Saturday, January 21, 2012
Making It Legal
I grew up long enough ago to take a dim view of pregnancy before marriage. That's honest. I can't lie about it. I am a product of my upbringing. Even though I was part of the generation that promoted women's lib and dispelled traditional gender roles, fought the establishment, burnt our bras and protested the war in Vietnam (not to mention the shootings at Kent State), some old-fashioned values were drummed into my head by the strong females in my world. My aunt 'had' to get married at sixteen. It was an outrage. My grandmother's first comment was, "What will my friends think?!" She was as were all members of society at that time. Sex before marriage was a huge no-no and pregnancy was the ultimate indignity for 'getting caught'. My aunt was still in high school and her soon-to-be husband was a graduate of Stanford University. Nowadays that would be called statutory rape. He would eventually leave my aunt with two children, one of whom had crippling arthritis, for his secretary. It was more than a cautionary tale. My mother raised me to think my virginity was my trump card and that losing that put me out of the game. Getting caught was even worse. She had strong feelings. She saw a woman as without worth if she were not a virgin. I, in time, rankled against that notion and rebelled.
Times have changed, and my daughter certainly exemplifies prevailing attitudes towards what used to be considered a mandatory sequence of marriage and childbirth, one that abortion allowed many of my generation to circumvent. She wanted to become a mother. She sees that as her primary desire in life. She wants to be a stay-at-home mom, and she wants it now. She can participate in delayed gratification to some degree but not to the degree that allows her to consistently stop and make wise decisions regarding her life's course. She chose to conceive a child before she was married. She felt her significant other was the mate for her life, so why not start a family now? As this pregnancy has played out, it has not been without difficulties, one of which was her realization that she wanted to be married to this child's father before the child left her womb. These were tenuous weeks, even months, with an impending engagement on and off the horizon. There were hurt feelings and arguments, and for a while I wondered whether or not the relationship was going south. I offered up my ring, hoping to both remove a financial impediment and see the ring I loved put to good use.
Eventually the engagement happened, great sighs of relief were made, and steps were taken to get a license. On Tuesday they had an extremely small civil ceremony down on the bluffs above the ocean. It was a stunningly beautiful January day with only the two of them, me and the couple whose husband officiated in attendance. Once the engagement happened, they were both content with their fate. He now calls her his wife and me his mother-in-law. I am getting used to it. It does feel different than the role I felt I played in their lives before Tuesday. The level of connection is deeper, more permanent.
I am trying to relax about it. After all, I don't have the most positive attitude about marriage at this point in time. I will try not to be a pessimist about my daughter's union. She and Kyle have to let it play out and do what they can to make it work. I try to sit back and breathe through my nose. It is done now. They are a family. The upside is that I have more of a feeling that I can now move forward with my own life.
More on that later......
Dream #3
My dream life has calmed down over the past week, thankfully, but not before I had a third dream about Bill. If I had thought Dream #2 recapped a big issue, Dream #3 outdid it big time. Dream #3 seemed to hit several issues and, as I look back on it, one element it highlighted was my need to connect with like-minded people in whom I have trust.
The dream started with me completing a school year somewhere abroad. Apparently I was working away from home for the ten months of school and then returning home in late June. The dream opened with me in bed with one of my coworkers. A female co-worker who is gay. But there was no physical contact. I'm not gay. I've never even been the slightest bit curious about intimacy with other women. The fact that there was no physical contact was clear in the dream. This woman has always been kind and supportive of me in my real life and she was the same in the dream. Did it make me uncomfortable to have dreamt about being in bed with another woman? Yes. Do I know what it all means? No. Do I think I might have a lesbian relationship in my future? No. If you don't have the ganas, you don't have the ganas. Y no tengo ganas de ser intima con otra mujer.
I arrived back at my home where my husband, Bill, had been left in charge of the household, the pets, the bills and our daughter. When I came in, the house seemed chaotic. It was messy; even the drapes were askew. White gauzy curtains and their rods were hanging diagonally in the windows. How long ago the rods had come down at one end was not apparent. The carpet was a speckled gray and unraveling in random places. I asked Bill if he had paid certain bills. He answered yes to some and no to others. He seemed to show little affect regarding them. The dogs were in the house and they were having accidents on the carpets. Bill was saying that was okay, he'd wash the spots with Nature's Miracle, he'd take some sections of the carpet outside to clean, it was no problem.
I went outside to find Laura. She was sleeping around a supporting post under the front porch. She was where the dogs were supposed to be. The dogs were in the house where she was supposed to be. I was saddened and upset. Why hadn't my husband been able to take care of the home and our child while I was away working to support us? I didn't see it as an unreasonable responsibility and, after all, it was an agreement we had made together. He hadn't upheld his end. He wasn't bothered by that. I was distressed. I was hurt that our child had been neglected and angry at myself for not having been there for her.
