Carmi is my dad's caregiver. She works 24/5. She is patient and appropriate with my dad, has learned when to step in and stop him when he's about to say or do something offensive, and she continues to assume more and more responsibilities around the house. She is both mentally and physically quick and strong. Her two patients prior to my dad both weighed more than 300 pounds. She managed all the care and finances of one. The second one had been mentally reduced to that of a child by the time she was hired to care for him. She does unimaginably dirty tasks tending to such things as bathrooming care and accident clean-up. She has been speaking English for only about 8 or 9 years but figures out the answers to the puzzles on Wheel of Fortune just as quickly as most native speakers. In her homeland, she is a graduate nurse. She cannot get nursing work here unless she goes back to school and then passes the nursing boards. She has been kind, respectful, helpful and generous with us, even buying Laura the new crib she wanted when Laura announced she was expecting. She has an easy way about her, an engaging laugh and and is quick to smile. She joins in conversations and is discreet with secrets. I find myself learning from this woman of strength and character.
Imagine the old Red Skelton Show's Freddy the Freeloader, multiply him times forty, and you have Carmi's family. Yes, I know it's customary for people to work in the U.S. and mail most of their money to family back home. I also know it's customary to skimp on things because the satisfaction of knowing your loved ones are cared for, well-fed, and have roofs over their heads is highly regarded in some cultures. But is it customary for members who lie about why they need money? Is it acceptable for family members to repeatedly badger a person with international calls because they want to buy a television? Here's the other thing: Carmi's older brother and sister inherited all of their parents' money and properties, spent the money, sold the properties, and never worked a day in their lives. Carmi, on the other hand, has worked for over thirty years, bought properties, built houses, established a co-op to lend seed money to farmers and she recently bought a grange. In the meantime she has also put countless siblings, nieces and nephews through school, she has paid for weddings and funerals, cars, motorbikes and trucks, and saved for her retirement. She has no credit card debt and just bought her first new car. She now is expected, by some code of ethics, to support her sister who does nothing more than sit on her rear. Carmi knows some members of her family take advantage of her but she continues to support them. She doesn't mind, she says. She doesn't expect any payment in return but would be happy if her family members were to pay it forward. She says that when she retires and returns home, her family will wait on her. They will clean her house, prepare and serve her food, and let her luxuriate in her old age. In the meantime, she is waiting on us.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Today
Today was rough. I woke at 4:00 a.m. with another nightmare about me and Bill. I wrote it down, took an Ambien 'booster' (about 2 mg), set my alarm for 8:20 and then went back to sleep. I woke before 8:00 feeling groggy yet unable to go back to sleep. I didn't want to be late to meet my first ex. He was always so punctual, reliable, and conscientious. He had been very gracious when I had asked him to clear up the paperwork with his entitlement to my retirement.
I had to meet him at a place where he signed and I notarized a waiver. He was driving a nice car; I was glad he was giving himself nice things. He had had his nose fixed and his teeth capped. His hair was no longer a beautiful auburn but salt and pepper. He was in good shape and looked much better than he had the last time I had seen him. We chatted. I asked him about his family; he asked about mine. Somehow I told him about Laura being pregnant. He thought she was still in high school and doing what a lot of the girls at his high school do: have babies like they're getting a new toy, then leave the babies for their mothers to tend while they finish high school. Nope, I said, she's 22 and Kyle's 24. I told him my dad was difficult to live with how surprising that was for me, and how controlling he is. He reminded me that I had never really lived with my dad, so how could I have known? He said my dad could have been that way all the time. I think he was right. He said his mother was still alive and quite controlling. I said I knew that and was glad he did as well. He said he goes to see his mom for a couple of hours at a time and then he has to get out. I said I bet but then I added that his mom was very loving and generous and thought the world of him. I didn't want to insult him or make it sound like I didn't like his mom.
