Communication

Assertiveness is not something that has come easily to me. I find it difficult to draw boundaries. That is further complicated by keeping the boundaries, a task I find even more difficult. I come by it honestly, as they say. My mother was unable to be assertive. And she was almost completely incapable of the boundary thing. How I wish it hadn't been that way. Assertiveness, clarity, misunderstandings, boundaries, follow-through, saying what's on your mind when it's tough to do, sticking up for yourself, separating out misunderstandings and plain old lies. They all weave together. Separating out one part from another baffles me. I find it challenging and, most significantly, unnatural. Time after time my life gets ensnared in some assertiveness dilemma. Sometimes I am able to be assertive and make my point; sometimes I'm not. Tonight I was not. Problem: I had wanted to talk to Laura and Kyle about tidiness. I had hoped we would be able to have a calm discussion at some time during our road trip up north. The right setting didn't happen. When we got home the problem got compounded. Katy had come to take care of the dogs but she had been unable to get over to talk to Laura about it before we left town. She came late and the dogs had relieved themselves in their cages. She thought Laura and Kyle always left poop in their dogs' cages. She was upset. Laura and Kyle always have fans on in the room. Before we left, we had closed off the bathroom to the garage because we didn't want Katy to know there was a bathroom there. This meant the bathroom was closed and the fans were off. The air in the room became stagnant. Katy thought the room was always stuffy and full of dog poop. She wanted to call the ASPCA. She did the one thing I didn't ever, ever, ever want her to do: she brought her dad over. Now the one person I didn't want in my home---and particularly in the garage apartment-----the one person next to Bill who would take immense pleasure in causing me pain, has been in it. Katy's dad gets perverse joy out of calling agencies out on people. He called the city on a woman's fence a block away from me, and two blocks away from him, and she spent months going to hearings over her fence which she ended up having to tear down, thanks to David. With a touch of the keypad, David could turn my life into pure misery. I am screwed. So, last night, Laura and Kyle came home to dog filth and were up past 12:30 washing dog beds. Katy feels they are raising their child in unsanitary conditions. She and I spoke today when we were at her mother's house. She was very upset, her voice quavered as she expressed her concerns to me. That many dogs brings in too much bacteria. Much of it can be transmitted through the air. There's too much dog poop in the back yard. There are too many things on the carpet and, with KJ crawling soon, he will have a multitude of things to put in his mouth. Laura had left soiled diapers out instead of in a sealed container. There were a lot of used alcohol containers. She has some valid concerns; she also has some misunderstandings. She and Laura will speak tomorrow. Next Problem: I had to broach the now compounded topic of tidiness with Katy's concerns about substandard sanitation. I asked the kids to meet with me when I got home. They were on the defense and Kyle just went gangsta on me. He lashed out at me. He didn't face me as we spoke; he sat sideways, playing with a basketball (but not bouncing it, thankfully). He said it was my problem too. As we sometimes say, he threw everything at the wall to see what would stick. He tried to derail the conversation. I expressed concern about how having four dogs in 400 square feet was not good for KJ. Laura ended up being the peacemaker. Kyle probably wants to move out now. I'd rather not have him in my life if he can't work with me to solve problems. He wanted to give Katy a piece of his mind. Laura said she knew how he was feeling but Katy had been a friend of hers all of her life and she needed to do some problem-solving in her own way with Katy. Laura was stuck in the middle and I felt sad for her. She's under so much pressure and having to be the level-headed one puts her under more pressure. Things didn't end well with us. They really didn't. It is so tense around here, and I have an overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness. I understand their lives are hard. Laura and Kyle are both working, they have a baby, they have staggering debts, and four dogs. This is so tough. I thought we could figure something out. I had already expressed my concern that the items on their floor would soon be hazardous to KJ since he's so near to crawling. Their reactions, no, Kyle's reactions, sent my hopes crashing down around me. It might be time for them to seriously consider moving out.