I found myself talking to our neighbor, Jim. He seemed to understand. The dream ended with me finding a like-minded soul in my neighbor. In reality, I enjoy talking to Jim. He has a nice sense of humor and is very responsible. He has lived next door for 15 years. During that time he had a live-in girlfriend for 11 years who turned out to be anorexic and died suddenly on the elliptical trainer at the gym. She'd deprive herself of food and then spend two hours a night working out. She always looked like she was in a hurry. She didn't seem to be able to relax. Three years later, Jim married. His new wife was connecting with neighbors and he was becoming more interactive with all of us on the street. But he decided he had made a mistake and divorced her. He likes his private space. His home is his sanctuary. He is extremely clean and is a minimalist. But somehow in this dream, I found comfort in talking to him.
Let me see if I can put into words another element of this dream. In it I am able to connect with people who seem sympathetic and supportive. But when I look at who those individuals really are, I see that this could only exist on a surface level. The larger issue for me, I think, is that it is far more difficult to count on someone and feel supported with them when your lives are intertwined by various commitments. Bill, too, was supportive and compassionate when we first met. I could tell him anything and felt he was 'there' for me. He was in my corner. He rescued me. But he couldn't go the distance and be there for me all the time. He lacked a consistency that existed despite love. He just couldn't do it continually.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Dream #2
Dream 2:
Bill and I are in the car. We're leaving a place where we've been.
He is driving. We are going to get onto a freeway from an onramp that is underneath the freeway. It involves heading south, turning left, and then getting on a northbound onramp. We head to a left turn lane under the freeway that will put us on the onramp to turn left onto the freeway. He goes too far left of the left turn lane, thus putting us in jeopardy of being hit by oncoming traffic. We go up the onramp and get on the freeway (but when we get up there it's more like a highway, like 101 as you go past Santa Barbara). This time we pass some cops and CHP's and then Bill goes too far left gain, goes off the highway, across where oncoming traffic would be and into a rutted muddy field. I think the car won't move. There's a slight break in my perception and somehow we are then off he field and coming to a diagonal parking spot on a business street in front of some stores. I know the cops will follow us. I ask him if he's having a heart attack. It seems like he is or like he's having a slight stroke. I tell him to say he's having a heart attack. We get out of the car and walk to the curb. He's saying, "I think I'm having a heart attack," falls down on the pavement, and it looks like he might be starting to twitch. I'm not sure if he's acting or not. I couldn't think of any other reason why he would have done those things in the car. In the meantime I'm yelling, "He's having a heart attack!" very loudly and I start to hyperventilate. A lot. I sit down. I am worried about what the consequences will be. I'm starting to pass out.
I wake up. I wonder if this dream is about me. I am trying to clean up the things Bill has done wrong. I try, always tried, to make sense of his behavior that never really made sense. Did I make excuses for him? Yes. What does this dream tell me about that?
My therapist tells me this is the most telling of the two dreams. She thinks both interpretations of the first dream are true; I am both the woman who is taking Bill home and the one who is left behind. But this dream is clear. It is clearly about how I let Bill jeopardize me time and time again, and I made excuses. For whatever bad behavior Bill did, I made excuses.
Bill and I are in the car. We're leaving a place where we've been.
He is driving. We are going to get onto a freeway from an onramp that is underneath the freeway. It involves heading south, turning left, and then getting on a northbound onramp. We head to a left turn lane under the freeway that will put us on the onramp to turn left onto the freeway. He goes too far left of the left turn lane, thus putting us in jeopardy of being hit by oncoming traffic. We go up the onramp and get on the freeway (but when we get up there it's more like a highway, like 101 as you go past Santa Barbara). This time we pass some cops and CHP's and then Bill goes too far left gain, goes off the highway, across where oncoming traffic would be and into a rutted muddy field. I think the car won't move. There's a slight break in my perception and somehow we are then off he field and coming to a diagonal parking spot on a business street in front of some stores. I know the cops will follow us. I ask him if he's having a heart attack. It seems like he is or like he's having a slight stroke. I tell him to say he's having a heart attack. We get out of the car and walk to the curb. He's saying, "I think I'm having a heart attack," falls down on the pavement, and it looks like he might be starting to twitch. I'm not sure if he's acting or not. I couldn't think of any other reason why he would have done those things in the car. In the meantime I'm yelling, "He's having a heart attack!" very loudly and I start to hyperventilate. A lot. I sit down. I am worried about what the consequences will be. I'm starting to pass out.
I wake up. I wonder if this dream is about me. I am trying to clean up the things Bill has done wrong. I try, always tried, to make sense of his behavior that never really made sense. Did I make excuses for him? Yes. What does this dream tell me about that?
My therapist tells me this is the most telling of the two dreams. She thinks both interpretations of the first dream are true; I am both the woman who is taking Bill home and the one who is left behind. But this dream is clear. It is clearly about how I let Bill jeopardize me time and time again, and I made excuses. For whatever bad behavior Bill did, I made excuses.
On 2011
As I reflect on 2011, I am awed by the enormity of changes it brought. It started with a great experience with family and local folk showing love and kindness as we celebrated and prayed-in the new year in Idaho. Laura became my classroom teaching assistant in January, and my classroom never ran so well. She is magical with children; they respond to and adore her. She gained the admiration of my co-workers and awed me with her abilities. She also started building a clientele for hair and babysitting. In March she had a burst ovarian cyst that required several trips to the emergency room. Then she had her wisdom teeth removed right after that. The amount of antibiotics she was given in these two events resulted in a pregnancy. She and Kyle were thrilled with that news but she miscarried after two months. Before I had a chance to have a little 'talk' with her about waiting for their lives to be a little more settled down before having children, she got pregnant again. This time by design. When next year wraps, I'll be a grandmother.