I told him my divorce was pricey. He said that I would do the same to Bill if the tables were turned. He had a point. He said it seemed that Bill wouldn't be hireable by anyone and would have no means of supporting himself. Wouldn't I do the same if I were in his shoes? I said yes. I left out the part about the gambling addiction. He said his last wife got part of his retirement. I said $10,000? He said, no, $2000. I said try $80,000. I said Bill was crazy. He said he knew. I said no, really crazy, like diagnosed crazy. He said he knew. I said bipolar. He said yea, as soon as your dad told me that I knew your marriage was doomed. UH-OH! Somebody's dad made a huge overshare violation! What in the world was my father thinking when he told my EX-husband that my current husband was bipolar---and how long ago did he do that? Yikes! It's not okay to do that ever. I have a bad feeling. When did my dad tell him? I also have a feeling I didn't need to mention the part about the gambling addiction. I think he already knows about that too.
I didn't get much sympathy from this ex-husband. But I understand. He thought I was having an affair with Bill when I left him. I wasn't. I didn't know Bill. I rented an apartment from Bill when I left and that's how I got to know him. I had met Bill on two previous occasions but hadn't remembered them or him. But I still hurt this man very, very badly. It devastated him when I left. He felt betrayed and telling people I was having an affair probably soothed him. I think it's easier to say your spouse left you for another person than it is to say your spouse left you because you are you.
Next up: Laura. She babysits twins. On Wednesday I dropped her off at the twins' house and within two minutes she was texting me to come back to get her. The twins' mother had the flu and the twins had had it already. I picked her up and we took the twins to our house for the day. Last evening Laura came down with it. She was pale, in a lot of pain with volcanic intestinal activity and possibly having contractions. She threw up her Taco Bell. She and Kyle went to the ER. Arriving at the ER they were ushered straight up to Labor and Delivery. The staff tried to give her an IV but missed her vein. Her hand puffed up and she was even more miserable. They managed to give her some fluids. She was having contractions. I prayed that they could stop the contractions. I guess they did. She and Kyle came home sometime in the night, around midnight I think. I was aware of them coming home but I have had trouble sleeping.
This morning she woke up with a fever. They went back to the ER where they were again sent to Labor and Delivery. Since I had met my ex at a place close to the hospital, I drove on over to see her. I was worried. She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors. She was in a lot of pain and shivering, and they didn't want to give her covers because they said it wasn't good for the baby. She was trying to drink water but it was making her more cold. The nurse had asked her if someone she knew had been sick and she had said no. WHAT???? I mentioned to the nurse that the woman for whom Laura babysits had had the flu. Laura had thought they were asking her if anyone had had measles, rubella, chicken pox or the mumps. She really missed the obvious question there. After the nurse spoke to me, they were less alarmed about Laura's condition and sent her home around noon.
In all of this, I had to cancel going up to Santa Barbara to spend the day with a friend who is renting a house there for the week. It is extremely foggy here anyway and I was a little worried the driving would be treacherous. It's still foggy and this stuff is thick. It's okay not to be driving in it. But I had been looking forward to the day.
I had to meet him at a place where he signed and I notarized a waiver. He was driving a nice car; I was glad he was giving himself nice things. He had had his nose fixed and his teeth capped. His hair was no longer a beautiful auburn but salt and pepper. He was in good shape and looked much better than he had the last time I had seen him. We chatted. I asked him about his family; he asked about mine. Somehow I told him about Laura being pregnant. He thought she was still in high school and doing what a lot of the girls at his high school do: have babies like they're getting a new toy, then leave the babies for their mothers to tend while they finish high school. Nope, I said, she's 22 and Kyle's 24. I told him my dad was difficult to live with how surprising that was for me, and how controlling he is. He reminded me that I had never really lived with my dad, so how could I have known? He said my dad could have been that way all the time. I think he was right. He said his mother was still alive and quite controlling. I said I knew that and was glad he did as well. He said he goes to see his mom for a couple of hours at a time and then he has to get out. I said I bet but then I added that his mom was very loving and generous and thought the world of him. I didn't want to insult him or make it sound like I didn't like his mom.
