The Trust Network

Last week my counselor starting talking about the 'trust network'. The 'trust network' is her description of the complex role trust plays in a union. This trust network goes very deep and spans all kinds of areas of a relationship. Once the trust gets broken, or the network is violated by one or more parties, it is damaged. It's like an electrical circuit with a kink in one of the wires. If it is not repaired, the circuit isn't able to function correctly. Left unrepaired that kink, however tiny it might be, is likely to turn into a break,and will destroy the system. And, as I learned when I was buying a car stereo, a system is only as good as its weakest link. When I think about it, I marvel at how complex this trust network is, and if one part of it isn't right, other parts won't work correctly either. In a relationship, the large issues are the more obvious: lying, stealing, cheating. They almost go without saying. They can put the 'trust network' completely out of order. It's the other, more subtle areas that can be harder to detect. In particular, I think about insults and criticisms. They damage the system; in time they can break down the network. I am just going to explore a couple of small things I can see eroded my relationship to Bill.

In our early years, Bill used to tell me I wasn't supportive. He was in law school, under a lot of academic pressure and studied non-stop. At that time I had a very poor self-image. I was so closely out of my first marriage and bewildered by what had made me want to end that, that in my very confused state I would believe anything Bill told me. Bill had been a shoulder to lean on, he was a good listener, a great conversationalist and he had won my confidence. He could get inside my head and, when he felt his own insecurities pop up, he would project those on me. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. I figured that out much later on. But in the beginning I trusted him. Since I trusted him, I felt he was being honest with me and I strove to improve myself based on what he said. If he said I wasn't supportive enough of him in his studying, I would feel bad and try to do more to 'be supportive'. If he told me I didn't take care of business, I would believe him and try to become more efficient. If he told me something I did annoyed him, I would try to stop doing that. But the point here is that the criticisms cut into what would become our trust network. In time I found myself being a little skittish, afraid of being criticized. Subconsciously I tried too hard to please. I didn't want the criticism so I avoided the behavior that might elicit it. As I look back, I see how that damaged the circuit. To shield myself from it, I was at times evasive, at times reluctant to share my vulnerabilities. I didn't share as openly with him as before because I couldn't trust I would be supported and I couldn't trust the information wouldn't be thrown in my face at some future point in time.

Years ago I heard someone refer to these small behaviors as 'little murders'. How powerful that description is! They are so small, so subtle, they go underground and into the subconscious so fast, that over a period of years, they slowly erode the network. They are insidious, so insidious, in fact, that I wonder what I would need to do in the future to stop them if I saw them coming in another relationship.