In the summer I celebrated my sixtieth birthday with many friends. I had hoped to take a trip but the reality of my time and finances didn't leave much room for that. I have not abandoned the idea of traveling. I certainly don't want to travel alone, and would like to find a travel partner. But I will travel again. There is no doubt in my mind. I am even intrigued by the idea of traveling for a reason, for a purpose or to do a certain job. Travel desires aside, I had a very nice dinner party with friends and even some family members to ring in the 60's. Let it not be said of me that I let the big 6-0 go by unnoticed.
Things at work actually improved for me this year, and I rejoice in that. I have administrators who are efficient, effective, conscientious and kind human beings. They are capable and supportive. The office is a sane place where parents, students, teachers and problems get handled appropriately. (That's a nice way of saying that our psycho assistant principal left and somebody really, really good took her place). I like the changes there, the office manager, the librarian, the new special support staff, and the STEM coordinator (a science teacher +++ other responsibilities). My newest crop of parents is amazing. They take care of business like no group I can remember in recent history. I have a strong group of six or seven students who have begun to read simple books and recognize large numbers. My new aide doesn't have a lot of Laura's strengths but he is good with the children and plays organized games with them at recess and at lunch. I can hear him coaching them in basketball when I'm working in the room during lunchtime, and he and the other school coaches take the kindergarten classes out for P.E. once a week. He's different but he's good.
My divorce dragged on and on. My attorney spent much of the year not getting me closer to a settlement. I am getting resentful about this. I gave a deposition at Bill's attorney's office and then, before Bill could give his depo, his attorney got rear-ended, had to have surgery, and eventually left his practice. In the meantime Bill got manicky again and filed an Order to Show Cause which is another way of telling me to prove why I shouldn't have to give him a lot more money per month. Bill hired a strange and unethical attorney, and I have been villainized in court. I am now pushing my attorney, in a not-too-subtle way, to get this all over. He is brilliant in the courtroom, absolutely awe-inspiring, and has a way of weaving words, testimonies and evidence into pure gold. But I have paid him too much money and need to both close this deal and move on with my life. Will I be able to afford to keep my house and pay off Bill? It is the question that occupies too much of my mental energy.
Laura, Kyle and Dad stayed here with me all year. Dad continued to be critical and eventually alienated Kyle, as he has managed to do with all alpha personalities who don't play his control game. He exhausted his retirement plan and is now into his savings. He continues to be quietly stubborn. As my first ex-husband asked me, "Do you expect him to change?" He's right about that. I guess I should not have that expectation. My ex also said, when I told him that I was surprised by how continually critical Dad is, that I had never really lived with Dad and that maybe Dad had always been that way. He said, "You were really only with your dad for a few days at a time. It might have been easy for him to be pleasant for a few days at a time when the real person was negative." I can remember times when Dad took us up to the ranch in Angwin and, how after a week or so, he would get pretty tough. Once I was made to wash all the dinner dishes because I hadn't adequately cleaned my knife and the sink area at lunch that day. Lately, Dad's short-term memory has gone south and is starting to take his long-term memory with it, also in a critical way. He is losing it but, to his credit, he recognizes his propensity for criticism and wants, on some levels, not to do it any more. I just don't think he can at this point.
I got up-close and personal with my retirement system and am seriously considering retirement in June. I both look forward to and dread this possibility. I worry that I'll have too much time and too little money when I retire, that I might regret leaving, and that I might not be able to replace the teaching with anything I enjoy as much and that that will cause me to feel depressed. But I am hopeful retirement will suit me nicely. I will get to spend more time with my grandchild and won't have to hit the ground running five days a week. I do feel the pull to slow down a bit but the divorce might put me in a situation where I have to do some substitute teaching in orders to make ends meet.
I lost a co-worker and friend in July, on Carmi's birthday. It shook me more than I thought it would; sometimes her absence is acutely painful. Sometimes I miss her gutsy, in-your-face style. She was a good contrast to me at times.
One of my sisters got angry at the other. I tried to gently mediate and the offended sister said I didn't support her enough therefore deciding that my behavior had driven a wedge into our previously devoted relationship. I was trying to be a neutral party; it didn't work.
I fear I can't overcome the downward pull of so many things that have happened to me. I am now considering asking for medication to help me through these times. I have an appointment next month and inwardly hope I feel a lot better by then and am on the road to a better mental state of mind so that I don't have to start messing with meds. I have enough trouble dealing with meds to help me sleep; I don't want to throw something else into the mix.
My spiritual life is challenged. I don't feel like I have a church home now. The morning service is too dull and the evening service too unpredictable and, frankly, a little too young for me. I have continued with two Bible study groups this year and find they are the only places where I feel I am being spiritually educated. I have committed to reading a daily devotions book and a daily walk Bible for 2012, and I will somehow continue to look for a church service that gives me a feeling that my needs are being met. On top of that, I am angry with God. I think a person can still praise God and be angry with him at the same time. At least that's what I think is happening to me. I don't have the same undercurrent of secure faith I had a year ago, and it cuts into most of the other things in my life.