I told him my divorce was pricey. He said that I would do the same to Bill if the tables were turned. He had a point. He said it seemed that Bill wouldn't be hireable by anyone and would have no means of supporting himself. Wouldn't I do the same if I were in his shoes? I said yes. I left out the part about the gambling addiction. He said his last wife got part of his retirement. I said $10,000? He said, no, $2000. I said try $80,000. I said Bill was crazy. He said he knew. I said no, really crazy, like diagnosed crazy. He said he knew. I said bipolar. He said yea, as soon as your dad told me that I knew your marriage was doomed. UH-OH! Somebody's dad made a huge overshare violation! What in the world was my father thinking when he told my EX-husband that my current husband was bipolar---and how long ago did he do that? Yikes! It's not okay to do that ever. I have a bad feeling. When did my dad tell him? I also have a feeling I didn't need to mention the part about the gambling addiction. I think he already knows about that too.
I didn't get much sympathy from this ex-husband. But I understand. He thought I was having an affair with Bill when I left him. I wasn't. I didn't know Bill. I rented an apartment from Bill when I left and that's how I got to know him. I had met Bill on two previous occasions but hadn't remembered them or him. But I still hurt this man very, very badly. It devastated him when I left. He felt betrayed and telling people I was having an affair probably soothed him. I think it's easier to say your spouse left you for another person than it is to say your spouse left you because you are you.
Next up: Laura. She babysits twins. On Wednesday I dropped her off at the twins' house and within two minutes she was texting me to come back to get her. The twins' mother had the flu and the twins had had it already. I picked her up and we took the twins to our house for the day. Last evening Laura came down with it. She was pale, in a lot of pain with volcanic intestinal activity and possibly having contractions. She threw up her Taco Bell. She and Kyle went to the ER. Arriving at the ER they were ushered straight up to Labor and Delivery. The staff tried to give her an IV but missed her vein. Her hand puffed up and she was even more miserable. They managed to give her some fluids. She was having contractions. I prayed that they could stop the contractions. I guess they did. She and Kyle came home sometime in the night, around midnight I think. I was aware of them coming home but I have had trouble sleeping.
This morning she woke up with a fever. They went back to the ER where they were again sent to Labor and Delivery. Since I had met my ex at a place close to the hospital, I drove on over to see her. I was worried. She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors. She was in a lot of pain and shivering, and they didn't want to give her covers because they said it wasn't good for the baby. She was trying to drink water but it was making her more cold. The nurse had asked her if someone she knew had been sick and she had said no. WHAT???? I mentioned to the nurse that the woman for whom Laura babysits had had the flu. Laura had thought they were asking her if anyone had had measles, rubella, chicken pox or the mumps. She really missed the obvious question there. After the nurse spoke to me, they were less alarmed about Laura's condition and sent her home around noon.
In all of this, I had to cancel going up to Santa Barbara to spend the day with a friend who is renting a house there for the week. It is extremely foggy here anyway and I was a little worried the driving would be treacherous. It's still foggy and this stuff is thick. It's okay not to be driving in it. But I had been looking forward to the day.
Monday, December 26, 2011
The Truth (I Think I Can Handle It)
In 'A Few Good Men' Jack Nicholson says, "You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth!" I've always loved that. It's a brutally honest statement. How many times do you want to hear the truth but tremble when you think you might hear something for which you aren't prepared? It's tough to detect your own 'truth' when you're in the midst of it, so hard to analyze and capture who you are, so much easier to pin down someone else's qualities, not because that's a nasty thing to do; it's just easier to define another person because you're not distracted by all the extraneous information. For that reason, another person can bare your truth to you and it can be shocking.
Whatever it takes, my task here is to tell the truth as best I can. I have to combat the lies that try to invade my thinking, skew the logic, rewrite what has happened, and I need to clean up the dirty parts. So here I will put what I think is the truth, and it might be more exposing and painful than writing about the lies.
