But Was I Really Safe?

As the thoughts of you standing over me with a knife or a gun started to pop up in my head, another thing starting slowly dawning. Arguing. When we argued early on, I learned some lessons. I responded viscerally, and my learning curve was steep. When we would argue, you gave me verbal signals when to stop. If I didn't pay attention to the verbal signals, you gave me physical signals. They frightened me, I internalized them, and they became so ingrained they were subconscious. During an argument you didn't want to continue your words were, "Stop! Just stop!" If I didn't stop the first two times you said those words, you would start to lose control. Your eyes would widen and get steely. Your nostrils would flare. You would clench your fists. I remember that once you told me if I didn't stop, you would lose control and you wouldn't be able to predict what you would do. It wouldn't be in my best interest to let you get to that point. How long ago did this pattern start? I can't remember. Again, it was you controlling our lives, controlling me, making sure you got your way even if it meant threatening my safety. I never got to pursue something I wanted to if you said, "Stop! Just stop!" How is it that you could badger and harangue me to your hearts content, no matter how many times I asked you to stop? And I didn't get violent. Yet, I am the one who was accused of violence? Could this have been projection? Once you threw a phone into the fake fireplace in front of Laura. She was terrified. She cried. She remembers that to this day. You weren't saying, "Stop! Just stop!" You were angry about something. And probably manicky too. Hmmmmm.....Let's see now. I couldn't talk about things you didn't want to discuss, but you could hammer away at me no matter how many different ways I asked you to stop. Oh,yeah, I forgot. The rules were always different for you.