There are certain years I don't mind ushering out of existence and into the history books. 2011 is one of them.
In the summer I celebrated my sixtieth birthday with many friends. I had hoped to take a trip but the reality of my time and finances didn't leave much room for that. I have not abandoned the idea of traveling. I certainly don't want to travel alone, and would like to find a travel partner. But I will travel again. There is no doubt in my mind. I am even intrigued by the idea of traveling for a reason, for a purpose or to do a certain job. Travel desires aside, I had a very nice dinner party with friends and even some family members to ring in the 60's. Let it not be said of me that I let the big 6-0 go by unnoticed.
Things at work actually improved for me this year, and I rejoice in that. I have administrators who are efficient, effective, conscientious and kind human beings. They are capable and supportive. The office is a sane place where parents, students, teachers and problems get handled appropriately. (That's a nice way of saying that our psycho assistant principal left and somebody really, really good took her place). I like the changes there, the office manager, the librarian, the new special support staff, and the STEM coordinator (a science teacher +++ other responsibilities). My newest crop of parents is amazing. They take care of business like no group I can remember in recent history. I have a strong group of six or seven students who have begun to read simple books and recognize large numbers. My new aide doesn't have a lot of Laura's strengths but he is good with the children and plays organized games with them at recess and at lunch. I can hear him coaching them in basketball when I'm working in the room during lunchtime, and he and the other school coaches take the kindergarten classes out for P.E. once a week. He's different but he's good.
My divorce dragged on and on. My attorney spent much of the year not getting me closer to a settlement. I am getting resentful about this. I gave a deposition at Bill's attorney's office and then, before Bill could give his depo, his attorney got rear-ended, had to have surgery, and eventually left his practice. In the meantime Bill got manicky again and filed an Order to Show Cause which is another way of telling me to prove why I shouldn't have to give him a lot more money per month. Bill hired a strange and unethical attorney, and I have been villainized in court. I am now pushing my attorney, in a not-too-subtle way, to get this all over. He is brilliant in the courtroom, absolutely awe-inspiring, and has a way of weaving words, testimonies and evidence into pure gold. But I have paid him too much money and need to both close this deal and move on with my life. Will I be able to afford to keep my house and pay off Bill? It is the question that occupies too much of my mental energy.
Laura, Kyle and Dad stayed here with me all year. Dad continued to be critical and eventually alienated Kyle, as he has managed to do with all alpha personalities who don't play his control game. He exhausted his retirement plan and is now into his savings. He continues to be quietly stubborn. As my first ex-husband asked me, "Do you expect him to change?" He's right about that. I guess I should not have that expectation. My ex also said, when I told him that I was surprised by how continually critical Dad is, that I had never really lived with Dad and that maybe Dad had always been that way. He said, "You were really only with your dad for a few days at a time. It might have been easy for him to be pleasant for a few days at a time when the real person was negative." I can remember times when Dad took us up to the ranch in Angwin and, how after a week or so, he would get pretty tough. Once I was made to wash all the dinner dishes because I hadn't adequately cleaned my knife and the sink area at lunch that day. Lately, Dad's short-term memory has gone south and is starting to take his long-term memory with it, also in a critical way. He is losing it but, to his credit, he recognizes his propensity for criticism and wants, on some levels, not to do it any more. I just don't think he can at this point.
I got up-close and personal with my retirement system and am seriously considering retirement in June. I both look forward to and dread this possibility. I worry that I'll have too much time and too little money when I retire, that I might regret leaving, and that I might not be able to replace the teaching with anything I enjoy as much and that that will cause me to feel depressed. But I am hopeful retirement will suit me nicely. I will get to spend more time with my grandchild and won't have to hit the ground running five days a week. I do feel the pull to slow down a bit but the divorce might put me in a situation where I have to do some substitute teaching in orders to make ends meet.
I lost a co-worker and friend in July, on Carmi's birthday. It shook me more than I thought it would; sometimes her absence is acutely painful. Sometimes I miss her gutsy, in-your-face style. She was a good contrast to me at times.
One of my sisters got angry at the other. I tried to gently mediate and the offended sister said I didn't support her enough therefore deciding that my behavior had driven a wedge into our previously devoted relationship. I was trying to be a neutral party; it didn't work.
I fear I can't overcome the downward pull of so many things that have happened to me. I am now considering asking for medication to help me through these times. I have an appointment next month and inwardly hope I feel a lot better by then and am on the road to a better mental state of mind so that I don't have to start messing with meds. I have enough trouble dealing with meds to help me sleep; I don't want to throw something else into the mix.