The truth is that I keep my word, I am loyal and reliable, I take my commitments very seriously, I am naive and I am hopeful. I am fun, funny, very smart, very hardworking, somewhat pretty, have aged well, have a decent body for a 60-year-old, am loving and responsible. I am nurturing and patient, am usually a reliable friend and pretty good with money. OK, that's the good stuff.
The other part of the truth is that I find it difficult to stand up for myself because I don't like conflict, I don't like arguing, I don't like strife, and as a result I have made too many concessions in order to keep the peace. It's also easy for me to feel guilty and I feel horrible and unforgiving of myself when I feel guilty. I withdraw rather than confront. I can end up sacrificing honesty in order to avoid conflict. That can end up looking two-faced. I don't like that quality in others and don't like it in myself. As a subconscious coping mechanism, I can shut down and tune out. One of my sisters says I go into my own little world at times. Not only do I do that when I feel I have no control over a situation, I do it when I am tired of someone--not necessarily angry with them, just needing a break from them. I can be too trusting and optimistic in a way that causes me harm.
Then there are nervous habits, or the things that can be annoying, or unglamorous. I don't like to dust. Piles of paper grow in my surroundings, and I dislike cleaning them up. I also dislike filing. Although I would like a more streamlined environment than I have, it's hard for me to throw things out. It's hard for me to put certain types of things away, and the environmental chaos I cause for myself disturbs me. And at work I think that disturbs others.
When I am thinking about something or even driving in the car, I pick the left side of my lower lip. I will, on occasion, pick my nose. I have been known to talk with food in my mouth. Although I try not to, it's just hard to wait to say things at times. My father will tell you I eat too fast and I am always late. The truth is I'm not ALWAYS late, but I have an intense dislike of waiting for others. And sometimes I eat too fast. Laura tells me my worst quality is when we are going on a trip and I get anxious about leaving on time. There are reasons for that but I have promised her I will work very hard at not getting snippy when I want us to get going. But I've got to say, that if that's what my daughter sees as my worst quality, and we only go on three trips a year, that's not too bad. Laura also says that having my dad in the home is something that would put off men. It certainly put off Bill, but I don't want to put my dad in a 'home'. Next I am going to ask Kyle what he thinks are my poor qualities and I have a feeling I am going to get a very different answer.
Sometimes I can act like a know-it-all. Sometimes I interrupt. Sometimes I'm not grateful when I should be, or reciprocate enough, and I don't think I am astute enough when I'm with my friends and then I have trouble coming up with ideas for gifts for them---but it's not that I don't care about them. When I am worrying about money, I find it hard to be generous.
Bill said I wasn't focusing on him. It was true. I was torn during those last six to eight months with him. This was not because he had cancer; this was because he had taken money from me (again) in the form of buying himself a $3300 camera on my credit card, he had started trying to access more of my dad's money while concurrently being very unkind to him, and he had started insulting me. (I didn't even know about the gambling yet.) I was staying with him because I felt it was my duty. I didn't love him like a wife should because I felt he was betraying me and setting me up again. Therefore, a number of times I was just going through the motions as a wife. I wasn't devastated that my husband was supposed to be dying. I was sad and a little frightened, but honestly---painfully honestly---there was an amount of relief. Ouch, it hurts to write that. It had been a difficult marriage, at times exhausting. I thought I was being given an 'out'. Ouch again.
Whatever it takes, my task here is to tell the truth as best I can. I have to combat the lies that try to invade my thinking, skew the logic, rewrite what has happened, and I need to clean up the dirty parts. So here I will put what I think is the truth, and it might be more exposing and painful than writing about the lies.
The truth is that I keep my word, I am loyal and reliable, I take my commitments very seriously, I am naive and I am hopeful. I am fun, funny, very smart, very hardworking, somewhat pretty, have aged well, have a decent body for a 60-year-old, am loving and responsible. I am nurturing and patient, am usually a reliable friend and pretty good with money. OK, that's the good stuff.
