April 28

April 28 will ring in my brain for the rest of my life. On this day the catalytic event happened.

There I was at work, minding my own business. It was 2:45 and I was looking to leave soon to go to my weekly appointment with my therapist. My cell rang. It was you. You asked me if I had a couple of minutes to talk. You said you didn't want to lie to me anymore, and you didn't want to put Laura in the 'middle' and in a place where she would have to lie to me, too. Did I ever mention that before I met you I loved surprises? You ruined surprises for me. Your surprises were always the worst, most frightening things that ever happened to me. I used to love it when people would tell me they had something to say to me. My first husband used to get a look on his face when he had a surprise, and I used to get so excited. And he always had something lovely or thoughtful. But you fixed that. Your first surprise sent me reeling, and all the others after that were equally as awful. Oh, boy, another one of your surprises. How badly was this one going to suck? You just wanted to let me know that you are gambling again. Oh joy! My worst nightmare returns! How fun is that? You said you had always gambled, you were gambling now, you were always going to gamble and that's "just the way it is".

"Well," I said. "I was hoping you had maybe realized you are a crappy gambler and that losing your entire inheritance at the poker table would have changed your mind about gambling. I see that I have enabled your gambling by not asking you to work or contribute to the household. There are going to be some changes around here. You are going to have to start making a financial contribution and you are going to need to pay your medical costs."

You mumbled something about giving me 25% of your winnings. You gotta be kiddin! Mumbling was a good way to make that lame offer. You quickly agreed to paying your medical costs; they're small.

"And you will need to think of a way to protect me from any financial disasters you leave me with if you lose control and run up gambling debts and then die."

You said you would never let that happen. Yeah, right. Like the other times. Right.

I went to my therapist's. I didn't have to worry about what to discuss.

I went to my cancer support givers group. They said my news sucked. After all that was going on in my life, I didn't need that too. It just sucked.

I agreed.