My spiritual life is challenged. I don't feel like I have a church home now. The morning service is too dull and the evening service too unpredictable and, frankly, a little too young for me. I have continued with two Bible study groups this year and find they are the only places where I feel I am being spiritually educated. I have committed to reading a daily devotions book and a daily walk Bible for 2012, and I will somehow continue to look for a church service that gives me a feeling that my needs are being met. On top of that, I am angry with God. I think a person can still praise God and be angry with him at the same time. At least that's what I think is happening to me. I don't have the same undercurrent of secure faith I had a year ago, and it cuts into most of the other things in my life.
There are certain years I don't mind ushering out of existence and into the history books. 2011 is one of them.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Carmi
Carmi is my dad's caregiver. She works 24/5. She is patient and appropriate with my dad, has learned when to step in and stop him when he's about to say or do something offensive, and she continues to assume more and more responsibilities around the house. She is both mentally and physically quick and strong. Her two patients prior to my dad both weighed more than 300 pounds. She managed all the care and finances of one. The second one had been mentally reduced to that of a child by the time she was hired to care for him. She does unimaginably dirty tasks tending to such things as bathrooming care and accident clean-up. She has been speaking English for only about 8 or 9 years but figures out the answers to the puzzles on Wheel of Fortune just as quickly as most native speakers. In her homeland, she is a graduate nurse. She cannot get nursing work here unless she goes back to school and then passes the nursing boards. She has been kind, respectful, helpful and generous with us, even buying Laura the new crib she wanted when Laura announced she was expecting. She has an easy way about her, an engaging laugh and and is quick to smile. She joins in conversations and is discreet with secrets. I find myself learning from this woman of strength and character.
Imagine the old Red Skelton Show's Freddy the Freeloader, multiply him times forty, and you have Carmi's family. Yes, I know it's customary for people to work in the U.S. and mail most of their money to family back home. I also know it's customary to skimp on things because the satisfaction of knowing your loved ones are cared for, well-fed, and have roofs over their heads is highly regarded in some cultures. But is it customary for members who lie about why they need money? Is it acceptable for family members to repeatedly badger a person with international calls because they want to buy a television? Here's the other thing: Carmi's older brother and sister inherited all of their parents' money and properties, spent the money, sold the properties, and never worked a day in their lives. Carmi, on the other hand, has worked for over thirty years, bought properties, built houses, established a co-op to lend seed money to farmers and she recently bought a grange. In the meantime she has also put countless siblings, nieces and nephews through school, she has paid for weddings and funerals, cars, motorbikes and trucks, and saved for her retirement. She has no credit card debt and just bought her first new car. She now is expected, by some code of ethics, to support her sister who does nothing more than sit on her rear. Carmi knows some members of her family take advantage of her but she continues to support them. She doesn't mind, she says. She doesn't expect any payment in return but would be happy if her family members were to pay it forward. She says that when she retires and returns home, her family will wait on her. They will clean her house, prepare and serve her food, and let her luxuriate in her old age. In the meantime, she is waiting on us.
Imagine the old Red Skelton Show's Freddy the Freeloader, multiply him times forty, and you have Carmi's family. Yes, I know it's customary for people to work in the U.S. and mail most of their money to family back home. I also know it's customary to skimp on things because the satisfaction of knowing your loved ones are cared for, well-fed, and have roofs over their heads is highly regarded in some cultures. But is it customary for members who lie about why they need money? Is it acceptable for family members to repeatedly badger a person with international calls because they want to buy a television? Here's the other thing: Carmi's older brother and sister inherited all of their parents' money and properties, spent the money, sold the properties, and never worked a day in their lives. Carmi, on the other hand, has worked for over thirty years, bought properties, built houses, established a co-op to lend seed money to farmers and she recently bought a grange. In the meantime she has also put countless siblings, nieces and nephews through school, she has paid for weddings and funerals, cars, motorbikes and trucks, and saved for her retirement. She has no credit card debt and just bought her first new car. She now is expected, by some code of ethics, to support her sister who does nothing more than sit on her rear. Carmi knows some members of her family take advantage of her but she continues to support them. She doesn't mind, she says. She doesn't expect any payment in return but would be happy if her family members were to pay it forward. She says that when she retires and returns home, her family will wait on her. They will clean her house, prepare and serve her food, and let her luxuriate in her old age. In the meantime, she is waiting on us.
Today
Today was rough. I woke at 4:00 a.m. with another nightmare about me and Bill. I wrote it down, took an Ambien 'booster' (about 2 mg), set my alarm for 8:20 and then went back to sleep. I woke before 8:00 feeling groggy yet unable to go back to sleep. I didn't want to be late to meet my first ex. He was always so punctual, reliable, and conscientious. He had been very gracious when I had asked him to clear up the paperwork with his entitlement to my retirement.
I had to meet him at a place where he signed and I notarized a waiver. He was driving a nice car; I was glad he was giving himself nice things. He had had his nose fixed and his teeth capped. His hair was no longer a beautiful auburn but salt and pepper. He was in good shape and looked much better than he had the last time I had seen him. We chatted. I asked him about his family; he asked about mine. Somehow I told him about Laura being pregnant. He thought she was still in high school and doing what a lot of the girls at his high school do: have babies like they're getting a new toy, then leave the babies for their mothers to tend while they finish high school. Nope, I said, she's 22 and Kyle's 24. I told him my dad was difficult to live with how surprising that was for me, and how controlling he is. He reminded me that I had never really lived with my dad, so how could I have known? He said my dad could have been that way all the time. I think he was right. He said his mother was still alive and quite controlling. I said I knew that and was glad he did as well. He said he goes to see his mom for a couple of hours at a time and then he has to get out. I said I bet but then I added that his mom was very loving and generous and thought the world of him. I didn't want to insult him or make it sound like I didn't like his mom.