The other part of the truth is that I find it difficult to stand up for myself because I don't like conflict, I don't like arguing, I don't like strife, and as a result I have made too many concessions in order to keep the peace. It's also easy for me to feel guilty and I feel horrible and unforgiving of myself when I feel guilty. I withdraw rather than confront. I can end up sacrificing honesty in order to avoid conflict. That can end up looking two-faced. I don't like that quality in others and don't like it in myself. As a subconscious coping mechanism, I can shut down and tune out. One of my sisters says I go into my own little world at times. Not only do I do that when I feel I have no control over a situation, I do it when I am tired of someone--not necessarily angry with them, just needing a break from them. I can be too trusting and optimistic in a way that causes me harm.
Then there are nervous habits, or the things that can be annoying, or unglamorous. I don't like to dust. Piles of paper grow in my surroundings, and I dislike cleaning them up. I also dislike filing. Although I would like a more streamlined environment than I have, it's hard for me to throw things out. It's hard for me to put certain types of things away, and the environmental chaos I cause for myself disturbs me. And at work I think that disturbs others.
When I am thinking about something or even driving in the car, I pick the left side of my lower lip. I will, on occasion, pick my nose. I have been known to talk with food in my mouth. Although I try not to, it's just hard to wait to say things at times. My father will tell you I eat too fast and I am always late. The truth is I'm not ALWAYS late, but I have an intense dislike of waiting for others. And sometimes I eat too fast. Laura tells me my worst quality is when we are going on a trip and I get anxious about leaving on time. There are reasons for that but I have promised her I will work very hard at not getting snippy when I want us to get going. But I've got to say, that if that's what my daughter sees as my worst quality, and we only go on three trips a year, that's not too bad. Laura also says that having my dad in the home is something that would put off men. It certainly put off Bill, but I don't want to put my dad in a 'home'. Next I am going to ask Kyle what he thinks are my poor qualities and I have a feeling I am going to get a very different answer.
Sometimes I can act like a know-it-all. Sometimes I interrupt. Sometimes I'm not grateful when I should be, or reciprocate enough, and I don't think I am astute enough when I'm with my friends and then I have trouble coming up with ideas for gifts for them---but it's not that I don't care about them. When I am worrying about money, I find it hard to be generous.
Bill said I wasn't focusing on him. It was true. I was torn during those last six to eight months with him. This was not because he had cancer; this was because he had taken money from me (again) in the form of buying himself a $3300 camera on my credit card, he had started trying to access more of my dad's money while concurrently being very unkind to him, and he had started insulting me. (I didn't even know about the gambling yet.) I was staying with him because I felt it was my duty. I didn't love him like a wife should because I felt he was betraying me and setting me up again. Therefore, a number of times I was just going through the motions as a wife. I wasn't devastated that my husband was supposed to be dying. I was sad and a little frightened, but honestly---painfully honestly---there was an amount of relief. Ouch, it hurts to write that. It had been a difficult marriage, at times exhausting. I thought I was being given an 'out'. Ouch again.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Dream #1 and The Lie
My wise little sister helps me think deeply about what's going on with me now. I told her about the dream I had this morning. I woke at 6:20, refused to allow myself to be awake that early on Christmas, rolled over, put a pillow over my head, and went back to sleep. Normally that would have been a very good thing to do. The extra sleep puts me in a state of restedness that readies me for a busy day like today. However, what happened was that I had a dream about Bill. In this dream he was in some care facility, one that looked like a big comfortable home with several bedrooms that were used to care for the ill. He looked as handsome as he did when we first met. He was sweet and vulnerable. He was being released, and I was there to pick him up. But he wasn't going home with me. There was another woman there to get him. I chatted with her while he was being readied. She was prettier than I, she was perkier, she had more energy, and she had a better personality. She took Bill home. I understood. I had had a slight tinge of ambivalence about taking him home anyway. When I woke up at 7:45, I was sad and lonely. I felt rejected, unworthy, unattractive (on many levels), and isolated. Was that other woman a personification of gambling? Was that the one he had always preferred? The pretty, engaging, seductive addiction? The woman I thought he would never choose if I had forced him to make the choice? Was the house in the dream our home? After Bill left with the other woman in the dream, I saw my dad and Carmi there. I was left with them. Did this dream encapsulate those final weeks before he decided he wanted a divorce?
