Today

Today was rough. I woke at 4:00 a.m. with another nightmare about me and Bill. I wrote it down, took an Ambien 'booster' (about 2 mg), set my alarm for 8:20 and then went back to sleep. I woke before 8:00 feeling groggy yet unable to go back to sleep. I didn't want to be late to meet my first ex. He was always so punctual, reliable, and conscientious. He had been very gracious when I had asked him to clear up the paperwork with his entitlement to my retirement.

I had to meet him at a place where he signed and I notarized a waiver. He was driving a nice car; I was glad he was giving himself nice things. He had had his nose fixed and his teeth capped. His hair was no longer a beautiful auburn but salt and pepper. He was in good shape and looked much better than he had the last time I had seen him. We chatted. I asked him about his family; he asked about mine. Somehow I told him about Laura being pregnant. He thought she was still in high school and doing what a lot of the girls at his high school do: have babies like they're getting a new toy, then leave the babies for their mothers to tend while they finish high school. Nope, I said, she's 22 and Kyle's 24. I told him my dad was difficult to live with how surprising that was for me, and how controlling he is. He reminded me that I had never really lived with my dad, so how could I have known? He said my dad could have been that way all the time. I think he was right. He said his mother was still alive and quite controlling. I said I knew that and was glad he did as well. He said he goes to see his mom for a couple of hours at a time and then he has to get out. I said I bet but then I added that his mom was very loving and generous and thought the world of him. I didn't want to insult him or make it sound like I didn't like his mom.

I told him my divorce was pricey. He said that I would do the same to Bill if the tables were turned. He had a point. He said it seemed that Bill wouldn't be hireable by anyone and would have no means of supporting himself. Wouldn't I do the same if I were in his shoes? I said yes. I left out the part about the gambling addiction. He said his last wife got part of his retirement. I said $10,000? He said, no, $2000. I said try $80,000. I said Bill was crazy. He said he knew. I said no, really crazy, like diagnosed crazy. He said he knew. I said bipolar. He said yea, as soon as your dad told me that I knew your marriage was doomed. UH-OH! Somebody's dad made a huge overshare violation! What in the world was my father thinking when he told my EX-husband that my current husband was bipolar---and how long ago did he do that? Yikes! It's not okay to do that ever. I have a bad feeling. When did my dad tell him? I also have a feeling I didn't need to mention the part about the gambling addiction. I think he already knows about that too.

I didn't get much sympathy from this ex-husband. But I understand. He thought I was having an affair with Bill when I left him. I wasn't. I didn't know Bill. I rented an apartment from Bill when I left and that's how I got to know him. I had met Bill on two previous occasions but hadn't remembered them or him. But I still hurt this man very, very badly. It devastated him when I left. He felt betrayed and telling people I was having an affair probably soothed him. I think it's easier to say your spouse left you for another person than it is to say your spouse left you because you are you.

Next up: Laura. She babysits twins. On Wednesday I dropped her off at the twins' house and within two minutes she was texting me to come back to get her. The twins' mother had the flu and the twins had had it already. I picked her up and we took the twins to our house for the day. Last evening Laura came down with it. She was pale, in a lot of pain with volcanic intestinal activity and possibly having contractions. She threw up her Taco Bell. She and Kyle went to the ER. Arriving at the ER they were ushered straight up to Labor and Delivery. The staff tried to give her an IV but missed her vein. Her hand puffed up and she was even more miserable. They managed to give her some fluids. She was having contractions. I prayed that they could stop the contractions. I guess they did. She and Kyle came home sometime in the night, around midnight I think. I was aware of them coming home but I have had trouble sleeping.

This morning she woke up with a fever. They went back to the ER where they were again sent to Labor and Delivery. Since I had met my ex at a place close to the hospital, I drove on over to see her. I was worried. She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors. She was in a lot of pain and shivering, and they didn't want to give her covers because they said it wasn't good for the baby. She was trying to drink water but it was making her more cold. The nurse had asked her if someone she knew had been sick and she had said no. WHAT???? I mentioned to the nurse that the woman for whom Laura babysits had had the flu. Laura had thought they were asking her if anyone had had measles, rubella, chicken pox or the mumps. She really missed the obvious question there. After the nurse spoke to me, they were less alarmed about Laura's condition and sent her home around noon.

In all of this, I had to cancel going up to Santa Barbara to spend the day with a friend who is renting a house there for the week. It is extremely foggy here anyway and I was a little worried the driving would be treacherous. It's still foggy and this stuff is thick. It's okay not to be driving in it. But I had been looking forward to the day.