I told him my divorce was pricey. He said that I would do the same to Bill if the tables were turned. He had a point. He said it seemed that Bill wouldn't be hireable by anyone and would have no means of supporting himself. Wouldn't I do the same if I were in his shoes? I said yes. I left out the part about the gambling addiction. He said his last wife got part of his retirement. I said $10,000? He said, no, $2000. I said try $80,000. I said Bill was crazy. He said he knew. I said no, really crazy, like diagnosed crazy. He said he knew. I said bipolar. He said yea, as soon as your dad told me that I knew your marriage was doomed. UH-OH! Somebody's dad made a huge overshare violation! What in the world was my father thinking when he told my EX-husband that my current husband was bipolar---and how long ago did he do that? Yikes! It's not okay to do that ever. I have a bad feeling. When did my dad tell him? I also have a feeling I didn't need to mention the part about the gambling addiction. I think he already knows about that too.
I didn't get much sympathy from this ex-husband. But I understand. He thought I was having an affair with Bill when I left him. I wasn't. I didn't know Bill. I rented an apartment from Bill when I left and that's how I got to know him. I had met Bill on two previous occasions but hadn't remembered them or him. But I still hurt this man very, very badly. It devastated him when I left. He felt betrayed and telling people I was having an affair probably soothed him. I think it's easier to say your spouse left you for another person than it is to say your spouse left you because you are you.
Next up: Laura. She babysits twins. On Wednesday I dropped her off at the twins' house and within two minutes she was texting me to come back to get her. The twins' mother had the flu and the twins had had it already. I picked her up and we took the twins to our house for the day. Last evening Laura came down with it. She was pale, in a lot of pain with volcanic intestinal activity and possibly having contractions. She threw up her Taco Bell. She and Kyle went to the ER. Arriving at the ER they were ushered straight up to Labor and Delivery. The staff tried to give her an IV but missed her vein. Her hand puffed up and she was even more miserable. They managed to give her some fluids. She was having contractions. I prayed that they could stop the contractions. I guess they did. She and Kyle came home sometime in the night, around midnight I think. I was aware of them coming home but I have had trouble sleeping.
This morning she woke up with a fever. They went back to the ER where they were again sent to Labor and Delivery. Since I had met my ex at a place close to the hospital, I drove on over to see her. I was worried. She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors. She was in a lot of pain and shivering, and they didn't want to give her covers because they said it wasn't good for the baby. She was trying to drink water but it was making her more cold. The nurse had asked her if someone she knew had been sick and she had said no. WHAT???? I mentioned to the nurse that the woman for whom Laura babysits had had the flu. Laura had thought they were asking her if anyone had had measles, rubella, chicken pox or the mumps. She really missed the obvious question there. After the nurse spoke to me, they were less alarmed about Laura's condition and sent her home around noon.
In all of this, I had to cancel going up to Santa Barbara to spend the day with a friend who is renting a house there for the week. It is extremely foggy here anyway and I was a little worried the driving would be treacherous. It's still foggy and this stuff is thick. It's okay not to be driving in it. But I had been looking forward to the day.
I had to meet him at a place where he signed and I notarized a waiver. He was driving a nice car; I was glad he was giving himself nice things. He had had his nose fixed and his teeth capped. His hair was no longer a beautiful auburn but salt and pepper. He was in good shape and looked much better than he had the last time I had seen him. We chatted. I asked him about his family; he asked about mine. Somehow I told him about Laura being pregnant. He thought she was still in high school and doing what a lot of the girls at his high school do: have babies like they're getting a new toy, then leave the babies for their mothers to tend while they finish high school. Nope, I said, she's 22 and Kyle's 24. I told him my dad was difficult to live with how surprising that was for me, and how controlling he is. He reminded me that I had never really lived with my dad, so how could I have known? He said my dad could have been that way all the time. I think he was right. He said his mother was still alive and quite controlling. I said I knew that and was glad he did as well. He said he goes to see his mom for a couple of hours at a time and then he has to get out. I said I bet but then I added that his mom was very loving and generous and thought the world of him. I didn't want to insult him or make it sound like I didn't like his mom.
I told him my divorce was pricey. He said that I would do the same to Bill if the tables were turned. He had a point. He said it seemed that Bill wouldn't be hireable by anyone and would have no means of supporting himself. Wouldn't I do the same if I were in his shoes? I said yes. I left out the part about the gambling addiction. He said his last wife got part of his retirement. I said $10,000? He said, no, $2000. I said try $80,000. I said Bill was crazy. He said he knew. I said no, really crazy, like diagnosed crazy. He said he knew. I said bipolar. He said yea, as soon as your dad told me that I knew your marriage was doomed. UH-OH! Somebody's dad made a huge overshare violation! What in the world was my father thinking when he told my EX-husband that my current husband was bipolar---and how long ago did he do that? Yikes! It's not okay to do that ever. I have a bad feeling. When did my dad tell him? I also have a feeling I didn't need to mention the part about the gambling addiction. I think he already knows about that too.