My sister told me to confront the lie this is. "This is not true about you. Tell yourself you are fun, funny, intelligent, pretty, and desirable. Write two entries in your blog. Call one 'The Lie' and the other 'The Truth'. Don't let this live in your mind. This dream is not the truth. This dream is the lie."
The lie of this dream is that I am deficient. The lie of this dream is that I am all of those things I felt when I awoke. They are not true. I cannot allow myself whether consciously or subconsciously to rewrite the end of this marriage as something that was a judgement of my qualities.
I rarely dream about Bill. I told my sister that there were good things about the marriage, and it's the missing them that causes the sadness and dreams like this: he was a great lover, he sought out my company and always wanted to be with me, would come home from gambling (whether or not I knew he was gambling) to be with me when he knew I was arriving home or when he knew I wanted to be with him, he usually valued my opinions, loved my cooking, wanted me to go everywhere with him (unless he was going gambling because I hated that and refused to go there), and when he got diagnosed with cancer he told the doctor he didn't want a support network; he had Cindy, he said. The change in attitude and the decision to get a divorce flew in the face of all of those things. The inconsistency of that is getting to me; I knew that in time it would. It is the basis for the lie. The inconsistency is what is making my mind wonder if there is something wrong with me. It's not about something being wrong with me; the inconsistency is about mental illness abducting someone's sensibility and ruining the marriage.
There ARE things wrong with me, and I will get to those in 'The Truth'.
My sister told me to confront the lie this is. "This is not true about you. Tell yourself you are fun, funny, intelligent, pretty, and desirable. Write two entries in your blog. Call one 'The Lie' and the other 'The Truth'. Don't let this live in your mind. This dream is not the truth. This dream is the lie."
The lie of this dream is that I am deficient. The lie of this dream is that I am all of those things I felt when I awoke. They are not true. I cannot allow myself whether consciously or subconsciously to rewrite the end of this marriage as something that was a judgement of my qualities.
I rarely dream about Bill. I told my sister that there were good things about the marriage, and it's the missing them that causes the sadness and dreams like this: he was a great lover, he sought out my company and always wanted to be with me, would come home from gambling (whether or not I knew he was gambling) to be with me when he knew I was arriving home or when he knew I wanted to be with him, he usually valued my opinions, loved my cooking, wanted me to go everywhere with him (unless he was going gambling because I hated that and refused to go there), and when he got diagnosed with cancer he told the doctor he didn't want a support network; he had Cindy, he said. The change in attitude and the decision to get a divorce flew in the face of all of those things. The inconsistency of that is getting to me; I knew that in time it would. It is the basis for the lie. The inconsistency is what is making my mind wonder if there is something wrong with me. It's not about something being wrong with me; the inconsistency is about mental illness abducting someone's sensibility and ruining the marriage.
There ARE things wrong with me, and I will get to those in 'The Truth'.
Christmas Day
This year was the year my family decided not to go to Idaho for the holidays. The sister who owns the property there went up with her husband and children. The rest of us were left to spend time with our 'other' families.
Kyle's grandmother passed away in May and this was the first Christmas his grandfather and autistic uncle were to spend without her. Kyle asked if we could have them here. He drove out to the desert, picked them up and drove back yesterday. It turns out that the grandfather also has type 2 diabetes. I wish I had known that before I bought food. But he is pleasant about it and is not a complainer. We spent a lot of time fixing up the garage for them. I hope they are comfortable and warm enough out there.
