Is It Over Yet?

Here's my day today:
7:45 Wake up (for no reason at all)
8:15 Get out of bed. Get back in.
8:30 Get coffee. Get back in bed. Read.
9:00 Read my email on my iPad
9:15 Get out of bed. Put my feet in my slippers. Take my feet out. Get back in bed.
9:20 Play Bejewelled on my iPad
9:45 Get out of bed. Forbid myself to get back in.
10:00 Wash my face. Change my clothes.
10:10 Go to family room. Watch tv. 'Movies Mom Could Love' are on: Sex and the City #1, Juno, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days,....and more....
3:15 Go to the grocery.
4:15 Come back with groceries. Put them away.
Day over. Where did it go? Oh, geez! I forgot to go to the Apple Store to get my iPod fixed.

A while back, maybe six or eight weeks ago, I started the crying phase of this divorce. I haven't gotten too emotionally involved with it. I figure it's another necessary step toward starting my new life. One of my friends laughs at the way I describe it. She says I sound so detached. I figure it's just a passing thing. And the good news is that what happened was the healthy choice. The healthy choice did not give me a pass on pain, some sadness, or some discomfort. If I have to cry for a while, it's a small price to pay. I cry because I'm grieving the loss of a relationship that lasted a quarter of a century. I cry because I know I had to give up on the marriage and the love, and I didn't want to. Many things have happened throughout this last year and, because I didn't cry much at all during the first eight months, I felt this time would come. I knew the marriage hadn't made me so tough that I was unable to cry.

Bill didn't respond well to tears. With my first husband, tears would make him melt. It put an end to a lot of arguments but, unfortunately, didn't resolve them. If I was arguing with Bill and I started to cry----and I can't turn on the tears like a spigot, I don't cry easily----, he would get pissed. Interesting response to someone's pain. But I really learned to suck it up. I got good at it, I could go through a big argument and not cry at all. I was actually kind of proud of myself. And calm resolve worked well on Bill. I think it even made him a bit nervous, insecure. I had learned how crying had stopped communication with my ex and knew it wasn't good. Too many things had been left unresolved, and those things only contributed to the demise of the relationship. In fact, our marriage got so bad I didn't even want to see him after I left him. Talking things through with Bill was a healthy step I thought.

So, back to this current stage. I have been listening to 'Knoxville' every night before I fall asleep. It has made me cry. It felt good at times. Get it out. Move on. Over the past week I have found I haven't been crying to it. I have been hopeful my crying stage is coming to an end.

However, today, while watching 'Sex and the City' and 'Juno', I found myself with inexplicably leaky eyes again. Am I tired or am I reaching the end of the crying stage?

I hope it's over. Crying makes me think of someone who feels sorry for herself: Pity Party, table for one. It can sound whiny. I don't like whiny. I don't like people who feel sorry for themselves. I want to move on. The thought that I sound whiny is not a pretty one. I am starting to annoy MYSELF. Dear Crying Stage, Please be over. Love, Cindy.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. To me, it officially marks me as being single for a year, even though all of this started a year ago April 28, didn't become an official divorce until May 20. It was the last time I had sex. The kids tell me I'm really going to like what they got me and it's something I'd never think of. They said it's something I've had before. A husband? An Acura? An electric stapler? Whatever it is, I'm looking forward to the day. I want to do something for Laura since she, in a way, is a mother now.