I didn't get much sympathy from this ex-husband. But I understand. He thought I was having an affair with Bill when I left him. I wasn't. I didn't know Bill. I rented an apartment from Bill when I left and that's how I got to know him. I had met Bill on two previous occasions but hadn't remembered them or him. But I still hurt this man very, very badly. It devastated him when I left. He felt betrayed and telling people I was having an affair probably soothed him. I think it's easier to say your spouse left you for another person than it is to say your spouse left you because you are you.
Next up: Laura. She babysits twins. On Wednesday I dropped her off at the twins' house and within two minutes she was texting me to come back to get her. The twins' mother had the flu and the twins had had it already. I picked her up and we took the twins to our house for the day. Last evening Laura came down with it. She was pale, in a lot of pain with volcanic intestinal activity and possibly having contractions. She threw up her Taco Bell. She and Kyle went to the ER. Arriving at the ER they were ushered straight up to Labor and Delivery. The staff tried to give her an IV but missed her vein. Her hand puffed up and she was even more miserable. They managed to give her some fluids. She was having contractions. I prayed that they could stop the contractions. I guess they did. She and Kyle came home sometime in the night, around midnight I think. I was aware of them coming home but I have had trouble sleeping.
This morning she woke up with a fever. They went back to the ER where they were again sent to Labor and Delivery. Since I had met my ex at a place close to the hospital, I drove on over to see her. I was worried. She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors. She was in a lot of pain and shivering, and they didn't want to give her covers because they said it wasn't good for the baby. She was trying to drink water but it was making her more cold. The nurse had asked her if someone she knew had been sick and she had said no. WHAT???? I mentioned to the nurse that the woman for whom Laura babysits had had the flu. Laura had thought they were asking her if anyone had had measles, rubella, chicken pox or the mumps. She really missed the obvious question there. After the nurse spoke to me, they were less alarmed about Laura's condition and sent her home around noon.
In all of this, I had to cancel going up to Santa Barbara to spend the day with a friend who is renting a house there for the week. It is extremely foggy here anyway and I was a little worried the driving would be treacherous. It's still foggy and this stuff is thick. It's okay not to be driving in it. But I had been looking forward to the day.
Monday, December 26, 2011
The Truth (I Think I Can Handle It)
In 'A Few Good Men' Jack Nicholson says, "You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth!" I've always loved that. It's a brutally honest statement. How many times do you want to hear the truth but tremble when you think you might hear something for which you aren't prepared? It's tough to detect your own 'truth' when you're in the midst of it, so hard to analyze and capture who you are, so much easier to pin down someone else's qualities, not because that's a nasty thing to do; it's just easier to define another person because you're not distracted by all the extraneous information. For that reason, another person can bare your truth to you and it can be shocking.
Whatever it takes, my task here is to tell the truth as best I can. I have to combat the lies that try to invade my thinking, skew the logic, rewrite what has happened, and I need to clean up the dirty parts. So here I will put what I think is the truth, and it might be more exposing and painful than writing about the lies.
The truth is that I keep my word, I am loyal and reliable, I take my commitments very seriously, I am naive and I am hopeful. I am fun, funny, very smart, very hardworking, somewhat pretty, have aged well, have a decent body for a 60-year-old, am loving and responsible. I am nurturing and patient, am usually a reliable friend and pretty good with money. OK, that's the good stuff.
The other part of the truth is that I find it difficult to stand up for myself because I don't like conflict, I don't like arguing, I don't like strife, and as a result I have made too many concessions in order to keep the peace. It's also easy for me to feel guilty and I feel horrible and unforgiving of myself when I feel guilty. I withdraw rather than confront. I can end up sacrificing honesty in order to avoid conflict. That can end up looking two-faced. I don't like that quality in others and don't like it in myself. As a subconscious coping mechanism, I can shut down and tune out. One of my sisters says I go into my own little world at times. Not only do I do that when I feel I have no control over a situation, I do it when I am tired of someone--not necessarily angry with them, just needing a break from them. I can be too trusting and optimistic in a way that causes me harm.
Then there are nervous habits, or the things that can be annoying, or unglamorous. I don't like to dust. Piles of paper grow in my surroundings, and I dislike cleaning them up. I also dislike filing. Although I would like a more streamlined environment than I have, it's hard for me to throw things out. It's hard for me to put certain types of things away, and the environmental chaos I cause for myself disturbs me. And at work I think that disturbs others.