We had a dinner for seven and then had ten people for breakfast this morning. Before breakfast we opened gifts. Laura and Kyle were very generous with the uncle and grandfather. It was a pretty good Christmas that way.
In the afternoon we went out to the same aunt's house who had hosted Thanksgiving. She is cute, energetic and kind. Apparently in Jack's (Kyle's) family, everyone gives everybody a Christmas gift. That was rather daunting. We gave each of the 'families' a gift. We went with an 'alcohol' theme for everyone. It went okay. I hope to be more specific next year. The food was good, as always, and they were kind and warm to me. I appreciated it. It was a different and a bit of a strange Christmas for me. I missed my family so much I didn't even allow myself to think about it but I must find a way to spend my Christmases with them from now on. It means too much to me to be away from them.
The aunt's house was too crowded to have brought Dad. But he will meet all of them soon. It looks like there's going to be some kind of a wedding within the next couple of months.
Kyle's grandmother passed away in May and this was the first Christmas his grandfather and autistic uncle were to spend without her. Kyle asked if we could have them here. He drove out to the desert, picked them up and drove back yesterday. It turns out that the grandfather also has type 2 diabetes. I wish I had known that before I bought food. But he is pleasant about it and is not a complainer. We spent a lot of time fixing up the garage for them. I hope they are comfortable and warm enough out there.
We had a dinner for seven and then had ten people for breakfast this morning. Before breakfast we opened gifts. Laura and Kyle were very generous with the uncle and grandfather. It was a pretty good Christmas that way.
In the afternoon we went out to the same aunt's house who had hosted Thanksgiving. She is cute, energetic and kind. Apparently in Jack's (Kyle's) family, everyone gives everybody a Christmas gift. That was rather daunting. We gave each of the 'families' a gift. We went with an 'alcohol' theme for everyone. It went okay. I hope to be more specific next year. The food was good, as always, and they were kind and warm to me. I appreciated it. It was a different and a bit of a strange Christmas for me. I missed my family so much I didn't even allow myself to think about it but I must find a way to spend my Christmases with them from now on. It means too much to me to be away from them.
The aunt's house was too crowded to have brought Dad. But he will meet all of them soon. It looks like there's going to be some kind of a wedding within the next couple of months.
Retirement News
Since I am on vacation, I have used some of the time to make phone calls I generally find difficult to make while I'm working. One such call was to the retirement system's legal office. The woman with whom I spoke was very patient with me and explained some things that had been unclear. She said there are two options for giving my retirement to Bill. In one, the system pays him monthly in accord with the percentage of my pension to which he's entitled. In the other, I pay him a lump sum of that percentage. Then his access to my retirement is over and all I have to worry about is paying him his monthly spousal support. I know what the lump sum is, and it has seemed like an amount I can't access. For that reason, I had been thinking I would go with the monthly payment, and then when Bill dies, that payment would revert back to me. In fact, I had read that in the retirement handbook. Not so. The woman at the legal office explained that since Bill is entitled to a percentage of my total retirement, when he dies whoever his beneficiary is would receive Bill's portion until my death. In other words, if I don't buy Bill out of my retirement, I will end up paying his awful friend, David, for the rest of my life. What a horrible thought that is. I will somehow find a way to buy him out; I think that's what he wants anyway. DANG!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
A Discovery on the Witness Stand
My court testimony, or cross-examination rather, lasted a very long time. I was on the stand for at least an hour. What was good was that I wasn't shaking and I didn't have a knot in my stomach. I want so much for this all to end, I was willing to do whatever I could that day to bring closure to any part of this divorce proceeding.
