadn't been notified by LACOE, this would have gone into effect on November 1, resulting in me having the money deducted twice: once from the billpay I have set up and another time by LACOE deducting it from my check. And once that money would be given to Bill, I'd never see it again. I would double pay the spousal support and he wouldn't give it back.

I called my attorney. He knew nothing of this action. He wrote up an amendment to the action Bill's attorney had made. I signed it. Bill's attorney didn't call him back on it; he rarely does. I hope we can get it done. Now we get to spend more unnecessary money in attorney's fees.

Note to self: Bill's attorney is not trustworthy.