When I am thinking about something or even driving in the car, I pick the left side of my lower lip. I will, on occasion, pick my nose. I have been known to talk with food in my mouth. Although I try not to, it's just hard to wait to say things at times. My father will tell you I eat too fast and I am always late. The truth is I'm not ALWAYS late, but I have an intense dislike of waiting for others. And sometimes I eat too fast. Laura tells me my worst quality is when we are going on a trip and I get anxious about leaving on time. There are reasons for that but I have promised her I will work very hard at not getting snippy when I want us to get going. But I've got to say, that if that's what my daughter sees as my worst quality, and we only go on three trips a year, that's not too bad. Laura also says that having my dad in the home is something that would put off men. It certainly put off Bill, but I don't want to put my dad in a 'home'. Next I am going to ask Kyle what he thinks are my poor qualities and I have a feeling I am going to get a very different answer.
Sometimes I can act like a know-it-all. Sometimes I interrupt. Sometimes I'm not grateful when I should be, or reciprocate enough, and I don't think I am astute enough when I'm with my friends and then I have trouble coming up with ideas for gifts for them---but it's not that I don't care about them. When I am worrying about money, I find it hard to be generous.
Bill said I wasn't focusing on him. It was true. I was torn during those last six to eight months with him. This was not because he had cancer; this was because he had taken money from me (again) in the form of buying himself a $3300 camera on my credit card, he had started trying to access more of my dad's money while concurrently being very unkind to him, and he had started insulting me. (I didn't even know about the gambling yet.) I was staying with him because I felt it was my duty. I didn't love him like a wife should because I felt he was betraying me and setting me up again. Therefore, a number of times I was just going through the motions as a wife. I wasn't devastated that my husband was supposed to be dying. I was sad and a little frightened, but honestly---painfully honestly---there was an amount of relief. Ouch, it hurts to write that. It had been a difficult marriage, at times exhausting. I thought I was being given an 'out'. Ouch again.
Whatever it takes, my task here is to tell the truth as best I can. I have to combat the lies that try to invade my thinking, skew the logic, rewrite what has happened, and I need to clean up the dirty parts. So here I will put what I think is the truth, and it might be more exposing and painful than writing about the lies.
The truth is that I keep my word, I am loyal and reliable, I take my commitments very seriously, I am naive and I am hopeful. I am fun, funny, very smart, very hardworking, somewhat pretty, have aged well, have a decent body for a 60-year-old, am loving and responsible. I am nurturing and patient, am usually a reliable friend and pretty good with money. OK, that's the good stuff.
The other part of the truth is that I find it difficult to stand up for myself because I don't like conflict, I don't like arguing, I don't like strife, and as a result I have made too many concessions in order to keep the peace. It's also easy for me to feel guilty and I feel horrible and unforgiving of myself when I feel guilty. I withdraw rather than confront. I can end up sacrificing honesty in order to avoid conflict. That can end up looking two-faced. I don't like that quality in others and don't like it in myself. As a subconscious coping mechanism, I can shut down and tune out. One of my sisters says I go into my own little world at times. Not only do I do that when I feel I have no control over a situation, I do it when I am tired of someone--not necessarily angry with them, just needing a break from them. I can be too trusting and optimistic in a way that causes me harm.
Then there are nervous habits, or the things that can be annoying, or unglamorous. I don't like to dust. Piles of paper grow in my surroundings, and I dislike cleaning them up. I also dislike filing. Although I would like a more streamlined environment than I have, it's hard for me to throw things out. It's hard for me to put certain types of things away, and the environmental chaos I cause for myself disturbs me. And at work I think that disturbs others.
When I am thinking about something or even driving in the car, I pick the left side of my lower lip. I will, on occasion, pick my nose. I have been known to talk with food in my mouth. Although I try not to, it's just hard to wait to say things at times. My father will tell you I eat too fast and I am always late. The truth is I'm not ALWAYS late, but I have an intense dislike of waiting for others. And sometimes I eat too fast. Laura tells me my worst quality is when we are going on a trip and I get anxious about leaving on time. There are reasons for that but I have promised her I will work very hard at not getting snippy when I want us to get going. But I've got to say, that if that's what my daughter sees as my worst quality, and we only go on three trips a year, that's not too bad. Laura also says that having my dad in the home is something that would put off men. It certainly put off Bill, but I don't want to put my dad in a 'home'. Next I am going to ask Kyle what he thinks are my poor qualities and I have a feeling I am going to get a very different answer.
Sometimes I can act like a know-it-all. Sometimes I interrupt. Sometimes I'm not grateful when I should be, or reciprocate enough, and I don't think I am astute enough when I'm with my friends and then I have trouble coming up with ideas for gifts for them---but it's not that I don't care about them. When I am worrying about money, I find it hard to be generous.
Bill said I wasn't focusing on him. It was true. I was torn during those last six to eight months with him. This was not because he had cancer; this was because he had taken money from me (again) in the form of buying himself a $3300 camera on my credit card, he had started trying to access more of my dad's money while concurrently being very unkind to him, and he had started insulting me. (I didn't even know about the gambling yet.) I was staying with him because I felt it was my duty. I didn't love him like a wife should because I felt he was betraying me and setting me up again. Therefore, a number of times I was just going through the motions as a wife. I wasn't devastated that my husband was supposed to be dying. I was sad and a little frightened, but honestly---painfully honestly---there was an amount of relief. Ouch, it hurts to write that. It had been a difficult marriage, at times exhausting. I thought I was being given an 'out'. Ouch again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)