At one point we were discussing the cell phone fiasco of last summer. Bill's attorney asked me if I had called Bill when he ran up the cell phone bill. I said no, Kyle had, that at the time Kyle was acting as a liaison between us. He asked why I hadn't called Bill myself. I replied that we had restraining orders. He still asked why I hadn't called Bill about the cell phone problems. I said because I couldn't call him because of the restraining orders. Then he said that I wasn't restrained from calling Bill. I said the orders were mutual. He said they weren't. It was at this moment I looked down at my attorney and saw he was shaking his head 'no' to me. You're kidding, I thought. They aren't mutual? I could have called him? If Bill wasn't allowed to come near me, it doesn't make sense that I would be allowed to approach him. But I guess another type of logic is used here. It also makes sense. I'm not dangerous and pose no threat to Bill. So, for that reason, I can approach and contact him. But here's the practical part: it's not a good idea for Bill and me to be in touch at all. If I initiate a phone call, or an email, it would put me in a situation where I could get sucked back in to what I lived with for so long. It would seem that Bill could possibly start 'working' me, or just trying to lay guilt trips on me. He was always relentless in the pursuit of getting his way. And he was really good at breaking down my resolve. He sister says he thinks several steps ahead of the rest of us, and sets people up when they don't even realize what's going on. He has things planned so far in advance, you don't see it coming until it's too late and you're trapped. I don't want to open myself up to that again. It's best we leave things the way they are. The good news is that if I do inadvertently drive by him, or arrive at a place where he is, I won't be in any trouble. I'd probably leave the place anyway, but at least I wouldn't be violating any court orders. If I get fed up with taking care of his dog, I can just pick up the phone and tell him to come and get the dog NOW. I can if I want----and I am REAL tired of taking care of his dog-----but I don't want. It's better I just go ahead and treat these as mutual restraining orders.
Speaking of restraining orders, I might have to call my ex-husband. The other one. I'll know more after I talk to the retirement system's legal office. He said he was going to relinquish his entitlement to my retirement for the years we were married but I don't think he actually went through with it. It might be good to break the ice with him. But I don't want to see him again......
At one point we were discussing the cell phone fiasco of last summer. Bill's attorney asked me if I had called Bill when he ran up the cell phone bill. I said no, Kyle had, that at the time Kyle was acting as a liaison between us. He asked why I hadn't called Bill myself. I replied that we had restraining orders. He still asked why I hadn't called Bill about the cell phone problems. I said because I couldn't call him because of the restraining orders. Then he said that I wasn't restrained from calling Bill. I said the orders were mutual. He said they weren't. It was at this moment I looked down at my attorney and saw he was shaking his head 'no' to me. You're kidding, I thought. They aren't mutual? I could have called him? If Bill wasn't allowed to come near me, it doesn't make sense that I would be allowed to approach him. But I guess another type of logic is used here. It also makes sense. I'm not dangerous and pose no threat to Bill. So, for that reason, I can approach and contact him. But here's the practical part: it's not a good idea for Bill and me to be in touch at all. If I initiate a phone call, or an email, it would put me in a situation where I could get sucked back in to what I lived with for so long. It would seem that Bill could possibly start 'working' me, or just trying to lay guilt trips on me. He was always relentless in the pursuit of getting his way. And he was really good at breaking down my resolve. He sister says he thinks several steps ahead of the rest of us, and sets people up when they don't even realize what's going on. He has things planned so far in advance, you don't see it coming until it's too late and you're trapped. I don't want to open myself up to that again. It's best we leave things the way they are. The good news is that if I do inadvertently drive by him, or arrive at a place where he is, I won't be in any trouble. I'd probably leave the place anyway, but at least I wouldn't be violating any court orders. If I get fed up with taking care of his dog, I can just pick up the phone and tell him to come and get the dog NOW. I can if I want----and I am REAL tired of taking care of his dog-----but I don't want. It's better I just go ahead and treat these as mutual restraining orders.
Speaking of restraining orders, I might have to call my ex-husband. The other one. I'll know more after I talk to the retirement system's legal office. He said he was going to relinquish his entitlement to my retirement for the years we were married but I don't think he actually went through with it. It might be good to break the ice with him. But I don't want to see him again......
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