Tuna Casserole

I often wonder if I will ever be able to remember where it was in my marriage that I first started making incremental compromises and at what point the scales tipped and the incremental compromises turned into a pile of fully-fueled resentment. Where was that tipping point where the weight shifted from loving tolerance to 'I can't any more of this $H%#'? It reminded me of something I heard forty years ago. I had an instructor in college in, of all things, a speech class. He said he had a friend who loved his wife but hated tuna casserole, a dish she insisted on serving at regular intervals despite her husband's insistence that he hated it. And as the years went by, the man grew to tolerate tuna casserole a little more but love his wife a little less. In fact, he tells it as the amount of increased tolerance he gained for tuna casserole was equal to the decrease in his affection for his wife. What does this illustrate? I think my teacher was trying to convey a story of validating, affirming and ultimately showing respect for your loved one's likes and dislikes by honoring (or not honoring) their requests. By not discontinuing the tuna casserole, this woman didn't show her husband she understood the importance of his distaste for the dish or any willingness on her part to totally eliminate it from the family menu plan. I don't know if tuna casserole and incremental compromise are the same thing. I think they could both represent different elements of a marriage, elements that seem so small as to be innocuous but grow to be deal breakers. Little things like tuna casserole, sweaters on the dining table, shaving hairs in the sink, all take their toll in some form. These in themselves cannot ruin a relationship but add them to a 'biggie' like gambling or unwillingness to get a job out of their 'field' to help support the family, and they can bring the whole relationship crashing down. I found this to be true in both my marriages. The answer? The way to avoid this? Better communication. Don't let things slide. That, I think, was a big mistake for me. I should not have taken this page from my mother's playbook. I should have spoken up and continued speaking up instead of waiting for a pile of resentments too large to handle. Maybe then I could have stemmed the tide of unacceptable behaviors and avoided divorce times two.