Day in Court

The thought of going to court again was extremely unpleasant. If the estranged husband wanted this divorce to start out with a domestic violence charge, the tables had been turned and I wanted to make it stick. I really didn't want to go back to court to try to get an extension on the TRO but it was so nice not having to worry about the ex and his shenanigans. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, was concerned for my physical safety. There was a mounting succession of erratic and malicious behavior; did we really need to wait for violence? Had enough of a pattern started that would lead a court to believe that violence was in the offing? The burden of proof was on me. I had to prove that I was afraid for my personal safety. I had to make the case for the judge to extend my restraining order. I had been scared and tongue-tied during our last court appearance. I had stammered, my mind had gone blank, being on the spot had been nerveracking. This second date was an extension of that first one, and it was my opportunity to make my case. During the two weeks I had had a lot of time to think. I had realized how I was indeed worried for my safety. I had to make the case for my physical safety, but in my eyes, my emotional safety was far more at risk. The thought of Bill being back in my environment and bombarding me with his agenda was a burden. There is no price tag you can put on the value of your physical or emotional safety.

The kids came back from their vacation a few days early so they could be there to testify. Laura was testifying for me because she wanted to; Kyle was testifying because he had been served with a subpoena. I was sad they had to miss part of the fun with Kyle's family. His grandmother had rented a huge 7-bedroom place on Lake Tahoe, and everyone was there with boats and jet skis. The day the kids left to come home, everyone was parasailing. Yep, the good times had to end early for our two young ones. Back to the gray horror of the courtroom.

We were set for 10:00. Or so we thought. I had wondered why the judge had scheduled us for that hour; that's usually when they take their morning break. As we were in freeway traffic, my phone rang. Laura answered. It was my attorney calling to tell me that the court had scheduled us for 8:30. Surprise! Surprise! We arrived at the courthouse at 9:15 and had to go immediately to the courtroom where we got to sit through quite a number of status hearings before we were called. Our turn came at 11:30. I had written a statement that I had wished to read out loud. The judge asked if I would sign it under penalty of perjury and then everyone could read it during the lunch break. I did.

After lunch my ex, once again representing himself, had me on the witness stand for almost an hour during which time I had to be admonished for speaking too much, speaking before the judge made a ruling on objections, and being 'too conversational' in my responses. I was asked to read sections of my ex's 32-page diatribe where he wrote a number of vicious things about my father. My voice trembled and I was duly humiliated. At one point he was trying to paint a picture of my father as a misogynist, a racist and other things. He asked me how many people I knew who used the 'n' word on a daily basis, but he didn't say 'n word'; he said the 'n' word. Ooooooooh, unhappy judge. He let the ex know that was a word that would not be allowed in his courtroom. Ever. I got to answer questions about 'manicky' behavior and his being a homophobe, and I was able to sum that up telling him that he isn't generally a homophobe, he just doesn't like those who fit my dad's profile: hiding in plain sight, acting like a heterosexual while being a closet homosexual.

Laura testified about changes in her father's behavior over the past several months and my attorney was able to bring out the part where the ex tried to intimidate her out of testifying. Carmi testified that she had never seen him be unkind to my dad. But when my attorney got to cross-examine her, he was able to discuss the time Bill had asked her to leave the house while he had a 'talk' with my dad and how upset my dad was when she returned. I had also added that to the end of my statement. Kyle was not called to testify.

Closing arguments were another story. My attorney did something he had likened to 'building to a crescendo'. He started by reminding the court of the evidence they had heard so far. He talked about how all of these were the signs of a person who is behaving erratically and thoughtlessly, a person who had chosen to abandon his family and accused his wife of trying to kill him. What will he do next? He's erratic and unpredictable. The ex's closing arguments centered around his need to focus on his health, do his yoga and meditation, and do it in the house he had built 97% of. He said my dad and I could find a nice place to live where we could be very happy. He said my dad was a vet and could be in a VA facility where he would be able to get the same care he gets in our home for about the same price. He also said he had put keystroke tracking software on the computer and he knew I was having an affair. By this point I was shaking my head 'no'. Starting at the 97%, I was shaking my head. I didn't know this was against the rules. The judge let me know that was not okay in his courtroom. Yep, he was real clear about it. He told me if I needed one, they could bring me a box of tissues. My attorney muttered out of the side of his mouth, "You need the tissues, you need the tissues." So I nodded and they brought them.

But starting with 97% everything was false. Bill had built maybe 75-80% of the house. Or, more correctly, he had spearheaded about that much work on the house. He had participated as well. There is no doubt he worked hard on various projects at home. He had invested a lot of time and energy. But I would be remiss if I didn't mention that he did not put one penny into any of these projects. Not one penny. Ever. Secondly, my dad is not a vet. He was told he was not going to be given vet status even though he had gone overseas. It was post-war and the armed services had decided that doctors were going to be successful and have lots of money in their careers. They were not ever going to need the help of the VA. And me having an affair: that would be nice. That would be something to buoy me up and keep me going. That would give me something exciting and loving to look forward to. That wasn't something that was happening.

The judge was prepared with his decision. He rendered it in his calm and matter-of-fact voice. He spoke for at least 15 minutes. I couldn't tell which way he was going to go. Would he be sympathetic to Bill? Would he buy the big cancer argument? Did he think I was in danger? How important was Dad's safety? Did he think I was able to pick up and leave with Dad so Bill could do his yoga and meditation? Would he deny the extension of the TRO and allow Bill to move back into the house where he would squat, drive his agenda hard and blackmail me to get him out? (I could only imagine the conversations that would have ensued: "If you want me to leave you'll need to give me $5000 for moving expenses. No, make that $12000. I also need to hire an attorney. I can't leave without at least that much.")

He started by saying this was a unique and difficult case. He thanked Bill for enlightening him on the life of a cancer patient. But in the end, he found in my favor. My TRO would now be extended for five years. FIVE YEARS???!!! I thought he'd give me six months, maybe nine. But five years? He also ordered me to inventory, photograph and pack up all of Bill's personal belongings and have them out of the house within 30 days. In addition, since I had found and photographed no less than 28 pocket knives, he ordered me to sell the knives and split the proceeds with Bill. He said that we have some big stresses in our lives: bringing in an elderly parent is stressful, having cancer is stressful, getting a divorce is stressful. It's how you 'choose' to deal with these stresses that makes the critical difference. He emphasized the word 'choose'. I think he was also talking about how important it is to 'choose' to do good and behave well. He found tampering with Laura's testimony to be almost a crime. He thought putting keystroke monitoring software on the computer to be a form of stalking. He indeed sees a pattern of erratic behavior, not the least of which is the hiring and firing of three attorneys by Bill. Then he told us to go on with our lives.