Boundaries

I believe one of the biggest lessons I can learn right now is how to make appropriate boundaries. Boundaries I made with Bill were violated like crazy. I grew weary of being treated like I didn't mean it when I made a boundary. I think that making boundaries is one of the healthiest things I can do to avoid repeating mistakes I have made in the past. And from here on out, I will do a better job of enforcing those boundaries.

I've read the book "Boundaries". Twice. It's good. I learned that I have made very few of my own boundaries in my life. Many of 'my' boundaries were not of my own making. I think that by letting others make the boundaries, I let myself be pushed into a place where I was living a life that was not of my own choosing. In reflection, I learned that I didn't feel entitled to make boundaries or expect others to honor them. That is changing. I must believe I can make boundaries and believe I am entitled to not only make them but have others honor them.

As this divorce progresses, I find I have to create boundaries all the time. It actually started with me trying to create a new boundary with Bill, a boundary that said 'I will not put myself in a position where you can damage my future with your gambling. Protect me," an attempt at making a boundary that we all know failed. As the divorce has continued, I have had to make and stand firm on boundaries with Bill. He is still trying to circumvent the legal process. I am becoming more and more aware of where in my life I need boundaries. In some places my boundaries are clear to me. In other places the need for boundaries comes more into focus as time goes by. Also because of the divorce, some existing boundaries need to be redefined or changed. I am learning how to make boundaries and be nicely assertive about them.

Today I made a boundary for the refrigerator. I have known for years that you can't put fruit and vegetables together in a refrigerator drawer. Today I cleaned out the drawers and made a note "Fruits and vegetables can't go in the same drawer (see island sink). Please put fruit in the bottom drawer and vegetables in the top drawer." I also told the relief caregiver how to set the delay on the dishwasher so it's not turning on right after dinner when we're still out in the family room.

The boundaries with Dad are a constant work-in-progress. It's like when you have a three-year-old or a fourteen-year-old and they keep pushing the boundaries to see if you're really committed to those boundaries. I can always tell when Dad doesn't like a boundary I've set because he forgets we've had the discussion. Carmi reminds him a lot and that helps me.

Next I have to set boundaries with my sweet kids, the future parents. They don't clean up after themselves. They also do one of the things that really bugged me about Bill: they bring things home from the store and either leave them in the obnoxious ubiquitous plastic bags on the counter or empty the bags and leave the empty bags sitting there. My darling daughter made some neck warmers with the sewing machine last night and left the sewing machine on the dining table. Their laundry is everywhere and there are stacks of things next to the back door for them to take out to their room. Boundaries with the two of them will have to be created incrementally; they have so much to work on.

Boundaries will be an ongoing effort and I expect to have more boundary blog entries.